Jims Inn

I go through the motions of being alive
no not living for there is no life or
light at the end of this tunnel.
home alone in my room sitting … staring
at flickering meaningless scenes hearing
without listening … speaking without saying.

Others complain saying: "pull yourself together
and for gods sake go and see your doctor",
so I nod my head … smiling to please them
and they leave thinking they've helped me
to "get my head together", leaving me alone
to think of many ways to get my head apart.

Loneliness leads me to the solution and the way
out of it all … hosepipe … windows shut … mind
shut … pills swallowed … turn the key …scent of
death and a door opens that should have been locked
dragged into fresh air and to the doctors rooms and
psychiatric faces and hopefully endless oblivion.

Sweet women in white … stern men with beards
"carbon monoxide count sixteen is bad cos
twenty's usually fatal you know so it could be
at least three or four weeks at least and why
didn't you call us jim and warn us jim cos
you know we could have helped … we tried".

Medicate … tranquilize and close your eyes
red white and blues for breakfast lunch supper,
"wanna talk about it now … wanna say why?
group therapy is good and the only way to go
you know … they've all been there and back
and no we can't just let you die you know."

Psychi … psychol … psycho beings asking about
sex and drawings … talk … interpret and more
pills so you can function but how do I when
all I do is sleep … sleep …sleep and wish
I would never wake up again ever in this world
in this meaningless useless fucking world?

nomadicrhymer

Hi Jims Inn...a very depressing piece here...and it takes you through the thought processes in a very detailed manner...I like that, although I don't like the subject (lol! even though I write about it myself) I guess because it somehow encroaches a feeling of failure upon us, and others, who either didn't see clearly enough, or didn't really want to be bothered, or didn't know things were "that bad" the it would end this way.

There is a real feeling of hopelessness to the poem since apparently many are trying, but just not hitting the right button? No will to live is present, or no reason I should say...

very well written overall and a good "story"...and I hope that's all it is...I feel that there is a reason we are on earth, and sometimes maybe being less selfish with our own mishaps and actually seeking to learn what that is may give us a purpose (I know a lot of people feel that's a load of crap...LOL!) but that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Nomad

Jims Inn

hi nomad ... only a person who suffers from depression understands ... i say suffers as opposed to suffered because i believe that just as an alcoholic is one drink away from being drunk their whole life ... a person suffering from depression is one bad day away from being depressed ... the poem is true ... every line ...

fortunately i no longer wish to end my life ... instead i take one day at a time and never ever waste my energy worrying about things over which i have no control ... like tomorrow or next week or next month or next year

thanx for understanding and

luv ya!

nomadicrhymer

Hi Jim...no wonder it was so excellently expressed...and I am very glad to hear that you are having better days now...one day at a time, I feel, is the only way to go...otherwise it encourages us to wallow in self-pity (I am not immune myself if I think too far ahead!) about "what WILL we do"! if so and so happens, or if this doesn't happen...etc. I really try not to worry about how the kids will go to college, or how I will pay for birthday parties, or sometimes I used to freak out about how I would pay for groceries...although I could always find something to scrape together out of the cupboard...I try now to embrace the Word where it says "neither worry about what you will put into your belly or what you will put on your back"....I think WORRY itself is a disease and an addiction and a hard one to break.

Thanks for the poem!

Nomad

Mysty

Hey Jim..... anytime you need to talk..... shout at me hmm I have been there too... so many times I have lost count. I am happy now. Happy with me .... because that is ultimately who I am responsible for..... just me. This doesn't mean I can't help friends or family. I do frequently. I would like you to consider me a friend. Ok?



Mysty

JolieH

Hey, sign me up for that friends list. Sometimes life gets pretty tough for me too. I try to fight off depression, but some days I feel like I'm trying to climb out of a greased bowl, and everyone acts like it should be simple. They could walk right out- no problem. But, they aren't single with kids - no fathers around to help at all. My mother is gone, and my father lives in another state. They had some great job handed to them, so they and think life works like that for everyone. I think, if they had my shoes on, they would suicide, or they would be complaining and crying all the time. I have hope and plans for a better future, but things are on hold in my life.

missc

damn! That was different and wierd for me. It was like a lifetime movie. I know it is real and I hope you don't get offended but it is as well written as a movie. it took me through your struggle. To be honest, I feel like no one really understand my struggle either. Your thoughts are not different, in fact there ever so common to almost every human being. But, your coping and thought process is different to me. Extremely interesting to me. I think we all have those "fuck this shit" days! Alot of times I think to myself, "heaven will be so much better. I am so glad I am saved and know that I am destined to go to a better place with no worries, sadness, disappointment, lonliness, every emotion human beings hate to feel. I only differ from you because everytime I begin to swim in the pool of despair, lonliness, hopelessness, or pity, and start to drown, GOD is my lifeguard and once he see that I am drowning he takes out of the water, resuscitate me, and life goes on with renewed love, appreciation, and new found hope. Sorry to get religious but it is the truth. I don't care if people judge me. I am not perfect and I curse and guess what I am still going to heaven and God still loves me. I am his child. And so are you. We are sister and brother. Try religion, believing in a higher power, it works! Holla at me (or in less urbane words PM me anytime).

Jims Inn

yo missc ... how can i ever be offended when you write such a beautiful critique? if your God and your religion is your thing ... then you go girl ... its your democratic right as a member of the human race ... what do they say "different strokes for different folks" ...

i am not a religious person but i will defend your right to be religious and luv your God to the death ... well not quite to the death but i'll cheer you on ...

luv ya!

jim

PaintedDiary