MsJacquiiC

Well - here's my 2nd revision - I'm kinda liking the way it's coming along - Think I may even enter a contest with this revision - I think what was missing was a way to tie in the 1st stanza with the other stanzas - so I did a repetitive line

Anyway - let me know what you think about it!

Jacquii.
===================

Where Is The Joy?

Seven fields of golden-hewn wheat
graces the shoulder of this one dirt street
in Jackson, Tennessee. Seven sown fields
laden heavily whilst sitting heavenly
just above the rocky turmoil
of hell's unredeemed cotton. Those fields -

they yield
a various cacophony straight from the
daybed splendor of a soul-rich
soil. (Fields be damned.)

The labor and the toil
of harvests' birth is but blood of the dust:
unkempt and raggedy cells
holding the bones that were first
laid down to rest splendidly
like old Negro slaves
and their chil'ren of plantation daze;
all of 'em simply longing hard, working
for the zest of joy, of retribution, of restitution
and of life, whilst attentively serving foul folks;
the whole while their old Negro smiles
ironically frowned foully with strife.

They looked upon that ole o’ seer’s beaming face
and his beating-stick of ill-fated hate
with that same-old tired Negro smile, the one
full of knowing spiritual faith.

(Fields be damned!)

Could that ole "mista-massa sir"
have given a damn about any two Nigras
overcoming the slaving-fields day-after-day?
Those same Nigras
with bleeding hands that cultivated
the U.S. of A on death beds
splintered with broken hay -
Should "mista-massa sir" have cared?

Would he have known where is the joy,
where is the retribution,
the restitution,
the life?

Would he now tell for his safe-passage
through the fields of God? Would he?

Copyright © 2006 Jacquii Cooke

erikestabrook

lovely msJ,
much more eloquent now

PaintedDiary

Dear Ms Jacquii,

I to(too) am not an editor, however, I felt the editor's comments were (only in my opinion) not on point. Hell, I am still trying to expand my horizons in this craft! I felt the editor's comments took away from the message, from the meat of your original. I loved the original as well. I find this revision to be wonderfully executed, with the message in place. The poem is very vivid, passionate, expressive, and fluent. Tells the audience about your experienced "character" if you will as an individual, and as a master craftswoman in writing. Please do enter this in contests, and keep us informed. I marvel in your range, your execution, your articulation, and how you are able to make your audience "feel" the words painted. Bravo Ms Jacquii.

Painted

MsJacquiiC

Thanx YAWL for the comments - I too liked the original - but I'm really loving how this poem has "evolved" - It seems more poignant and less of a "rambling"

At anyrate - very nice commentary = Thanx

Jacquii.

nomadicrhymer

Ms. Jacquii!! I just came across this one. Such a powerful opening stanza:

Seven fields of golden-hewn wheat
graces the shoulder of this one dirt street
in Jackson, Tennessee. Seven sown fields
laden heavily whilst sitting heavenly
just above the rocky turmoil
of hell's unredeemed cotton. Those fields -

This stanza alone builds up the expectation, allows the reader to feel the heat and dust and the seemingly almost God-forsaken "dirt street"....open up the imagination to those working in those seven fields and their history, what they were thinking...with what great reluctance they toiled that land...Awesome opening!!!

A great tale is spun hereafter...and kept me riveted to the poem's grace (yes, grace...) even throughout the telling of this historical heartbreak, I could feel the grace. Maybe because at the end there seems to be the expectation that the perpetrator would actually get to enter into God's fields...?

Nomad

MsJacquiiC

Nice breakdown of the poem MS N - The last line of your comment comes dangerously close to what I was trying to evoke with this poem.

Interesting how the revision has become a sort of piece on its own right.
Different and expanded a bit from the original...

Thanx for taking the time to read and comment
Appreciates it!

Jacquii.