butchiesmom

This is the scene/chapter following the Chosen Ritual. If you've been following the saga, such as it is, you'll be surprised, lol.

Rough Draft!! I know it needs a lot of work!

Maobi moved through the crowd. Though she normally would be using her skills as a pickpocket to fill the coffers of the Protector before they moved on to the next village, she passed through it without stopping. Her right hand held the treasure the Protector craved. Such a rare artifact would bring a great price in the Undermarket. She spied her target, on the Chosen platform, surrounded by a group of men. He was talking down to them trying to drum up business. She caught his eye and flashed him a sign which indicated he was to meet her immediately in a predesignated spot away from prying eyes. Maobi moved quickly and was there several second before her boss.

The Protector looked around for spying eyes, kissed Maobi long and deep, then asked, “What do you have for me, darling?”

Maobi smiled, reached into the hidden pocket and brought out the artifact. His gasp of delight was reward enough for her.

“This is better than I could’ve dreamed,” he finally managed to gasp at her. “Do you know what this will do, Maobi?”

Maobi’s pleasure in her lover’s surprise changed. The tone in his voice. The look on his face didn’t look or sound like money. It was the look he gave the crowds as he spouted out his nonsense about the siikers. She’d heard enough of his speeches that she knew when his mind hand gone to the Protector mode.

“Will do? I’m not sure what you mean,” she warily stated. “I thought this would bring us a great price on the After.”

“Yes, yes,’ the impatience in the Protector’s voice was clear, “it would fill our coffers for the winter,” he said, ‘but this is how I can prove to the people here that their ‘Council’ won’t protect them. That something like this,” he gave the artifact a tiny shake toward her, “is not protection from those monsters.”

Maobi cringed inwardly. If only he knew… “You’ve forgotten something important.”

The Protector had turned toward the crowd, the concentration on his face evidence of the speech, which would soon harangue the happy crowd in the marketplace. He stopped in mid-stride and turned back to her. “What have I forgotten?”

“You can’t stop a siiker any better than that thing in your hand,” she reminded him.

“I know that,” his impatient tone of voice bordered on rudeness.

“Then what are you planning to do with that thing if you’re not going to sell it?”

“I didn’t say we wouldn’t sell it, eventually. I have a use for it right now though. Watch and learn, darling.”

What have I done? Maobi’s realization of the results of her actions came too late.

She watched from the fringes of the crowd, which gathered around the platform and her lover, The Protector. She knew no other name for him as he refused to tell anyone his birth name.

She watched and listened to him as his voice, so strong and comforting told the people who celebrated the absence of Mara and the absence of the siiker in the village.

She watched his hands, so strong, so gentle on her body; hold the artifact, the thing that she brought to him. The object, which should bring enough supplies for the little band to last the cold seasons, she watched as he held it out so all could see that what they celebrated was not to be.

Maobi watched as the three men whom the villagers collectively called the Council, left the crowd and went to the Council House, despite the haranguing they received from her lover and those whom had cheered them hours before.

Maobi watched the strange creature emerge from the forest moving along the path she’d tread on the way back into the village with the artifact in her hand. It was unlike any creature shed spied before. Apparently, though, some in the crowd knew what it was. A ripple, not unlike that of a stone thrown into a pond, grew outward from the first person to spy it. She heard the word ‘siiker’ as the ripple spilled over to her.

Maobi throat tried to scream, tried to warn the Protector, whose back was toward the oncoming creature. She tried to raise her land to point at the creature/human behind him. To warn him of the siiker he was telling this village he would protect them from.

“Siiker! It’s behind you! Protect us as you have the others!” Maobi heard from he crowd collected in front of him. The Protector turned just as the siiker threw a glowing ball at the platform, at the man with the artifact. It and the man disappeared in a glow which spread to include those standing close by. Screams were cut short, people disappeared in mid-stride.

Maobi’s impulse to flee, to get away from that ‘thing’ which now had her lover and those who’d been unfortunate to be close to him, finally freed her but it was too late.

The siiker looked around, its head moving left to right, sniffing the air looking for more of that which it craved. She turned with nothing but flight on her mind.

No one else remained from the crowd which urged the Protector to do as he promised. No one stood and applauded as the siiker was defeated. No one. No one else was there to witness Maobi’s capture by the siiker save a few dogs chasing a stray cat.

No one other than a former midwife who’d fallen into a few streams on the way back to her home. Mara’s thoroughly drenched body stood quiet as the siiker appeared to discover her presence. It looked at her. Mara stared back at it. The two locked eyes for a second. It sniffed, turned and walked out of the village, apparently satiated.

Mara sneezed, wiped her nose on one still dripping sleeve, turned and headed for home.

SarahNSH

Hello Gail!

As you know, I know this is a rough draft so I'm hoping this review will be helpful for you. Anywho, I'm gonna hop right into the review for you!

Such a rare artifact would bring a great price in the Undermarket.-

I really like the name of the market and what you called it. It's original and it kind of reminded me of "Underworld" with it being called "Undermarket."

Maobi’s pleasure in her lover’s surprise changed. The tone in his voice. The look on his face didn’t look or sound like money. It was the look he gave the crowds as he spouted out his nonsense about the siikers. -

Okay, I thought that I'd point out this part right here and it read a little awkward. It just reads a little choppy so I'd suggest maybe combining the three seperate sentences into 1-2 sentences instead with what you're saying. I know what you're saying with it, but it's just that it feels chobby with reading it.

She watched from the fringes of the crowd, which gathered around the platform and her lover, The Protector. She knew no other name for him as he refused to tell anyone his birth name.

She watched and listened to him as his voice, so strong and comforting told the people who celebrated the absence of Mara and the absence of the siiker in the village.

She watched his hands, so strong, so gentle on her body; hold the artifact, the thing that she brought to him. The object, which should bring enough supplies for the little band to last the cold seasons, she watched as he held it out so all could see that what they celebrated was not to be.

Maobi watched as the three men whom the villagers collectively called the Council, left the crowd and went to the Council House, despite the haranguing they received from her lover and those whom had cheered them hours before.

Maobi watched the strange creature emerge from the forest moving along the path she’d tread on the way back into the village with the artifact in her hand. It was unlike any creature shed spied before. Apparently, though, some in the crowd knew what it was. A ripple, not unlike that of a stone thrown into a pond, grew outward from the first person to spy it. She heard the word ‘siiker’ as the ripple spilled over to her.

I would suggest when it starts with her "watching" what is going on with her lover, maybe changing up the word choice with "watched" to "looked, gazed, ect." just to mix-up the word choice. This is just a suggestion though and completely up to you.

Apparently, though, someone in the crowd knew what it was.

A ripple, not unlike that of a stone thrown into a pond, grew outward from the first person to spy it.-

Love this metaphor of the stone thrown in a pond, great job! Definitely makes it easier to imagine after you read this and I really liked it.

The Protector turned just as the siiker threw a glowing ball at the man with the artifact. -

This is my suggestion for the above sentence, though I know I could tweak it better, but I think this may work better.

lol, the ending for this story is definitely quite humorous with Mara's rather non-reaction to the situation. What I really, really wanted though was more of a description of what the siiker's exactly looked like. I am wondering if she'd be a bit more terrified by the creature than her original reaction, though, thinking of Mara I could see her doing this as well. Anyways, I enjoyed reading through this scene and liked your new female character. I also liked the tension in the scene too. Oh, and a question I also have, what is a coffer? Altogether, I enjoyed reading this and hope this review is helpful for you!