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Discussion in 'Spoken Word & Freestyle' started by Benny, Nov 18, 2006.



    Benny New Member

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    She follows her long shadow
    from one task to the next,
    room to empty room,
    memory to tear.

    Careful not to show sorrow
    she laughs as she cries,
    marveling at the bitter
    draped across her heart.

    Sacred secrets weigh heavily
    as they pull her deeper
    to known places
    she so fears.

    Always smiling at me now,
    insistant all is well;
    I watch her drown slowly
    within her could-haves...


    Posted By Benny | Nov 18, 2006
    #1

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    not sure how i'd help with this one,
    someone could help this poem I'm sure it was good,
    but left the reader me in this case with something missing

    Altree94 VIP Member

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    Wow Benny, this was an awesome write! Sure hope it's not a true story though. Sacred secrets can eat the heart right out of a person - male or female. I don't see what you think you need help with - it's great, just as it is! I like how it leaves something up to the reader's imagination. Over-explaining can really take away from a good poem.


    Posted By Altree94 | Nov 27, 2006
    #3
  1. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    WOW Benny .....
    Are You peeking inside my head perhaps? AWESOME write ... I don't think I would fix a thing except in first stanza to place the word "from" on it's own line ... then the other three in succession and make it "memories to tears". Because there is never just one memory or one tear. Even the tears inside. I know.
    Wonderful write Benny :)

    ~Mysty~


    Posted By Mysty | Nov 29, 2006
    #4

    Altree94 VIP Member

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    Hi again benny! I agree with Mysty that it IS an awesome write, but I think pluralizing memory and tear would throw it off balance because that whole stanza is written in the singular.


    Posted By Altree94 | Nov 30, 2006
    #5

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