Moonchild

JolieH

I haven’t read much of your dark poetry. I like this one, the images particularly draw me in, The colors of darkness flow here, and the images portrait a not so dark person sucked into dark space, dark areas of the mind. The details show your ability to perform well in all areas poetry.

Moonchild

Thank you so much Jolie.
I was wondering if anyone was going to comment this one
so I really appreciate it*hugs*
I am glad you liked the darker side of this one cause
life does have a dark side too and I do like to
write about it often. Thank you

SarahNSH

Hello Moonchild!

Well, as you know I really do like your work and all of your poems that I've come across and read. I enjoy this new perspective and how this is a darker poem than what I've read before. Everyone has different sides to themselves and seeing this darker side is definitely a new perspective with the usual tone of your work and I do really enjoy this. I like how you began your poem:

Could it be the sky fell
on me and knocked
me to the center of the core?

Oh, yes, I've felt this happen to me before and I've had those days where it just feels like I've been knocked to the center of my core. So, I could really relate to this first stanza and thought that this was a good way to start your poem.

The sky swallowed the earth
yestereon and spit out the core
only to roll over releasing its bile
into the hearts of man until man's
heart's became the burning core itself.-

Because of the repeating of man and hearts I'd suggest rewording the part highlighted so that it can be more effective. Here's a suggestions that is completely up to you whether you want to use it or not. So, here are my two suggestions for rewording:

The sky swallowed the earth
yestereon and spit out the core
only to roll over releasing its bile
into the hearts of man, this
becomes the burning core itself.

OR

The sky swallowed the earth
yestereon and spit out the core
only to roll over releasing its bile
into the hearts of man, becoming
the burning core itself.

Also, with the ending right here I do have an idea for a suggestion on how to reword it that I feel would end it even stronger. But, of course, keep in mind this is just my opinion:

Could it even be possible
with the very last
tear my eye could produce?

Would be reworded to this:

Could it even be possible
this will be the very last
tear my eye could produce?

Anywho, I only had those two suggestions with reading your poem and I really did enjoy this and how this was a darker look on things. Your imagery was great, as you usually have very strong and memorable imagery, and I'm glad you shared this poem! I hope you find this review helpful and keep on writing away!

Moonchild

Thank you Sarah and yes I did find the first review helpful
and think I will change it to what you said but the second I think
I will keep the end the way I have it because it makes more sense with
the rest of the poem. It makes more sense with what I am trying to say. I appreciate your time with my poem and all the comments you've been giving me, they are encouraging for future writes. Thanks hon*hugs*

stardust

Wooowww, Moonchild!! I love the title, and the presentation you have chosen. It just caught my eyes...
I love your poetry, Ms. Karen. I know for sure, when I find your name, it is a guarantee to read an awesome poem, either a happy one or a sad one. As you have already said, life has the light side and the dark side, like everything else in mother nature. Coins also have 2 sides. Days also have 2 sides, daylight and night time. Well, I just love your poem!! Thank you for sharing your poetic talents with us, Karen!!
(((Hugs))) Cordially, Starry.

Moonchild

Well thanks a bunch Starry.
So glad you agree and like my poem
Yes everything has two sides.
I appreciate your visit and reply of encouragement,
means a lot, thank you hon

butchiesmom

I've read your poem with opened eyes. Reading Sarah's commentary on it helped. I think this brain's been overworked for far too long.

Could it be the sky fell
on me and knocked
me to the center of the core?

The earth plucked my
roots of birth right
from under my feet?

My days are black blood dripping
from the sickle of death
plunged halfway into my
side just enough to keep me alive.

Could it be the Heaven's
dropped an angel from its
heights,