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Discussion in 'Creative Traditional' started by JolieH, Feb 17, 2008.



    JolieH JPiC Contributor

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    Bridge

    I found myself before a bridge
    a hand cupped over my eyes
    squinting to block the sun.

    The centuries divided
    a challenge to survive.
    I had to make a decision,

    a structure built on trestles
    whose doctrine’s glare
    might judge me blind,

    or a ships deck on which
    a captain steers, a wounded ship
    cross stormy sea.

    Captain, O Captain, I waved.
    It’s Time.
    I can’t wait any longer.


    Posted By JolieH | Feb 17, 2008
    #1

    Mohammad Ilyas New Member

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    Respected Miss!
    May you be able to make stronger links. Kindly and nicely write.

    JolieH JPiC Contributor

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    Thank You Mohammad,
    I've revised this poem some. Here's the new version.

    Bridge


    I stand before a bridge
    a hand over one eye
    to shade the sun.
    ~
    The centuries divide
    a challenge to survive.
    a decision to make,
    ~
    a structure built on trestles
    whose doctrine's glare
    might course me blind,
    ~
    or a deck on which
    a captain steers, a wounded ship
    cross stormy sea.
    ~
    Captain, O Captain,
    I wave
    It's time.


    Posted By JolieH | Feb 20, 2008
    #3

    Mohammad Ilyas New Member

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    Thankyou Miss, again well, hopeful, energatic.

    Bear JPiC Contributor

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    Jolie

    Beautifully penned with a stormy image and the choices we make at those times. excellent write Jolie
    hugs kisses
    bear


    Posted By Bear | Feb 20, 2008
    #5

    LynnEllen Minstrel

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    I liked the thoughtfulness of the first draft, but I really admire the craft put into the revision. I feel it is a much stronger use of word choices and shades of meaning. Very well done!


    Posted By LynnEllen | Feb 21, 2008
    #6

    Terence Member

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    Excellent write Jolie. The revisions make it clearer and stronger. It is certainly a big ship to captain and navigate between the reefs.

    Terence


    Posted By Terence | Feb 24, 2008
    #7

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