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Spoken Word & Freestyle Poems meant for poetry slams and other spoken word venues, as well as freestyle & experimental forms of poetry should be placed here.

Defeated~
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Old 07-12-2008, 10:39 PM
  post #1
Moon Goddess of Whispers

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Defeated~

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~DEFEATED~

In the end there is only
you. Everything I breathed
my first breath for ends
with you,

and I am defeated.

The golden youth, the gray
between, the black midlife
of my time on earth begins and
ends with you. Time disintegrates
between my fingers and I slip beyond
the boundaries of earth's edges
evolving back to dust,

and I am defeated.

The vines, the roots, the weeds
tell my secrets to the earth and
there is only you, my love, to fill the
void of nothingness as on you kiss
the air to carillons of where everything
you breathed your first breath for is born
with the breath of victory,

and I am defeated.

In the end there is only you, your glance,
your smile, your words I once built my
dreams upon to follow me to where
nothing has my name engraved in its
book of eternity,

and I am defeated.

In the end there is only you, in the laughter
of my human days, in the sunshine of my
memory, there where we live out each
dream I dreamed for you and I before the
power of truth took you away.

In the end there is only you.
You there, me here,

and I am defeated.

© 2003 Karen Davies



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Old 07-14-2008, 12:15 AM
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Biography: I'm just a guy, HAPPILY married ten years (thank you--throw money, not flowers) with three kids tryin' to get by on a wage that stays the same in a world where prices simply don't. (You know the story). I love the out-of-doors, and in-of-books. I am a wordsnob and a vocabulary geek; I have a very off-kilter sense of humor based mostly in liguistics and the appreciation of the non-sequiter.
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Karen:

Wow! What a graphic! I really liked this piece. I thought it was going to be sort of sappy, but the repetition of "I am defeated" held that feeling at bay, and made me want to read more and more. The tragedy of the separation is felt strongly at the end. Good work.

I will offer one suggestion (though it is a big one): I might consider removing the third stanza. It makes the poem run lng, visually, as well as contextually, and really does not further the "story." --Just my own opinion.

Fine writing, Karen.

--Jeff Meyer
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Old 07-14-2008, 04:52 PM
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No, I'm not taking that out...sorry but that's a big part of the poem.
Sorry you didn't like that part but It's not going anywhere.
Besides this poem was award like 7 times as is.
Glad ya liked it overall though Jeff...thanks for the read!



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Old 07-14-2008, 05:00 PM
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Biography: I'm just a guy, HAPPILY married ten years (thank you--throw money, not flowers) with three kids tryin' to get by on a wage that stays the same in a world where prices simply don't. (You know the story). I love the out-of-doors, and in-of-books. I am a wordsnob and a vocabulary geek; I have a very off-kilter sense of humor based mostly in liguistics and the appreciation of the non-sequiter.
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Well, congratulations! That demonstrates nicely how one man's opinion is just that: one man's opinion, not everyone's. I'm glad to hear of the success of your poem! I look forward to commenting on others soon. (I was going to comment on another one last night, but wanted to offer responses to some other authors, too.) So, I'll "see" you soon!

--Jeff Meyer
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Old 07-14-2008, 05:36 PM
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Moon Goddess of Whispers

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but Jeff, don't ever think your opinion doesn't count



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Old 07-18-2008, 01:38 AM
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Wow, this is a great poem of yours, Moonchild! This poem reminds me of when you're in love with that special someone and all you want to do is be with them... and your dreams and where they just would be a part of who you were and what you dreamed of. And, dreaming of being with them, and the "I am defeated" I could relate with when that relationship fails... suddenly you were just defeated. Or, at least, this is what I took with reading your poem.

This poem just seems to embrace that all-consuming love right from the beginning to the end. I can see why this received awards too, I like the format of it and just overall it is a well-written write. I've been buying more poetry books to see what is "publishing" quality and yours is definitely very nice and well-done (I actually bought a new book of poems today too). Your imagery is strong, your rhythm is consistent throughout your poem and one line flows to the next. Plus, the subject is interesting as well.

Anywho, I always look forward to your work so thank you for sharing this and keep on writing away! Keep on writing and I'll keep on reading.



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Old 07-18-2008, 09:31 AM
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Moon Goddess of Whispers

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Thank you so much Sarah.
What you got from it is exactly what I was trying to say.
That is what I meant and you picked up on that well.
I am glad you liked it and I will definitely write away.
Thank you hon*hugs*



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