RevisionsAll revised works initially posted in the Critique Saloon need to go in this section. Revision 1 of 1000, lol--->Revision #1 of My First Novel
Beautiful Train
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Beautiful Train
OK, everyone, here is Revision 1 out of 1000 I am sure. I need help with everything! I have trouble with the English language period, tense, and oh hell, everything! LOL At any rate, I wanted to post my progression and evolution to publishable perfection, for all to see. LOL Keep in mind also, this revision is still minus the "edge of your seat" suspense effect, the dialogs, spice, and etc. I have also taken out some of the challenge words used in the original. I also centered this, for easier reading for me, and may not be for everyone. This is taking into account suggestions from AMZY, Ms Gail, Ms Jacquii, Ms Tree, Ms Sally, and some of Ms Nomads. Ms Nomad's suggestions will be implemented in the next few rounds, as she was excellent with the spice and descriptive wording to bring the story out. I have to research to see if there were "pubs" in the 1800's in the U.S., as I am trying to make the story as authentic as possible. Is why the word "pub" is highlighted in red, for me to be able to go back and edit with ease.Where there is a [], is where I plan to fill in the lines with the text, and is an indicator for me to do so. A mini writer's tool for me that I use.
Setting: Nottingham, West Virginia Date: Aug 14th, 1910
Copyright
Kimberly D. Robinson
June 2007
Rebecca Rochester read about a small town (once a leading coal producer in the 1800's), being plagued by mysterious disappearances. She worked as a reporter at a prominent paper with two partners, Cory, and Noel. The young trio was curious about this uncanny coal town, and set out to investigate. After traveling from Pennsylvania, they finally arrived at Nottingham.
Upon first glance, the landscape of the town appeared bleak. The feel of the town was overwhelmingly cold and piercing. The trio had only a few footsteps embedded on the forlorn soil before feeling a lurk in the atmosphere. An odd burning stench seemed to invade their nostrils. Assuming the air quality could be toxic; the reporters brought masks for protection. Prior to arriving, the energetic trio learned of a local pub frequented, all day, every day. The pub was the perfect place to set up, get refreshments, and meet some of the local residents. The trio immediately started asking carefully about the mysterious disappearances. The townspeople were not ready for such meddlesome and inquiry. Their sudden arrival and line of questioning created unwanted chaos and a sense of urgency. This unforeseen reaction etched many questions in the reporter’s minds, adding even more mystique surrounding this strange town. What happened to the people that seemed to just vanish? Why were the townspeople so closemouthed and scared? Why such reluctance to talk about what seemed to be an eerie shadow over this town?
End of Chapter 1
There was an old railroad that went through the town like an artery. Old, inoperable, and abandoned would best fit the description. The trio asked if anyone had explored the grounds around the old trains. That question alone, cleared the pub in a matter of minutes. Another anomaly the reporters faced was that the older townspeople shuddered at the mere sight of Rebecca, and proclaimed "Black Annie was back!"
The disturbing reaction surrounding the name of "Black Annie" sparked a crusade to find out more. The reporters set out to the old local library, hoping to shed some light on this mystery. Wondering if there was a correlation between Black Annie and the disappearances, Rebecca asked the librarian (named Ms Ruth) for help. A ghastly look poured over Ms Ruth's face, at first glance of Rebecca. The reaction manifested into instant hysteria. Surprising; even frightening the trio. Pulling herself together just enough, Ms Ruth gave Rebecca a mirror with the initials "A B" inscribed on the back. Rebecca decided not to question about the mirror at that time, for fear of losing any leads possible, so she remained silent. From a hidden compartment behind the desk, Ms Ruth grabbed an antique key, then motioned for the reporters to follow her to the back of the library. They followed her with extreme caution. Ms Ruth presented them with an old, locked, and dirty closet, and fearfully opened it. A horrid, crematorium type stench blanketed them, and they began to gag. Immediately the reporters covered their nostrils with their masks, and offered an extra mask to the librarian. With shaky hands, Ms Ruth reached to the highest shelf and unveiled a charred looking secret black box. Etched on top of the box were the words "Black Annie". There was also a black pouch attached to the side of the box. Rebecca removed the pouch and reached inside. She pulled out an old railroad lock and key. Completely flummoxed, Cory and Noel demanded Rebecca proceed with caution. As terrified as she was, Rebecca unlocked the box, and opened it very slowly.Before the box was completely opened, Ms Ruth, holding her hand to her mouth, screamed one word to them before uncontrollably vomiting on her own Afternoon Dress." "Death!"
