butchiesmom

Darkness fell swiftly in the mountains especially near winter. Her husband wanted to get an early start but circumstances kept that from happening. Their late start had him in a particularly bad mood so Samina wanted to get home as soon as possible. Music she didn’t like on the radio and very little conversation was something she’d endured for hours. She finally had to say something.

“We need to stop at the next rest stop.”

“Why? he asked.

“I gotta pee!”

“Can't you hold it? Home’s only an hour away.” he grumbled

“Well,” she said, "It's like this. I can wait an hour and change my pants when we get home and you can clean the upholstery tomorrow or we can stop for ten minutes."

“I can drive this trip, by myself, stopping only for gas, food and to pee..."

Yeah, whatever! Samina thought as she listened to her husband's tirade the couple of miles it took to get to the next rest stop.

Sighing in relief, she exited the ladies room and decided to wait in the car for her husband. She left the building and stopped for a few seconds to gaze at the sky. It was a cold, clear night. Clouds from her breath punctuated the crispness of the air. She wished the full moon’s radiance wasn’t diminished by the rest stop lights. She loved the night sky. She remembered wondering, as a young child, how all those pretty lights stayed up in the sky without strings to hold them there. She still wondered that sometimes.

Halfway to the car, she stopped and bopped her forehead with the heel of her hand. "Oh, crap! The keys are in my purse and that's in the trunk of the car! Crap!" She turned around, took a few steps and stopped abruptly. A creature stood between Samina and the restrooms. There was a resemblance to a canine, maybe a wolf…but it was so faint... Samina looked at the creature, it looked at her. She took a step toward the building; it moved toward her. She stepped back…it didn’t. It stepped forward! The prophecy will not be denied. A strange voice in her mind was enough for her. Adrenalin took over. Heart racing, lungs expanding, legs moving, feet pounding, Samina ran in the direction of the woods behind the rest stop.

She had one desire…a wall between herself and that…thing! The lights from the rest stop behind her faded the closer she got to the line of trees before her. She heard dead leaves crunching behind her, the sound closing in fast. Skeletal shadows hid obstacles, deceiving and tripping her as she ran through the trees. Why didn't I just run around the building? she thought but it took more energy to think than she could spare at the moment. Up ahead, she saw a light faintly illuminating the window of a building. It looked like…she didn’t know or care what it looked like, it was a building and there was a door, with a knob and it turned. She didn’t bother to look back; she ran in and slammed the door behind her.

Though she was certain a creature with paws couldn't open the door; Samina peeked out the window to see what it would do. She watched, in horror, as a glow quickly encompassed the creature she’d been running from. She didn't think it possible but her heart raced even harder when she saw a human form emerge and continue on her trail. Hide wasn’t so much a thought as it was an instinct she chose to listen to for a change. She was certain the creature would find her from the string of curses she left like bread crumbs behind her, as she bumped into or knocked down objects trying to find a safe place to hide. She ducked down between two large forms she could barely see and tried to look invisible.

Crouching in the dark, she clutched her chest with both hands trying to keep her heart from escaping. Seconds ticked in the quiet as she tried to slow her breath. After she heard the door softly opening, ears listened for the soft sound of footsteps on the cement floor. Dilated pupils scanned the near darkness looking for that which would be searching for her. She hoped her husband had ‘finished’ by now and was looking for her. Whether he’d bother to look for long…she wasn’t sure. Things hadn’t been that great lately and she’d voiced her discontent almost to the point of talking divorce but couldn't quite speak that word yet

Samina was thankful she’d dressed for warmth on the trip. Thank God, I hadn't been wearing heels! she thought, That thing would've caught me if I had. Her navy sweatshirt and jeans blended well in the darkness along with her hooded, black leather coat. Thinking of the hood, she quickly flicked it over her head to hide the fair skin of her face and blonde hair. "The Prophecy?" she silently mouthed, What prophecy? Where the hell did that voice come from? she wondered.

It was the door closing and footsteps moving away from the building which alerted her. Samina was surprised and more than a little leery. Then she heard what the creature outside the building had heard, the sound of someone…her husband to be precise…calling her name. Samina quickly moved from her hiding place. She left another string of curses as she headed back toward the door bumping into things she hadn't found on the way in, tripping over what she'd knocked down. She screamed for her husband then realized he wouldn’t hear her through the walls of the building. She turned the doorknob, pulled open the door and screamed his name, again.

A glow, similar to what she had just witnessed, quickly surrounded her as she opened the door. Samina 'heard' again, The prophecy must be fulfilled! She could see her husband’s face and tried to call to him as the world slowly faded away. She’d heard of a jaw dropping to the floor or in this case to the ground, but hadn’t seen it before. It was almost worth what she was experiencing to see her husband without words, without a clue what to do, at a total loss. His final word, her name, slowly enunciated in the fading light of the world.

Even as she wondered how she could have a coherent thought at a time like this, she had one final thought. The voice in her head…how was it possible…?

butchiesmom

I'm still working on this but would appreciate some input.

hugs,
Gail

crazymamma5

that sounds good with the changes but i would put the 'yea' in front of whatever it would emphasis her attitude toward her husband more and instead of heart pounding make it heart thumping so that pounding isn't used twice.

butchiesmom

I'm made more changes. What do you think now?

crazymamma5

love it!!

butchiesmom

I've made more minor changes. I think it's easier for me to see what needs to be filled in this way, lol.

Gail

MsJacquiiC

1st - just a few questions GAIL... Have you ever thought of publishing? Perhaps even putting together a chapbook or compilation of your short stories? Have you ever thought of entering any of the literary contests posted in the Contests and/or the Writers Needed sections? I think you'd have a more than fair chance of winning writing contests and an even higher chance of being published by some of the markets listed!

You have a very natural and innate way of storytelling... You have definitely concentrated on presenting Samina's surroundings in this story:

This early passage is just one example of what I personally consider very fine writing. It's almost as if the reader is sucked in to the vortex of your story - such is the nature of your "setting the scene" - and right from the very start.

I'm not sure how this story would evolve into a larger work - because it seems just fine the way it is really - you could tidy up the ending - but then again - it wouldn't be such a cliff hanger - And cliff hangers generally leads the reader wanting more!

I like this writing very much - and I can't really think of anything to suggest that could possibly make it better. Perhaps a little more dialog between Camina and her husband could really accentuate her "disdain" towards him and would justify her being a little less than "gallant" about her last thought process:

All that said... I'm quite impressed with your write - the flow seems so easy and natural. And I know it wasn't so easy - especially after reading how you've edited and edited. But yeah - easy, natural AND NOVEL! Novel is key! And though it has the Stephen Kingish type flavor - The concept is handled with applomb, it's not stale, it keeps the reader rivited...

I definitely think you should look into publishing your stuff!
Great write = AWESOME share!

Jacquii.