HELP...Going to send this for a submission and checking to see if polished enough. - Poetry in Color Forum
 


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Short Stories This forum is for short stories. Post your original works of 300 words or less here.
Secrets

HELP...Going to send this for a submission and checking to see if polished enough.
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Old 04-14-2008, 05:02 PM
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Icon10 HELP...Going to send this for a submission and checking to see if polished enough.

This was posted here before, and I would love feedback if polished enough to send for a submission.


Secrets


Tactile echoes ripple secrets of an abominable past. Bloodstained whispers suffocate beyond hideous black breath. Muffled screams drip down walls of her cadaverous boudoir. The sound is deafening even to frolicsome beasts of the macabre. One hand extends to help you climb through mangled secrets marinated in blood. The other clenches a dripping hippocampus of an axed cranium, now only but a silent carcass.

She has been waiting in a brand new dress, of the prettiest light blue. A crimson enigma waits beyond the grisly door if you dare to open it. Reality will be hazed and will no longer exist. The sense known as the sixth awakens hallows of unfinished death. Only those born with a veil can see the hatched silhouettes in the silver moonlight, can hear the crackling of skull cavity split to precision, can see mouthful-sized pieces of brains splattered adding relief to the walls like a Van Gogh, can feel the viscous texture of a blackened atmosphere, can smell the noxious stench of fresh-baked decay, and can taste the vibrations of butchered screams bathed in bloody innocence. The children can still be seen playing jump rope as they sing:

They say Lizbeth took an axe
and gave her mother nineteen whacks
and when she saw what she had done,
she gave her father twelve minus one
Stepmother hated her new blue dress
She loved her father so he got less
Beware of 92 Second Street
She will chop you up when you sleep


Dr. Rob



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Old 04-14-2008, 05:53 PM
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Kim,
This is awesome mangled secrets marinated in blood, I am a horror fan and this rocks. Give me more. I only wish I had the discipline to write a horror story or novel. Instead I settle for a quick spooky poem. Check my new post Haunted, you might like it. Beautiful images and words.
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Old 04-14-2008, 06:45 PM
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Kim,
This is awesome mangled secrets marinated in blood, I am a horror fan and this rocks. Give me more. I only wish I had the discipline to write a horror story or novel. Instead I settle for a quick spooky poem. Check my new post Haunted, you might like it. Beautiful images and words.
Eric
Hey Eric ,

You are too kind. Thank you for your support and for taking time to read and to comment Eric! A quick spooky poem is just fine for me too! I will be happy to read "Haunted"...sounds delicious! lolol

Kim



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Old 04-14-2008, 08:29 PM
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Hey!

Love it! I'm not much for guts or gore after having watched the original Chainsaw Massacre in a drive-in, lol but thought it was quite descriptive, lol.

The one thing which gave me pause was ...mouthful-sized pieces... had to think on that one a while but then decided it was probably ok. Since you're the teacher I'm assuming you would know that or not, lol.

Anyway, having said the above, gotta say this is very good and nearer to publishing than anything I have, lol.

Good luck, Sis!
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Old 04-14-2008, 09:38 PM
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Thanks for taking time to read and comment Gail! That's what is sooooo awesome about writing is that everyone has a preferred genre. What is interesting about myself is that, my poems can be any topic, however my stories are of the dark variety.

I wrote "mouthful-sized" to add effect...do you think I should rework those words or use different words altogether?

Let me know... Sis!

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Old 04-14-2008, 10:40 PM
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Try reading them out loud or have someone read it for you. If it still sounds ok to you, I'd go with it!

hugs,
Gail
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Old 04-14-2008, 11:57 PM
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Originally Posted by butchiesmom View Post
Try reading them out loud or have someone read it for you. If it still sounds ok to you, I'd go with it!

hugs,
Gail
Yes I have read it aloud..but did not ask anyone to read it aloud to me.....great idea and thank you! I will do just that!

Kim



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Last edited by PaintedDiary; 04-14-2008 at 11:57 PM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost
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