End of Chapter 2
Noel said he had to vomit, and ran to the outhouse. The comfort level now had dropped to a feel of evil, yet Cory and Rebecca continued their mission, not knowing what the consequences were. Inside the black box was a picture of Black Annie (the most beautiful train in all of West Virginia), a piece of the finest Anthracite Coal, and newspaper clippings of stories about an extraordinary woman named Anna Bordeaux. Clippings revealed that Anna Bordeaux was a prominent journalist, the most beautiful woman in town, and had many, many men and women as lovers. Married men, single men, as well as many married and single women. A taboo Anna flaunted with a smile, and a laugh that took her to the bank. More clippings boastingly showcased James Bordeaux (Anna’s father) as the Nottingham Railroad Captain. James was a proud man who tenaciously worked his way up from a coal heaver to a Captain by working long days and sacrificing his family.
Sadly, other clippings revealed that a train killed her father years ago, at midnight, as he was walking along the tracks with his favorite railroad lantern with the red globe. Beautiful and powerful steam locomotive trains fascinated Anna growing up. She always wanted to one-day work the railroad, and follow in her Father’s footsteps. Anna and her father were very close. Clippings also seemed to suggest something disturbing, however not concrete about their closeness.
When Anna began to lose her beauty in her late twenties, no gentleman or woman seemed to call on her or want her anymore. There wasn’t a better time to work on her beloved train. Anna wanted to be forgotten. The horror of her fading beauty and proclaimed prestige was devastating to Anna. She reverted back to her childhood love of trains to keep her spirit happy, and began writing a promised apocalypse. []
End of Chapter 3
Anna chose to run the steam engine, by shoveling coal, on the beautiful "Black Annie". She was the prettiest boiler worker ever seen. The men working the train gave Anna that longed for attention she thought to be forgotten, yet craved. Anna idolized that train, for its power, black beauty, and precious name. It took only a few months running the steam engine, that the once attentive railroad hands, began to dismiss her.
Always covered in the blackest ash, dust, and suet; Anna was deemed ugly, dirty, and was taunted by everyone. The townspeople began to laugh at her and named her "Black Annie", like the beautiful train Anna loved so. As she wished, Anna was quickly forgotten. trans & []
When Rebecca touched Anna's picture, a spark knocked the picture from her hand and the picture flew back into the dreaded box, and it locked. Odd thing was.... Rebecca was still holding the key. At that point the librarian began to grouse like they never heard before, and became uncontrollably hysterical.
That oh so familiar burning stench filled the entire library. The librarian demanded their immediate exit. Rebecca placed the mirror and the lock in her pocket. Rebecca and Cory ran as fast as they could, realizing that Noel never returned. Running out of the library to the outhouse, Rebecca and Cory came to a fearful halt. Slowly they opened the door, and Noel was nowhere to be found. A burning stench of flesh overwhelmed them. No time for sorrow, their decision to continue running was mutual. Soon Rebecca heard only her footsteps. Cory had also disappeared in the chaos.
