Anonymous Encounter

MsJacquiiC

Hey THEA - finally getting to the critique - Apologies for the delay.... A lot of times I'm a bit lazy with really critiquing - I'm glad you shared this poem though - it's apparent you have a solid poetic voice and there is something here that definitely has to be spoken.... So... With that said - I shall endeavor add some suggestions that you may want to consider for your revision process or consider for the processed goods trash can LOL - It's all good - but mostly keep in mind the original motif and inspiration you had when you first wrote this poem...



----------------
----------------

1st I will say... Your poem looks like a thick block... Even considering the title "Dishonored Temple" - I think of pieces.... You may consider making your poem 3 stanzas. Line breaks are important in poetry. Even though you may read/recite the poem as a block - the visual is ever present for those who don't hear your recital

I will suggest edit as per the 3 stanzas I suggest...

The 1st line... I like to see the verb as an act... I'd definitely say "My demon IS...." instead of the apostrophy "s" ---- ESPECIALLY being the 1st line....

I see an interesting thing with your writing - you like the prepositional phrases: OF the excuse, FOR my queen, WITH myself, etcetera.... As well you use the infinitive of the verb too much I think "to conceive" "to be" ==> consider a descriptive or even an action instead...

Those really are the main things that I think would bring this poem from "reads ok" to "reads like polished publication"

Example: ((and please -this is just an example of the points I outlined as suggestion - my style is my style - your style is your style - STYLE is key - you want your writing to remain ALWAYS YOU ))


My demon's unsheathed while attempting to conceive
Of the excuse for my queen, my love to be
These tears flooding my soul and voice
As I struggle with myself and this difficult choice.
The succubus in an angels form
The beauty with lies to disarm my scorn
Eyes radiating false sincerity
Enveloping my heart in a screeching harmony.
Lips a poisons drug of ruin
A delicate touch imbuing
Its caress into my flesh
Slipping off the straps of my emotional dress
Gazing at me nude with false love in her kiss
Slipping the restraints around each of my wrists
Cooing softly a web of deceit
Stealing me from my fearful retreat.
My heart delicately breaks
Unleashing a painful hate
Towards my own self and my romantic fate
Halting my attempt to wipe it clean by breaking the slate.

becomes....

My demon is unsheathed. Always unsheathed
as I conceive another lament, another of my Queens
excuse. This love
saturated in tears floods my soul and voice
as I struggle with myself and this tedious choice.

The succubus transforms into an angels form.
Lies of beauty disarms my scorn as eyes
radiating false sincerity envelopes my heart,
a screeching and unceremonious harmony.
Lips are a poisonous drug of ruin,
a delicate touch imbuing
its caress into my flesh,
clipping off the straps of my emotional dress.

She gazes at me nude with false love in her kiss,
slipping the restraints around each of my wrists.
Cooing she does, softly a web of deceit,
stealing me from my fearful retreat
and my heart delicatedly breaks,
unleashing a painful hate towards my own self
and my romantic fate,
halting my attempt to break the slate.


Subtle differences in punctuation can lead the poem to a whole different level LOL - Had a little bit of fun with this one, as the nuiances you've laid are quite impressive and the interpretation can be vast LOL.... Um.... Yeah - I think punctuation could be developed a little better in your poem, so that the thoughts are more distinct, instead of bleeding right into the next thought...

At any rate - a wonderful write - I'd suggest just playing with the phrasing just a bit - Question: have you read this out loud to yourself? I think reading aloud will help you more develop the line breaks - but please keep in mind - your line break does not have to fall at the very point of the rhyme! If you keep that in mind - it will give you a little more freedom with developing your stanzaic form and the line break...

Anyway - hope this has helped....

Jacquii.

Anonymous Encounter

thank you very much for this critique, i think i like my sort of formal way of breaking at the lines (where the line is) but i appreciate all the tips you gave me i'll take them into consideration. thank you!

MsJacquiiC

You're very welcome THEA - I hope the suggestions did provide some insight into what would make a more publishable poem... I really do think I was in a bit of an abstract type of mood last night - so the linebreaks I suggested definitely showed that LOL - Actually the suggestion is quite a popular poetic style called enjambment - when the line break comes in the middle of the sentence... It can make poem feel like “flow-of-thought” with a sensation of urgency or disorder, which would even epitomize the title of your poem Dishonored Temple.

Anyway - glad to help, as it is a very good poem and of course the suggestions are just that.... I'm definitely interested in reading your next edit.

Jacquii.