butchiesmom

This will be the beginning scene of Samina's Transition.

Her head snapped back then forward in rapid succession. Though she was aware of what was happening, she was unable to stop what her body was doing. She closed her eyes against the dizzying sight of her table, the people talking at the next table, her table, the people watching her at the next table… She could hear the silence of the restaurant, as the other patrons became aware of what was happening. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment. This was why she didn’t want to go to a restaurant in the first place. That he had taken her to the most expensive restaurant in town was his way of belittling her.

Stop…stop…please stop! Samina’s pleas to whoever ‘up there’ needed a chuckle at her expense went unnoticed for a few seconds more. It stopped abruptly. Her husband knew what happened to her when she was nervous. He also knew her medication hadn’t been stopping what she called ‘the spasms’ and that it took a few weeks for the medication to get into her system.

“Are you ok?” Samina heard a faint sympathetic voice from across the room as her brain finally stopped moving.

“Are you happy now?” Samina hissed at the man seated across the table, “Did this give you some kind of sick thrill?”

Husband flashed a smile at her. To the other people watching the show at her table, they would see her husband as caring and solicitous. They didn’t know Husband as she did. The act he was putting on, coming around to her side of the table, helping her out of her seat, into her coat and tenderly assisting her out the door, would last until her car door closed and his opened.

This trip had been unnecessary. She knew he could’ve written a letter and taken care of the excuse for going to the next state and back in three days. Samina was tired, the doctor had increased the dosage of her meds the day before they left and the side effects had kicked in on the way to their destination. She could feel the tightness in her brain that presaged another spasm and locked herself into her seatbelt. This time there would be no witnesses other than the scenery passing by.

No one could explain what was happening to her. She’d given more blood than she’d thought her body contained. She’d had so many procedures and tests that she was sure she could run the machines herself. Samina was surprised she didn’t glow in the dark. Yet, in the end, the spasms continued and the doctors had no clue. They’d finally found one medication which slowed them down but a raise in dosage was inevitable within a few months. Nothing stopped the torture completely and her husband used it to make her life miserable.

Now they were on the way home and strangers in a new town knew her humiliating secret. There was no point saying anything more to him about it. That would only feed into his sick thrills.

SarahNSH

Hello Gail!

Wow, this is just great right here, and with knowing the conditions of when you wrote this I am even more blown away by the quality, and even the clarity, of this scene. This reads as one of the clearest scenes I've read of yours, it feels as if I'm right there with them, sitting at the table and watching. Anywho, here's a little bit that I noticed when I was reading:

Her husband flashed a smile at her.-

Just a little fix right here, I'd suggest placing "her" at the beg., but this is just a suggestion, though I know there's some kind of funtional reason for it too, I can't think quite what it is, lol.

Nothing stopped the torture completely and her husband used it to make her life miserable.
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I think that this part right here is maybe a tad bit tell more than show, though, I understand where you're coming from since he is rather pleasant in the scene of them being at the dinner table. I can tell definitely there is something underlying going on here, and there's more than meets the eye just with your great beginning and what says within the beginning of it.

But, as you probably noticed, I really don't have too much to point out here. This is just really well done and I gotta tell you that I like Samina as a character right in the beginning. She's easy to relate to, I feel sympathy for it for what she's going through, and find her just overall likable. I am impressed by this short scene and think that it's definitely a great beginning to your story. Thank you for sharing this and keep on writing away!