End of Chapter 4
Rebecca continued to run to the abandoned railroad, as her gut instinct said to do so, and there, she would possibly find her answers. Close to midnight now, she found a single uninviting soul, sitting on the tracks. The person did not move. Rebecca, scared, tired, and frightened for her life, asked the person what is going on in this God-forbidden town. The person covered from head to toe in a thick black blanket, did not speak, nor did they show their face. An ominous feeling surrounded Rebecca in their presence, and felt like a carapace; devouring any sanity she may have left. Rebecca began to run again, as fast as her diminishing kinetic energy would allow. After running a few yards, a scintillating train, slowly moving as if floating, came into view. Coming to an immediate halt, this lustrous site demanded Rebecca’s attention, and her reverence. The train stopped and seemed to call on Rebecca.
The sight of the train was astounding, the most beautiful train Rebecca had ever seen. The train looked familiar, and like the train Anna worked on in the clippings. The train shimmered like a finest black pearl. For a moment's time Rebecca thought there it is. There is Black Annie. The most beautiful train in all of West Virginia. How could this be? True to her profession, Rebecca knew in her heart that she should not board, but the sweet smell of a successful story was too good to pass. Slowly she boarded the train. The spectacular beauty of the train was the first thing Rebecca wanted to write about. She fumbled in her pockets to find a pen and some folded paper. Instead, she pulled out the key, and the mirror.
All of a sudden the whistle blew, the train started to hauntingly move slowly, and Rebecca then saw the dreaded Black Box. [] She unlocked the box, and another picture was inside the box. Rebecca picked up the picture, and on the back of the picture was scribed. “To Rebeccah, thank you for coming, as you will see soon sweetheart, you brought me back to life, we are so beautiful, and always will be, till death do us part.” This almost seemed to amuse Rebecca.
When Rebecca turned the photo over, the mirror shattered. Rebecca picked up a piece of the mirror. The [nebulous]reflection seemed to [] interchange between hers, and a beautiful mist-like, yet horrifying reflection of Black Annie. At that instance, Rebecca realized that SHE was Black Annie; reincarnated. Rebecca jolted while letting go of the picture. She pulled herself away feeling she had been drawn into the story, like a dream. The picture, in what seemed like slow motion, floated to the floor. It was clear to Rebecca now. It was clear why the townspeople gave her fearful glares, and ran from the site of her. In Rebecca’s mind still lies the question of why. Why was she the chosen one?
Before Rebecca could utter a sound, a semi-human vision of Black Annie appeared laughing as she shoveled the remains of Cory and Noel into the burner. Annie spoke to Rebecca saying, “It’s alright, no need to be scared.” Rebecca wanted to run; however, somehow she was shackled to the floor of the beautiful train. Even the echoes of Rebecca’s screams did not return. There were no words to find, to write the story of one’s own demise. Frozen with fear, the brine of Rebecca’s tears crystallized on her cheeks.
Black Annie buoyantly stood in front of Rebecca and softly licked the tears from her face while caressing her sensually. Starring lovingly into Rebecca’s eyes, Black Annie then passionately French-kissed Rebecca. Unbeknownst to Rebecca, she reciprocated the carnal pleasure, enjoying this supernatural yet titillating kiss of death.
Anna went on to say, “Now you understand Rebecca. I once was every man and woman’s fantasy. However, they laughed at us. I warned the townspeople that I would get revenge. Burning souls of the kin, of those who taunted us, keeps me alive. Finding you assures me that I can once more be beautiful and live as I did before. Burning your flesh will make me whole again. Burning your soul in the burner of my beautiful train, supremely guarantees my mortality.”
The person on the track, was the only true and faithful lover of Black Annie. Ironically, her name was Rebeccah (with an "h" on the end) also. Rebeccah began writing this prophecy over one hundred years ago, to finally have Anna to herself. Upon hearing Rebecca's last apocalyptic scream, Rebeccah finished her story, closed her journal, and joined Anna on their Beautiful Train.
Last edited by PaintedDiary; 05-21-2008 at 09:44 AM.
Reason: additional commentary
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You wrote:
A ghastly and feverish look poured over her face, from what was before a very sophisticated looking woman, from the sight of Rebeca.
