DaveKuzminski

Many writers want to become well known, if not famous. However, everything depends upon getting your manuscript seen by an editor who sees the spark of genius within you as evidenced by your writing. Toward that end, I researched how writers compose and send in their manuscripts. Consequently, several minutes of intensive study using a random sampling base of one, guaranteed accurate within plus or minus fifty percent, led me to conclude that many writers simply don't know how to put a bug in an editor's ear without becoming a pest. Hopefully, this method I developed through grueling research will help some unfortunate, yet desperate, unpublished writer reach a publisher in a way that will assure him of never being forgotten throughout the annals of publishing history. Please observe the following instructions carefully.

For those of you in temperate or Arctic regions, unless you keep your house warm enough to assure a constant supply, you'll have to wait until spring before attempting to utilize this method. However, the first step isn't catching a fly. The first step is to be prepared. That means taking a quick shopping trip to your writing supply store to purchase a fly writing kit as many writers don't possess one of these. Do not purchase a fly casting outfit from a sporting goods store. That's something entirely different and appropriate only for movie directors.

Be forewarned, not many writing supply stores have this kit on hand. The backlog is tremendous and these kits take many skilled hours by illegal immigrant workers to construct. Very often, unannounced visits by the Immigration Service are responsible for the lack of supply to meet the overwhelming demand. Keeping that in mind when you purchase your kit, be sure that it contains the following implements: harness, tiny knockout hammer, micro-pen, and a Fresnel lens.

Got the kit? Good! You're ready for the next step.

Yes, it's finally time for you to catch a fly. If you're writing a short story, then almost any fly will do. However, if you're writing a novel, be sure to catch one of those big, humongous horseflies. Trust me, you'll need the extra space to do your best creative writing. Just be thankful you're not writing War and Peace as horseflies rarely reach a size large enough to handle that. Besides which, War and Peace has already been written. However, if your manuscript is truly to be that large, you should consider moving to Africa first so that you can use an elephant fly instead.

Be careful making the capture. Always approach with the harness in your left hand at the ready and the tiny knockout hammer in your right hand, unless you're left-handed. In that case, approach with the tiny knockout hammer in your right hand and the harness in your left hand.

When you make the approach, always approach from the left side in the northern hemisphere and from the right side in the southern hemisphere. However, if you're on the equator, approach from the front while swishing the hammer in front of you to confuse the fly. Flies on the equator are generally confused to begin with as to whether they should take off with a curve to the right or left. Don't make it easier for the fly to figure out how to escape.

At this point, you should have beaned a fly. While the fly is unconscious . . . You didn't kill him, I hope. Anyway, while the fly is unconscious, slip the harness into place. The harness will immobilize the fly so you can write on him. Uh, you did knock unconscious a male fly, didn't you? After all, the kits are only sold with harnesses for male flies. Well, if not, just forget that particular fly and keep hunting until you've beaned a male fly into a stupor of unconsciousness. Then harness him so he's immobile.

Assuming that you now have a male fly in captivity and immobilized, it's time to use the last two tools from your kit. Get out the Fresnel lens and the micro-pen. Uh, be careful with that Fresnel lens as too much light shined through it will fry your fly into the equivalent of KFF (Kentucky Fried Fly), a delicacy in Arkansas. Should you fry your fly, remove the harness, retrieve your tiny knockout hammer, and repeat step two.

Otherwise, put on your thinking hat. You did buy one at the writing goods store, I hope, if you don't already have one. Other clothes are optional. After all, the fly's unconscious and can't laugh at what he might see.

Proceed to think.

Then write down the marvelous short story or epic novel that comes to mind while using the micro-pen. Be sure not to write on the wings. The fly will need those left properly balanced as nature originally blessed him so he can later wing his way to your publisher with your manuscript thus saving you postage.

Before you revive the fly with a dash of cold water after finishing your manuscript, be sure to chant the publisher's address several times so the fly will know where to go. Chanting the address in a mantra style usually works best for publishers in California. However, rap and country-western are known to work for New York and Chicago, respectively. You might also whisper that there's a female fly waiting for him at that publisher's office as a reward.

Lastly, revive the fly. Give the fly a few moments to get his bearings. Make sure that a door or window is open so he can leave. Then give him a quick shot of adrenaline to boost his flying ability by shouting the name of any popular insecticide. On occasion, it may be necessary to actually show the insecticide container just so the fly will know you mean business.

When your publisher receives your masterpiece, he will have no recourse but to admire you after rewarding your fly with a female so your fly will quit bugging him. You will have then demonstrated your perseverance and determination, not to mention your conservation of trees by using a fly instead of paper. Surely he will publish your work.