Eric

Your hair flowing over your eyes
a curtain of onyx
obscuring tears

Even now
especially now
I wish I could tell you everything

How I wanted to trust you
how I wanted to believe
in you
In us

I've kept all the feelings
bottled away for so long
Now when it matter's I cannot feel

I've locked it all away

I cannot feel
as much as I want to

I grip your hand in mine
willing warmth
back into it again

Wishing you'd open your eyes
look into mine
and see the truth

Just look into mine
and see the love
the tears

Look in my eyes
and see
all that I cannot voice

I brush away your hair
"look at me please"
but it's too late

For you
and for me

As the monitor flatlines.

JeffMeyer

Eric:

A painful scene depicted here. That third stanza (strophe?) seems to imply a realtaionship issue, which casts the whole reason for the passing into a questionable, if not sinister, light. How, indeed, did this come about? the reder is left wondering.

I would eliminate the last line (my opinion only). It is rather telly, and we already know she has died from stanza 7. Just a thought.

Interestng read, Eric.

--Jeff Meyer

butchiesmom

Wow, Erik! Your work improves each time I read it. The tangible emotions, how I wanted to believe / in you / In us, the images so vivid, I brush away your hair, I can almost touch them, is simply fantastic.

Unlike Jeff, I didn't get that she had passed away, but that she was only a image on a screen, perhaps an unrequited love, but after reading his comments, I'm thinking, duh! why did I see that?

Anyway, Erik, I do have one suggestion...Now when it matters I cannot feel...I hope you don't mind.

An emotional, tangible picture to watch in a poetic version.

hugs,
Gail

SarahNSH

Wow, this is a really great, emotionally packed poem that the imagery and all of it was very tangible for me. I almost got the feel of lovers that broke up with each other and are trying to have another try with each other at first... of course, the line about willing warmth should have hinted me otherwise but I was thinking of willing warmth in the hand such as with the warmth of love that has now become cold.

Anywho, I liked the two different takes I could take on this poem and had to give it another read. I really enjoyed coming across this and thank you for sharing!