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    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


    Melismatic New Member

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    My friend, my lover
    My man, my heart
    Because I need you

    My love, my heart
    My soul, my life
    Because I need you

    My tears, my life
    My fears, my mind
    Because I need you

    Lost, losing
    Going, broken
    Because I needed you

    Soured, broken,
    Empty, faded
    Because I needed you

    Shed, faded
    Exposed, crazy
    Because I needed you


    **your thoughts, comments, suggestions are appreciated**


    Posted By Melismatic | Aug 23, 2006
    #1

    Amzy A friend, Well met.

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    Love it! Love the simplicity, love the repetition, love the changing present to past tense. Each stanza a different stage in the relationship. It's sort of sad to wind up broken, but then, failed love is sad. Excellent job.


    Posted By Amzy | Aug 23, 2006
    #2
  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Melismatic,

    First I would like to say welcome, and boy did you come on board with a BANG!! I LOVED THIS!! I agree with everything poet Amzy said in the prior comment. The Poetic Meter is clean, simple, and quite lovely. The spacing adds to the imagery of this "Evolution", if you will, of a relationship, unfolding within each stanza. The changing of tense adds to the "Emphaticalness" !!! As a teacher, I am going to say, that this poem is a powerful example of {LESS IS MORE!!!}----> I look forward to reading more! Great Poem, just Great!!

    Painted Diary aka Kimberly

    Melismatic New Member

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    Thank you both for your encouragement and kind words! I really was going for a simplistic writing of the deep emotions b/c as you said Kimberly, less can be more. :)


    Posted By Melismatic | Aug 24, 2006
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  2. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Hey MELISMATIC - very unique piece of writing actually - I like how you in essense speak on needing someone so very badly that it kinda breaks you... The way you went from "because I need you..." to "because I needED you"

    The simplicity of the repetition definitely works in this piece - Kinda like your evocatively saying "Of course it's THIS simple... - There is no other reason!"

    Question and/or suggestion though - It would be neat to know what makes the distinction of need vs. needed don't you think? Possibly at the midpoint you could give the reader a little bit of background about what's really going on and why these feelings are so strong as to demand such repetition.

    Anyway - I guess what all that means is - I'd sure love to know what inspired the Soured, broken, Empty & faded emotions you talk about.

    Interesting read - no doubt - Thanx for sharing it!

    Jacquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Aug 25, 2006
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    Melismatic New Member

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    "Question and/or suggestion though - It would be neat to know what makes
    the distinction of need vs. needed don't you think? Possibly at the
    midpoint you could give the reader a little bit of background about
    what's really going on and why these feelings are so strong as to demand
    such repetition.

    Anyway - I guess what all that means is - I'd sure love to know what
    inspired the Soured, broken, Empty & faded emotions you talk about."

    the original work didn't include any explanatory stanzas just to keep the flow of the poem continuous

    to answer your question about what inspired the soured broken, empty and faded emotions, it was the point in this relationship/friendship where thoughts of this person had turned sour, my heart felt broken my mind was empty of thoughts of them and the emotions I used to feel had faded to distant memories - each word in each stanza related to a deep emotion I was feeling when, at first, I felt "I need this person in my life."

    But as I began to see the real by removing the rose-colored glasses and accepting what was actually being presented to me, I realized that I thought I NEEDED this person, but actually didn't. And as true as it was, it was still a very disillusioning experience but b/c it was so profound in my life, I wanted to keep it kind of short and sweet rather than put myself through the anguish of not only feeling the emotions but experiencing them again through my writing.

    This method/style allowed me to get out my pain in a very succint manner without many effusive painful words.


    Posted By Melismatic | Aug 26, 2006
    #6

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