I suggest:
At the sight of REbeca, a ghastly and feverish look poured over the sophisticated looking woman's face.
You wrote:
What happened to these people that seemed to just vanish?
I suggest:
What happened to the people that seemed to just vanish? (I'm not sure of this one, since my grammar also sucks, but it sounded right).
The trio asked if anyone have (had) investigated the grounds around the old trains. That question alone, cleared a room in a matter of minutes. Another anomaly the reporters faced was() that the older townspeople shuddered in fear at the site (sight) of Rebeca, and proclaimed Black Annie was back!!
Noel, (said) he had to vomit (and), ran to the outhouse.
A lot of the problems (why I call them that, I don't know) will be worked out as the story comes along. I don't see anything other than what I've put above which won't be worked out by the time the story's finished.
Gail
Biography: I have my own website now erikestabrook.com, I hope you'll meet me there as well
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the details do seem greater, they compound a little too much though,
it was fun to read, and the fact that its centered around atrain and a ghost gives it an immediate audience, so try different ways with th ending people love new surprises th eghost winning is kinda obvious but thi should be longer n my opinion
Biography: Teachers, like candles; consume a little of ourselves everyday, so our students can shine bright.
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For starters, this is what I have so far. This is Revision #1 of 1000 I am sure! LOL Keep in mind also, this revision is still minus the "edge of your seat" suspense effect, the dialogs, spice, and etc. I am having a hard enough time with proper English, grammar, punctuation, quotes, tense, spelling, and etc., lol I found some spelling errors just today, am sure more will be found.
Thank you AMZY, I changed pretty much everything you suggested, other than the paragraphs I did not edit yet. When I do, I will change everything you suggested. Thanks a million lava flows. Love Ya!
Ms Jacquii...thank you so much for the opportunity, and for checking my spelling! Love Ya!
Dear Sally....omg...I forgot about the outhouses and such and I changed everything you suggested! Thank you so much. Love Ya!
Thanks Gail, I changed some of the things you suggested, and the paragraph in Dark Red, I did not get to yet, but will change as you saw necessary. I will play with the dream concept as well. Thank you so much. Love ya!
Ms Tree, thank you for all your suggestions last night, and I wrote everything down, and will PM you as well. Thanks sis. Love Ya!
Ms Nomad....I will go back and implement your descriptive suggestions, after I get a handle on things. Thank you so much. Love Ya!
Erik, yes, you are so right. Too much is compacted into this, and I feel the same way. I am going to spread this out, and begin my chapters, like it should be, and should allow for a more enjoyable read. Also, yes, I have some surprise endings that I am playing with as well. Thank you so much Erik. Love Ya!
I want to thank you guys for all your help, and I might add that writing a novel, is very difficult. This is my first and definitely takes tenacity and perseverance! lol I will be able to concentrate and do more when school is out for the summer. I am looking forward to doing more writing, revising, submitting stories and completing the artwork to some of my poetry.
{{{{{~~~***Kimberly***~~~}}}}}
Last edited by PaintedDiary; 06-11-2007 at 08:37 AM.
Reason: additional commentary
The imagery is flawless, It makes this reader want to go out and buy the book!!!!!
When is in for sale? LOL
The story is great. I find is very difficult to just sit down and write stories such as this. My mind is so twisted I tend to rhyme everything. Like Dr. Suess.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sally Roberts
Kim:
I love your beautiful Train!
The imagery is flawless, It makes this reader want to go out and buy the book!!!!!
When is in for sale? LOL
The story is great. I find is very difficult to just sit down and write stories such as this. My mind is so twisted I tend to rhyme everything. Like Dr. Suess.
Is there going to be a sequel?
A beautifully written scary tale. I love it.
Blessings
Awwww Sally, thank you so much for continuing to support me in this labor. I have a LONG, LONG way to go, however, the experience is one I will never forget. Keep coming back from to time for
Beautiful Train
