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    zaac Banned

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    I whisper to the trees
    to pass my word to the wind.
    Carry this message to my love
    upon your currents high aloft.

    My cries to the night sky;
    to the moon who has been my only friend,
    were for my heart, yet empty;
    empty as my arms without her heart to hold.

    The chorus of the night woods
    cannot hide the sound of her voice within my heart;
    the voice I hold like fire,
    azure cool amid searing white.

    Gracious wind, do not wander, do not tarry;
    for the song I sing to the solstice moon
    rues the loneliness that tries to wrest my spirit
    from the vessel of my soul.

    There is no celebration, no autumn dance
    without her touch, light as hummingbird's wings.
    There is no grace or mercy for this restless heart;
    no joy without the star that fell into my world,
    now brightly lit with a brilliance all her own.

    Oh, mighty wind, take my song of longing,
    my lyric of endless tears;
    take them to my love.
    'Neath eagle's wings may your currents rush
    the essence of my calling.

    Let his cry carry from this forest deep,
    in a voice that howls its misery,
    speaking in words nocturnal;
    words only she and the moon can understand.

    Speak peace to me from my lover's heart.
    Speak peace to the tears that bleed my soul.
    Pass swiftly upon wings in starlight soaring,
    that her lips' utterance might soothe
    my pacing to and fro.

    Return to me oh, rushing wind;
    quickly, quickly now,
    so that my soul would find its solace,
    if only for a moment.

    Let not my call fall upon her form
    in dreamless sleep, deaf against my song.
    'Tween sheets of silk, ten thousand thread,
    flow cool upon her breast.

    Dry the trails of wistful haunting tears
    with the moment of which I dream;
    when your breath carries my fingers through her hair
    the way you rustle through the
    leaves.
    [/COLOR]


    Posted By zaac | Sep 9, 2007
    #1

    Jer4clarity Lover of Meanings

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    Zaac,

    I think that this is the first I have read of your work. This is stellar my friend. there is a melody that plays in the background as I read each stanza and verse and word. you have created quite a masterpiece. aaaawwwwwww but isn't that what love can do to you.

    Jerry


    Posted By Jer4clarity | Sep 9, 2007
    #2

    zaac Banned

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    thanks jer...you're alright...dont care what PD says about you lololololol.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Sep 9, 2007
    #3
  1. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    zaac this is a spectacular song of love, and longing for your love...from the first line I was captured...not sure if it's lyrics or not...you didn't say...but the words are stupendous!! If your love doesn't answer this cry... send it my way! (ducking whatever PD throws at me!) FABULOUS WRITE :yay:

    Nomad
  2. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Zaac,

    Trying to find a favorite line or stanza was extremely difficult. This was a beautiful song of love, longing, and strength. I love the metaphor of the wolf to depict the relationship, the emotion, and etc. To be honest, this is truly a masterpiece, and one of your best writings that I have ever read. I feel of this the way you feel about "Beautiful Train." The love described here is unbreakable and similar to wolves who for the most part mate for life. There are many many layers to this piece, and many stages. Additionally, it is funny you title this poem as so because my Great Grandmother used to make us be quiet as she "talked to the wind" as she used to say. I understood exactly what she meant. The wind really is an instrument. I am sure the wind brought back an answer to your love song, and how she must be the luckiest woman on Earth. Loved this immensely. An excellent rating. :angel: Thank you for also saying for "Halila"

    {{{~~~***PD***~~~}}} :)

    JolieH JPiC Contributor

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    Zaac,
    You are quite the lamenting lover. This poem just begs for the missing lover to hear its plea. The images are lovely, I especially like the thought of hummingbird wings so fragil like a heart in love.


    Posted By JolieH | Sep 15, 2007
    #6

    zaac Banned

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    thank you very much for your comments. I don't know where this one came from. I just sat down at my laptop and started typing with no ideas or anything. i really like this as one of my own favorites because i surprised myself.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Sep 15, 2007
    #7
  3. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    WOW Zaac I could totally agree with everyone ...... this needs a tune with it... My god it is a Masterpiece... The best I have seen from you so far.. and that is not to say your other work is not really good because it is..... but this one ....... WOW.. if your other work is the cream then this is the butter hon. Beautiful..... don't change anything ...... perfection should not be messed with.

    *hugs*
    Mysty


    Posted By Mysty | Sep 16, 2007
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    zaac Banned

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    this is really odd that i say this, but i've never written a piece that someone said could be a song that I didnt or couldnt hear one. thats really weird. What is even more weird is that I have no idea how I would begin to weave this with music. I'll have to look at it from a musical perspective, cuz it's kind of stand alone to me......very very interesting. I love a challenge. When I ran and still run the words through my head it just comes out as poetry with a cool vibe and a sensual flow, but i didnt hear it as music...but as a poem.

    thanks for saying something, cuz now i have to sit down and run through some chords and rhythms. I think it's a little bit too formal in choice of words to be lyrical, but hey, there's always a first time.

    thanks guys

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Sep 16, 2007
    #9
  4. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    If anyone could do it Zaac then I think you could...


