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    JPiC Portal » Main Forum Index » Poetic Colours » The Critique Saloon » Revisions

Revisions All revised works initially posted in the Critique Saloon need to go in this section.

Lunar Deity
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Old 03-01-2008, 10:16 AM
  post #1
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Lunar Deity

I fill a basin with moonlight
and carry it, brimming with magic,
to the tree I know so well.

A drop leaks from the hollow mouth,
trickles down my wrist and earthward.
I smell freshwater lilies and
the grass smiles in recognition.

Plunge a wooden paintbrush into the basin;
feel a rush of thirst
as I raise it to the wrinkly bark and graze
the trunk with sundry strokes.

Flooded with silver, my tree beams
into the darkness,
hand-crafted bioluminescence,
and my body quakes in craving.

Lift the bristles, silky as petals,
to my cheeks and anoint
my face in shivering ecstasy.

Deliver my lips to the cold metal rim;
an intoxicating chill creeps through me,
I feel the moonlight reaching, spreading its icy fingers
into all the crevices of my skin and bones and soul
and I am ablaze with passion as I embrace my tree,
its limbs tingling, my veins pulsing,
two heartbeats echoing the trembling stars,
our blood and sap mingling, blending,
until I am no longer sure
my torso is not a trunk and
that my roots may be only feet, or
that the tree and I are not
a reflection caught on the pond at twilight, or are we?
and we are the moon itself.
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Old 04-18-2008, 10:24 AM
  post #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by now&zen View Post
A drop leaks from the hollow mouth,
trickles down my wrist and earthward.
I love this! The imagery is unbelievably realiistic! I could see it all! This detail is fantastic and it just gets better as you read on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by now&zen View Post
my tree beams
into the darkness,
hand-crafted bioluminescence,
I can see the light on the tree and and how shines!

Quote:
Originally Posted by now&zen View Post
I feel the moonlight reaching, spreading its icy fingers
into all the crevices of my skin and bones and soul
and I am ablaze with passion as I embrace my tree,
its limbs tingling, my veins pulsing,
two heartbeats echoing the trembling stars,
our blood and sap mingling, blending,
until I am no longer sure
my torso is not a trunk and
that my roots may be only feet, or
that the tree and I are not
a reflection caught on the pond at twilight, or are we?
and we are the moon itself.
I read this and was so amazed at the quality of it all! The last stanza is fantastic! At first, I thought it was about two lovers in the dark and then realized it was the merging of the shadows of the tree and you! The way you wrote this is simply fantastic!

Great write, MJ!
Gail
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