SarahNSH

I am shedding, like a
snake emerging from its
old skin. The process
never ends, rubbing finger
tips against my tanned
body, underneath blood
flows to the surface.

The remnants fall onto my bed,
white, black, crumply things
covering the blue background
of my comforter. A disgusting
montage of particles
tainting the ocean blue
of my blanket and the
experience of touching
my own satin limbs.

I strike it off of me,
like you would set a
match on fire. The feeling
of the remnants on my
newly shaved, smooth
legs is like sandpaper.
Running my hands over
them I will not tolerate
the bumps and detours
these small, rolled up
pieces of skin create.

With nurturing and gentle
hands I caress the sensual
scent of blackberries onto
me. Nourishing parts that
have been burnt by the
sun's scornful rays. It
envies my beauty and tries
to set every uncovered inch
of this body aflame.

I instead become a golden
goddess of tanning glory.

JeffMeyer

Interesting take on peeling after a sunburn--at least that's how it read to me. I know if i had written it, I would have had to have emphasized the INTENSE ITCHINESS!!! Just a brief crit, if those are permitted in this forum: consider reducing the amount of articles (the's, a's, and an's) and pronouns, to focus the reader on the descriptive words. Just my own humble opinion. Enjoyed reading this, and lok forward to more.

--Jeff Meyer

SarahNSH

Hello!

Yes, this was the total idea was the peeling after sunburn... but I never burned, yet, I still had that whole peeling problem which caused me to create this poem. So, if I did get burned I'd definitely include the itchiness, and a lot more of the torture of having a sunburn.

Well, it's nice to meet you and thank you for your helpful review! I took your suggestion of removing some of the articles, the the's, a's, and an's, and remade my poem.Thank you very much for the criticism and your suggestion, because I was wondering in my use of articles was too much and you answered that for me... Plus, with removing as many of the articles as I could it does seem to read better and be more of reading the poem and the images are. Does this version of the poem work better?

Here is the poem where I looked through it and tried to remove as many articles as I could:

I am a snake, shedding
And emerging from my
Old skin like a phoenix
Rising from ashes of itself.
Rubbing finger tips against
my tanned body, underneath
Blood flows to surface.

The remnants fall onto my bed,
white, black, crumply things
covering the background
of my comforter. A disgusting
montage of particles
tainting the ocean blue
of my blanket.

I strike it off of me,
like you would set a
match on fire. The remnants
on my newly shaved,
Smooth legs is like sandpaper.
Running my hands over
them I will not tolerate
the bumps and detours
these small, rolled up
pieces of skin create.

With nurturing and gentle
hands I caress sensual
scent of blackberries onto
me. Nourishing parts burnt
by sun's scornful rays.
It envies my beauty and tries
to set every uncovered inch
of this body aflame.

I instead become a golden
goddess of tanning glory.

JeffMeyer

Sarah:

I like the rewrite of the first stanza! The part about the pheonix is nicely bookended with the transformation in the final two lines. I think we could all nit and pick at each other's poems, probably forever, just like we can look at a painting and say "I would have used a smaller brush here, or a lighter stroke there." At some point it comes down to personal preference on the critic's part.

If you would like to workshop this piece further, I'd love to offer any perspective or opinion you'd like to gather. (I think there is a workshopping forum in here somewhere.) If not, I understand. I rarely workshop my own pieces, preferring to apply whatever worked or didn't work to future pieces.

In any case, I have enjoyed viewing the evolution of htis poem so far, much like a snake shedding in and of itself. Hope to hear more from you soon!

mikeham

Well there's always someone who says they like the first version, and that is me this time.
it seems more organic, i can picture it , that process 'that never ends', and you keep the image of the snake, rather than mixing your metaphors; it also has a more conversational-less formal, more intimate- style that I personally like more. hope it makes sense; all in all,they're both pretty good

Altree94

Hi Sarah!
I gotta agree with Jeff and say that the second write seems to flow more smoothly while still keeping the imagery alive. Mikeham isn't kidding though, when he says that they are BOTH pretty good!

Tree.

erikestabrook

I enjoyed this just because it was so very different,

I still am not sure some word usage can't be replced to be more eloquent example: crumbly things think hard there's abetter replacement word or words