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HOW TO CRAP AT WORK
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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something brewing down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
work.
CROP DUSTING
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When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful
when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.
FLY BY
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The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others
in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
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A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied
by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an
escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
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When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a
hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain
in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
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The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being
caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
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Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom.. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts
you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
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A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
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A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
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A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the
odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
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Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
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A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
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A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove
all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
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A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel
a Watermelon coming on,create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
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A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
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A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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