TrueBlue

the happy schizo-affective song

twisted
demented
manifesto
cemented
o, how i hate all of the hate of this world

( - for penance i will write a thousand happy love songs and pray -)

confusions,
delusions -
illusions'
intrusions
i do not really understand at all the ways of this world

oh, no!!!
are there voices
watching?
waiting?
anticipating?
"You spirits -- yes, you are beautiful," i speak

( -i will try i will grow - i'll be good - that's what i want for me- that's what i want to know - )

then why do i want to fix all the wrong i have witnessed?
(i don't know -- close my eyes -- do i trust?)
then why do i feel like there's always something wrong?
(i can't say - this world is not so bad -- is it me? as i rust?)
why does my mind fixate and tell me it's all my own fault,
(oh no, that can't be true - no!!! that's a purposeless song!)
when i'm just a caged up monkey all this time? an assault?
(no it isn't that way! that is not true - i'll wish and love today
and
move on!)

and, the voice in my head, it
goes:
"don't you speak
don't speak
child"

i can't speak
i won't speak
i stand
i'm old now -- it's been a while

"oh now don't speak
now
shhh!"

and
i
go
within,
and i ask
God

about sin:

"why have i been so lonely so long?
why did You make me this way? so quiet,
so much stress upon, making me weird, making me sad,
always, within, pressure upon? confused, perterbed, in consternation!
why is my faith so shaken?
where is catharsis? there has been so much war!
o, am i mad?!!
why am i haunted by thoughts that won't go away?"

(sigh. and let it go.)

o and i know i don't want to hurt another!
not even with my love, again!
all my anger turns inside to me and it boils
lingers, evaporates and is gone
- inside a song is when! -
my best way to cope with life, this imperfect state!
a faithful beauty as i go along

so
i write that healing poem
so
i make that soothing song
anything that helps
that child fear
not linger
and go
on and on and on

o i listen to the sound
of my heart
as it pounds
meditate to peace -
myself....
i am
single
and am alright
there is release

so long i've been alone now, yeah
so long now it doesn't even matter if i'm in a crowd
so alone i don't mind not being alone anymore
maybe this is growing up
to know what it is to be strong
maybe this has made me a man


i am too tired to die
too bored to cry
i love this world
with every
fibre
of my heart and soul, or tears that i cry
and i don't know why

i just want to open up everybody's eyes to love
(if i could)
i just want to join the God above
(will You have me?)
and then we'll all get together and hold hands
(in that next life)
and wonder at this life's magnificent creation
(yes)

and for the first time ever
feel
LOVE

O, but to feel real love!!!

Give love!

PaintedDiary

Dear True,
Wow! There is sooo much going on in this piece. The meandering, the intrinsic messages interwoven, the happy, the sad, the fantasy vs reality, the good vs the evil, the yes and the no, the (this is me feel, or is it?). This piece to me, is one of the windows into the beauty, intricacy, perplexity, and complexity that the mind of TrueBlue has so graciously opened to share with us. I have a young cousin named Xavier who was 16 years old, when diagnosed. Xavier had to come out of public school, I did home school him for a year, after researching and working with his doctors. I experienced first hand, how to cope, interact, manage, and love all of him (meaning all of the people, that made up Xavier, & now he is 18 years old). In reading from your website, is where I first learned of your diagnosis. This puissant Narrative poem tells your story, fears, confessions, and triumphs. I love your work, and True, your voice that I read in this is as Beautiful as a plush Rainforest with a myriad of species known and unknown. However, people must realize that the Rainforest will always continue to flourish, and serve many. You wrote this with every fiber of your being, this is you, the real, uncensored you. Very Powerful!! The spider-woven imagery, demand of omnipotence, raw word choice, juxtaposition of words, style, and the structure of the poem is brilliant. I am wisping away a few tears as I write this. I stared at the screen for a bit, just absorbing your life in this piece. We are truly (no pun intended) blessed to have you here at Ms Jacquii's Forum. Take Care.

Kimberly

MsJacquiiC

Yeah such recognition with this piece. But faith never unshakeable, that is the catharsis - Hey PAUL I am liking the honesty and the testimony of this piece! I too have visited your website and just found out about your mental malady - if I dare call it that...

Anyway - I too have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder - used to be called manic depressive, and as of late the mood swings are a bit incredible - Kinda like the many things "going on" in this poetic piece you've shared with the Community

I too have been diagnosed as "borderline" pschizophrenic - though I don't know how one can be 'borderline' anything... Anyway this is something that I have not told many people about - In my poetic circle people don't like to hear about mental maladies and such...

I'm kinda surprised to be talking about it now actually - I think your poem gave me a bit of inspiration/courage -----> Possibly.

At anyrate - I thank you for sharing this beautifully complex song!

Jacquii.