    Posted By Mysty | Sep 16, 2007
    #10

    zaac Banned

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    thank you once again.

    mysty, you actually made me misty sayin that. that was so very sweet. PD, could you elaborate on layers and stages? I'm not sure what you mean, but I know that when you say stuff like that, you always show me something I would have never seen on my own.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Sep 16, 2007
    #11
  5. Digging it

    JONATHAN living not existing.

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    HEY BRO ...
    I dont think its justified for me to pick these lines out of this poem but these specific lines .. wot do i say .. indiscribeable .. wouldnt wont to admit to being lovelorn coz im not but this poem was like wind on dying out embers ... yu take love and paint it for the beauty that it is and pain yu clothe in glory as suited to her ladyship .
    pushed and pulled into this whirlpool of emotions that yu call "Call Upon the Wind "

    hats of to yu sir
    Chester


    Posted By JONATHAN | Sep 23, 2007
    #12

    zaac Banned

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    ok, so i go to this other poetry site that i didnt like much in the first place to see if it passed muster with those who are supposed to be the "best"

    Please read this poem again, and then read this poem gurus rendition. I'm posting the whole thing so bear with me. Is it me or are they extremely anal and have no clue?

    zaac

    Honestly, I chop this down, a lot! There is so much repetition about the want of the message to be sent and one to be received that it reads like an exercise in saying the same thing in different ways. I good thing if it's just an exercise, not so for the Firebox.

    If you want to follow the message along from its origin through to other relevent place-settings to her bed, then by all means. But give each stanza a new purpose, don't rehash the old. And watch the modifiers, they tend to slow down the pace and lose the reader/listener's focus. Use sharp juxtaposition to add colour, not colour to juxtapositions...if that makes sense.

    Quote:
    I whisper to trees to pass my word
    to the wind. Carry this message to my love
    on your currents high.

    My cries to the night sky and to the moon
    who have been my only friends---
    were for my empty heart, empty
    as my arms without her heart to hold.

    The chorus of the night woods
    cannot hide the sound of her voice;
    the voice I hold like fire,
    searing white amidst azure cool. ----okay, techincally, one doesn't hold fire. The fire consumes them; that said, if this were poetry and not song I would knock out the fire altogether and make it "searing white" and trust your reader will make the symbolic jump. Like so...

    The chorus of the dreamy woods
    cannot hide the sound of her voice;
    searing white admist night's cool.

    I moved night down into cool...nevermind my handle, lose 'azure', besides it can't be azure in 'night woods'. Consider 'dreamy' as just a marker for whatever modifier would work for you.

    Tell her gracious wind... do not wander, do not
    tarry; this song to the solstice moon
    tells of the loneliness that tries to wrest
    my spirit from its vessel.

    There is no celebration, no autumn dance
    without her touch---a hummingbird's wing. ---go singular here, not plural to condense down the image.
    There is no grace or mercy for this restless heart:
    no joy without the star that fell into my world, ---this part is confusing for me, shouldn't it be 'fell out of my world', since she is gone? I'd opt to remove the rest of this after hummingbird's wing.
    now brightly lit with a brilliance all her own.

    Let his cry carry from this forest deep,
    in a voice that howls its misery,
    speaking in words nocturnal;
    words only she and the moon can understand. ---this part reads like the voice of wind and not the speaker who is longing for the return of his love; it should be italicized; however, I'm not sure you need this, but keep 'nocturnal words' that's good.

    Let not my call fall upon her form---too much with the negative, be more assertive and succinct.
    in dreamless sleep, deaf against my song.---deaf against my song is not set up properly. Deaf refers to the lover, not the call.
    'Tween sheets of silk, ten thousand thread,
    flow cool upon her breast.

    Dry the trails of wistful tears
    with the moment of which I dream;
    when your breath carries my fingers through her hair,
    the way you rustle through the leaves. ---I like this last stanza/verse the best. Again watch the modifiers.




    Try this...(basically your words cut down and re-lined)...


    I whisper to trees to pass my word
    to the wind. Carry this message to my love
    on your currents high. My cries

    to the night sky and to the moon---
    who have been my only friends---
    were from my empty heart, empty
    as my arms without her here to hold.

    The chorus of the dreamy woods
    cannot hide the sound of her voice:
    searing white admist night's cool.

    Tell her gracious wind... do not wander, do not
    tarry; this song to the solstice moon
    tells the loneliness that tries to wrest
    my spirit from its vessel. There is no celebration,

    no autumn dance without her
    touch---a hummingbird's wing. Let my call
    wake her from her dreamless sleep,

    no longer deaf against my nocturnal
    words. 'Tween silken sheets, ten thousand thread,
    let me flow cool upon her breast.

    Dry the trails of wistful tears
    when I dream, when your breath carries
    my fingers through her hair;
    the way you rustle through leaves.


    ...but more musical than this.

    In the end, plug in the clippers and go to town. Get down to the heart of this song's matter and write about that. The song of unrequited and/or distant love will come through clearly.


    Posted By zaac | Jan 22, 2008
    #13

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