RevisionsAll revised works initially posted in the Critique Saloon need to go in this section. Revision 1 of 1000, lol--->Revision #1 of My First Novel
Beautiful Train
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Biography: Teachers, like candles; consume a little of ourselves everyday, so our students can shine bright.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jer4clarity
Kim,
I'm not going to be one to try to critique because this is really out of my league. I can tell you that your story has some nice twists and turns. I like a story I can't predict. Most of yours is that way. enjoyed reading it! My Fav is where you pull the reader into the drama with the writing on the back of picture and how everything seems to blend together. You might say that Rebeccah seemed jolted then pulled herself away from the picture feeling she had been drawn into the story, like a dream....and the train continued on its eerie way to.....
Thanks
Jerry
Dear Jerry,
Thank you for your precious time to read and to comment. I will be separating this into Chapters for easier reading, and pulling the story into "Novel", mode. I love the suggestion and will incorporate that into the novel. Thanks a million lava flows.
Kimberly
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The story is coming together. Be careful of too many adverbs. I've been cautioned about the same thing, lol.
This sentence, I think, is a little confusing. Are you saying only a few people have been there in a long time or they've only taken a few steps and already feel like they're being watched?
The trio felt hauntingly watched with only a few footsteps embedded upon the forlorn soil.
I'm constantly tired lately so I'm having trouble concentrating on critiquing and my writing. So, I'll take one paragraph at a time, lol. I like how you're slowly establishing your characters and imagery. Keep it up, you're doing great.
Biography: Teachers, like candles; consume a little of ourselves everyday, so our students can shine bright.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butchiesmom
The story is coming together. Be careful of too many adverbs. I've been cautioned about the same thing, lol.
This sentence, I think, is a little confusing. Are you saying only a few people have been there in a long time or they've only taken a few steps and already feel like they're being watched?
The trio felt hauntingly watched with only a few footsteps embedded upon the forlorn soil.
I'm constantly tired lately so I'm having trouble concentrating on critiquing and my writing. So, I'll take one paragraph at a time, lol. I like how you're slowly establishing your characters and imagery. Keep it up, you're doing great.
Love ya sis.
Gail
Hi Gail!,
YES! You are so right! I have that sentence highlighted in my Word document, and should have here. Yes, I have struggled with that and will revise! Ugh! It reads horribly, lololol.
Hope you feel better sis, and thank you so much for all your help, support, and most valued critiquing.
I am going to separate into chapters this week hopefully, and repost. Thanks Gail, and I will be back with a much more readable sentence.
That is me after this novel is done, LOLOLOL, Hell it may be next week! LOLOL
Ok, I'm jealous! You have a great head start on this! You have the outline of the story and have started to flesh it out with more details. The parts which confused me are clarified and I can see images solidifying. The detail with Rebecca and Black Annie at the end is simply fantastic.
I was going to make some suggestions, but thought you would catch whatever I had to suggest in the many revisions to come!
Biography: Teachers, like candles; consume a little of ourselves everyday, so our students can shine bright.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butchiesmom
Ok, I'm jealous! You have a great head start on this! You have the outline of the story and have started to flesh it out with more details. The parts which confused me are clarified and I can see images solidifying. The detail with Rebecca and Black Annie at the end is simply fantastic.
I was going to make some suggestions, but thought you would catch whatever I had to suggest in the many revisions to come!
Fantastic Kim!
lubya
Gail
LOLOL...thanks Gail for coming back to read and to comment! This may not be my magnum opus but it sure feels like it...lol! I am slowly working on this and as I told you today on IM, I just worked on more this morning. I should have yet another revision soon. Whatever suggestions you have please do let me know when you feel up to it, and I did get your suggestion in the Chatbox last night. Thank you. I have soooooo much work to do on this...but as my grandmother used to say...put it on back burner...slow simmer...till tender...lol...Love ya!
Kim
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butchiesmom
Ok, I'm jealous! You have a great head start on this! You have the outline of the story and have started to flesh it out with more details. The parts which confused me are clarified and I can see images solidifying. The detail with Rebecca and Black Annie at the end is simply fantastic.
I was going to make some suggestions, but thought you would catch whatever I had to suggest in the many revisions to come!
Fantastic Kim!
lubya
Gail
LOLOL...thanks Gail for bringing this back to life and for coming back to read and comment! This may not be my magnum opus but it sure feels like it...lol! I am slowly working on this and as I told you today on IM, I just worked on more this morning. I should have yet another revision soon. Whatever suggestions you have please do let me know when you feel up to it, and I did get your suggestion in the Chatbox last night. Thank you. I have soooooo much work to do on this...but as my grandmother used to say...put it on back burner...slow simmer...till tender...lol...Love ya!
Kim
Last edited by PaintedDiary; 02-03-2008 at 04:09 PM.
Reason: Automerged Doublepost
You're welcome and you bet I'll be back, lol. Kinda tired after getting jazzed up with our confo. I'm looking forward to watch this getting fleshed out.
lubya Sis!
Biography: Teachers, like candles; consume a little of ourselves everyday, so our students can shine bright.
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Hi Gail!! Time time board "The Beautiful Train" and see what happens! lolol....
I will be working on this story too along with my others, and filling in with text, fleshing out, and etc, etc. Great job on yours and when my eyes straighten out..I have some reading to do! I can't wait for school to let out for the summer so I can really get into it, and hope my eyes can take it, cuz I have a lot of work to do! Love ya!
That is me after this novel is done, LOLOLOL, Hell it may be next week! LOLOL
i
