J. Marie

Stolen Moments (Revised)

Forever I will treasure the
times we share together.

Hidden moments of passion,
time moves too quickly.
Wanting to stop the clock, never
letting go of this forbidden
passion we share.

Far and few in between those
hours bring such meaning to me.

The strength of your arms
create a feeling of safety, security.
Your soothing touch calms each
vibration that runs through my body.

Releasing tension, melting my heart,
my soul. I find it difficult to
let go of this desire we share,
that should not be.

Wrapped up in the moment,
feelings grow deeper. Never
thought it would be you
who moves me so.

Holding back my inhibitions some
for you don’t belong to me.
You belong to another.

Right now, I will be happy to linger.
Secretly wishing you were mine.

I will always cherish this point in time
when you were mine.
If even for only a few hours at a time!

PaintedDiary

Hi J. Marie,

This is a wonderful write J. Marie. A sure winner in my opinion. The revisions look great as well. A little provacative, hot, sexy spice.....is always nice! , LOL!!! I have only "three" miniscule suggestions, and "two" major (check for publication type things), and not suggestions. Having said that, here I go...

1} Ms Tree mentioned this, and I did not catch it....and that is the (to, too) choice. This should read....

***time moves too quickly

2} Perhaps there should be a comma or elipses after the word share in the following stanza...

Releasing tension, melting my heart,
my soul. I find it difficult to
let go of this desire we share
that should not be.

3} I believe the contraction should be written out to read (do not), as opposed to don't. However, another publishing preference type question to ask Ms Jacquii and / or other published Authors.

4} Lastly, this poem consists of.....29 lines. Again something to check with Ms Jacquii, FaSha and / or other published Authors of this genre as to publisher's preferences
(in terms of number of lines).

***There may be a publisher's limit (for this genre) , I am not sure, however, a question to consider.***

That was a joy to critique J. Marie, and thank you for submitting such a beautiful piece for us to lay our eyes on! Take Care,

Kim

J. Marie

Thank you so much..you are so sweet. I did make some minor changes after I read your reply. I should pull out my ol college book, the Harbrace book on puncuation.....that would probably help. Always did get confused with the two to's...LOL

I will ask for opinions from the ones who have been published when I have more time..for it is getting late.....

BTW did u check out "My Dream"......Thanks again I really appreciate it.
J. Marie

MsJacquiiC

Hey J. MARIE - I really like this revision more than the original - such is the beauty of the tweaking process ----> I also love the theme of this poem, as it sounds like a bit of my life actually.

I do have some suggestions for you, and I totally agree with what MS PAINTED & MS TREE have suggested about the "spice it up a bit" I, as a writer & poet, LOVE to see flamboyant and pretentious words. The longer, the better LOL - I'd actually like to see this poem with a bit of attitude - right from the beginning:

Forever I will treasure the
those utterly heartbreaking
times we share together
in our nest of sacred longings...

----------- ALSO - watch the context of your words... I will treasure....... Times we shared ------> very important that the tense remains congruent throughout, until the ending stanzas...


Hidden moments of passion,
time moves too quickly.

------------ This line seems incomplete to me, kinda like a thought that never quite finished... Perhaps some flourishing will complete the thought. example:

Those moments: so passion-laden.
Time moves too quickly by...

OR PUNCTUATION:

Hidden moments of passion.
Time moves too quickly.
----

The strength of your arms
create a feeling of safety, security.

Same as above about the verb-tense...

The strength of you arms
creates a feeling....

ALSO here - You may consider adding a bit more spice to your words. What do you think of when you think "safety" or "security"? I think of a net. example:

The strength in your muscled arms
creates the net I long to call home....


I also notice that you've began a lot of your stanzas with a verb in the act of doing something, i.e. Wanting, Holding, Releasing:

Releasing tension, melting my heart,
my soul. I find it difficult to......

I think this is a big NO-NO - Sometimes it may work, but I don't think it works in this piece at all... What you may want to do instead is to add an action "scene" instead of the descriptive. You may even consider combining your stanzas, as there is no set guideline, i.e.

The strength of your arms
create a feeling of safety, security.
Your soothing touch calms each
vibration that runs through my body.

Releasing tension, melting my heart,
my soul. I find it difficult to
let go of this desire we share,
that should not be.

BECOMES

The strength in your muscled arms
creates the net I long to call home.
Your soothing touch calms each
vibration that runs through my body,
releasing tention. Melting my heart,
my soul.... I find it difficult to
let go of this desire we share.
The one that shouldn't be.

Again - I think you have the premise started for a publishable poem - It's just a matter of tweaking it and editing it and revising it that will make it publishable, rather than "just another poem." Now that I've re-read this poem a couple of times, the premise is very good actually.

I have a suggestion for your next revision: try reading your poem aloud to yourself. If it sounds right - write it down the way you've said it... You may find that the linebreaks are a little different, but I think you will also find out that the speakable poem is more than likely the better version.

So anyway - I hope that makes sense - AND I look forward to your next revision. Again - if you have any questions then PM me and we'll try to figure it out OK - Thanx again for sharing also - I'm kinda liking this piece!

Jacquii.

Nikos Tselepides

I finally discovered the "critique' place.

A good poem in general.

The lines that end with the words "the" and "each" are wrong-ended.
At the end of a line, always use a word which contains a unit of meaning, and never one which has no meaning in itself unless connected with another word.
Also the comment that says never begin with a gerundival verb (Having, Doing etc--the _ING form of the verb) finds me in agreement.

Thanks for a nice poem.