drofdar

"Karok! Help me!" a frightened female elf screamed across the field of glowing sweet corn. She was young for an elf, only eighty-five years old, and loved to be outside on beautiful summer mornings such as this. Her name was Mieta. She had bright purple hair that flowed past her shoulders and sparkled in the sun. She was about five and a half feet tall, remarkably bright, an excellent markswoman with her bow, and a rare jewel that every guy in the nearest town wanted.

"Where are you Sis?" yelled the now worried voice of Karok, her elder brother. It wasn't like her to cry for help like that, especially on such a nice day. He had just been relaxing in the sun, eating juicy monkberries, when his sister's voice pierced the peaceful silence.

He stood up and glanced around for a sign of her. He was just about an adult at ninety years old, stood a full six feet, had silvery-blue hair, eyes the color of a glowing sapphire, and two scars, one on each eye, which were put there by a golden dagger at birth. The dagger was then given him by his clan after his parents died. The scars glowed a deep velvet whenever he was near any humans. He was banished from his clan after his parents were killed in a mystical fire believed to be sent by the King of Hell himself, and now he and his sister lived in a old, rundown shack. The roof was made of mud, sticks, and a family of birds. Spider webs entangled every stick and dangled halfway down from the termite infested rafters. The windows had all been shattered by the hostile humans a year ago, and were now covered with bits of loincloth. The doors, which were made of sturdy oaken wood, were now fungus infested, and rotted throughout, along with the steps leading outside.

"Over here!" she cried desperately from the left. He quickly scanned the area and finally saw the rustling of corn that gave away his sister's position; not far behind was an even larger movement.
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This is mainly meant for patricia...ummm...anyone can tell me what they think, but i want to see what patricia can do with this...Thanks all and enjoy!!
If people like it enough i will put up all 10 pages of it...it's the current story i'm working on...again...enjoy!!!

Patricia_Lynn

I hope you don’t get mad at me but there is so much of this that is confusing. I understand it, but parts are out of place so in order for me to write it, I am going to have to change it around add and take out. What I am pasting is only one rough draft. I want you to go over it again. You are pretty good with words. It started out with 9 He/She in it now it has 2. Try to stay away from them He/She starts. I enjoyed reading this as much as I did working on it. Good job Ed

He had been relaxing in the sun, eating juicy monkberries, when a voice pierced the peaceful silence, "Karok! Help me!" A frightened female voice echoed across the fields of sparkling sweet corn.
It sounded just like Mieta, his sister; she was only eighty-five years old, a young age for an elf. No surprise she was outside on beautiful summer mornings such as this. Her hair was the brightest purple that flowed just past her shoulders, and glistened like a rare crystal in the sunshine.
She was about five and a half feet tall, remarkably bright and an exceptional markswoman with her bow. Every guy in the nearest town sought after her like she were a rare jewel.
Fearful for her life, it wasn't like her to cry out for help. Quickly, he stood and glanced around for a sign of her, yelling, "Where are you Sis?"
At ninety years old, he almost an adult and stood a full six feet. His hair was the color of silvery-blue and his eyes, the shade of a glowing sapphire. There were two scars, one on each eye, which were put there at birth by a golden dagger. The dagger had been given to him by his clan after his parent’s death. The scars glowed deep velvet whenever humans were near.
Karok recalled how he and his sister were banished from the clan after their parents were killed in a mystical fire. The fire was believed to be sent up by the King of Hell himself, forcing him and his sister live in an old, rundown shack.
The roof was made of mud, sticks, and a family of birds. Spider webs entangled every stick and dangled halfway down from the termite infested rafters.
The windows had all been shattered by the hostile humans a year ago, and were now covered with bits of loincloth. The doors, which were made of sturdy oaken wood, were now fungus infested, and rotted throughout, along with the steps leading outside.
"Over here!" a desperate cry came from the left. Swiftly, he scanned the surrounding area, and saw the rustling of corn that gave away his sister's position. The large movement just behind her gave him reason to fear for her life.

michael

Ed

I really enjoyed this. The character's seemed to come alive. I think that you would be great at movie writing. Maybe some sort of animation stuff.

Patricia

I thought that you were able to make this more concise. Without changing the story. I was thinking that maybe you could help me also with editing sometime.