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Discussion in 'Spoken Word & Freestyle' started by Wind, Nov 16, 2012.



  1. Confused

    Wind WindXSaul

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    Confused

    If there were thing's I couldn't understand,you was one of them.
    Going back and forth with one another,like the wind and does in the howls
    of winter.You'd follow me to escape your own reality,only not knowing your shattering mine.You tell me to be me there was a time when I was me and you couldn't stand it like it was looking into the eye's of a demon.How should I respond? Running away only brings more then I can offer.
    Now I'm drifting and everything left me,I'll suffer the venom of past and the reoccurring pains.
    From the tell's of literature to the mounts of the great wars have I been able to tell just from their looks what they thought that very moment but as I look into your eye's does it not only confuse me it refuses to tell me the truth,why am I looking into my own eyes?
    Let me touch your face.Let me look into your eye's.Let me see the truth which is clouded and locked away.Let me see your feelings fall from your eye's.
    Burned. Chain. Shackled. Scared. Tortured. Entangled with lies.and yet harbors no hate toward anyone then yourself.How much do you loathe yourself? To the point your a sacrificial offering of your own whim's?
    As I search for the truth,I see the many heartbreaks and the lies been told to help but nothing prevails. Yet you look at me looking for the same thing.
    We're both confused? We're both in agony? We're the same?
    This isn't right.This is a lie.I don't wish to see anymore.
    I won't lose to this,nor bow down and be your toy.Yet when I'm close to you,it never cold.
    Hold my hand as I fight with myself. Never mind hold me closer until neither of us is cold.Don't lie to me with those pleading eye's,that are like dark's as coal and beautiful as an onyx.
    Let's be ourselves.Let's shut ourselves away from this world.Let's search for our own truth.But if there only fear in your mouth,then there's lies.I shall grab your heart and I will hold it like it was the last gem on earth.So scream,hate,and be gently.
    I'm confused.Your confused.I will listen,if you will talk.
    Have you ever heard these words before? I never have but I will say them to you,you who has the same pleading eye's as me.When we're so much alike yet so different to the point it confusing.
    • Bad Grammar Bad Grammar x 1


    Posted By Wind | Nov 16, 2012
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  2. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Hi Wind .... I took some liberty here with some editing. After a comma you should always leave a space. Try to break up the lines a bit. It Helps to show how a mind follows trains of thought. This is a beautiful piece if it was from one best friend to another. I hope you do not mind the liberties I took in the small changes as it helps the words and thoughts flow easier. You can use or lose my suggestions here. I just wanted to show you how it could be. If you need help with pieces just message and I or any other moderator could help you. You have some really wonderful lines here in this poem. It reminds me of times my Best friend and I have fought over the silliest things and then made up. We are both so much alike my best friend and I. Anyways..... again I hope you do not hate the liberties I took. Thanks for sharing :)

    Mysty

    If there were thing's I couldn't understand, you were one of them.
    Going back and forth with one another, like the wind does in the howls of winter.
    You'd follow me to escape your own reality, only not knowing you were shattering mine.
    You tell me to be me there was a time when I was me and you couldn't stand me like you were looking into the eye's of a demon.
    How should I respond? Running away only leaves more questions than any answers I can offer.
    Now I'm drifting and everything has left me, I'll continue to suffer the venom of past and reoccurring pains.
    From the tell's of literature to the pictures of the great wars have I been able to tell just from their looks what they thought that very moment but as I look into your eye's it not only confuses me and refuses to tell me the truth, why I'm looking into my own eyes?

    Let me touch your face. Let me look into your eye's.
    Let me see the truth which is clouded and locked away. Let me see your feelings shine out of your eye's.Burned, Chained, Shackled, Scared, and Tortured. Entangled with lies! And yet I harbor no more hate towards anyone than yourself. How much do you loathe yourself? To the point your a sacrificial offering of your own whim's?
    As I search for the truth, I see the many heartbreaks and the lies that have been told to help but nothing prevails.
    Yet you look at me looking for the same thing.
    We're both confused? We're both in agony? We're the same?

    This isn't right. This is a lie. I don't wish to see anymore.
    I won't lose this, nor bow down and be your toy. Yet when I'm close to you, it's never cold.
    Hold my hand as I fight with myself. Never mind and hold me closer until neither of us is cold.
    Don't lie to me with those pleading eye's, that are dark as coal and beautiful as onyx.
    Let's be ourselves. Let's shut ourselves away from this world. Let's search for our own truth.
    But if there only fear in your mouth, then there's lies.

    I shall grab your heart and I will hold it like it was the last gem on earth.
    So scream, hate, and be gentled.
    I'm confused. Your confused. I will listen if you will talk.
    Have you ever heard these words before?
    I never have but I will say them to you, you who has the same pleading eye's as me.
    When we're so much alike yet so different to the point it's confusing.
    • Informative Informative x 1


    Posted By Mysty | Nov 26, 2012
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  3. Confused

    Wind WindXSaul

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    Thank you.But the reason I don't add marks like theses "!" is because while I'm writing I think of a demanding way of writing like with every sentence there some source of demand and there no need to exclaim.But thank you for the suggestion.I have never though of exclaiming since i first started writing.And the point of this poem....was to hurt someones feeling ^^ which I did perfectly


    Posted By Wind | Nov 26, 2012
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  4. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Wind - I think you underestimate the validity of these suggestions that butchiesmom, Mysty and I have given you since you've joined the forum. Your poetry, although conceptually nice, have notoriously been laced with a slew of misspellings, grammatical & syntax errors, and punctuation issues -- which for me makes it diffult to read and enjoy your writing.

    I'd suggest that you take the suggestions, learn from them and keep it moving by sharing new, exciting & error-free poetry! IMO - your post above is an excuse for not having performed a tedious editing process, which your writing most surely deserves.

    For instance - the first line of your poem above has 3 errors right out the gate:
    Should be...
    Lovely first line btw. But these errors -- which could easily be fixed if you take the time to edit your stuff -- makes it incredibly difficult to take your writing seriously.

    HTH,

    J.

    Mysty - Thanks for taking the time to share the edit process!


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Nov 26, 2012
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Nov 27, 2012
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  6. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    What exclamation marks?? I never put any exclamation marks in there. I used your question marks only. This is an exclamation mark !!!! If you don't want any grammar help then I think no one will like to read your work as they do overflow with grammatical errors and it does make it very hard to read your work. I am sorry you do not like the revisions. They are not meant to insult you or devalue your writing. They are meant only to help you out with the grammar. They are only suggestions too. As I said you can use or lose them.


    Myst
    • A+ Grade A+ Grade x 1


    Posted By Mysty | Nov 28, 2012
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    I 100% Completely Agree with you Mysty

    I wonder at this comment though Wind -- Whose feelings did you hurt exactly?
    And how did you hurt them? Did you deliver the poem to them?... If yes - what'd they think about it? Did they cry?


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Nov 28, 2012
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  8. Confused

    Wind WindXSaul

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    Just someone who was close to me.
    I did deliver this poem to them. He said it would make him rethink everything and since then he clung to me like a little child.
    But that doesn't mean i don't want to make him hurt


    Posted By Wind | Nov 29, 2012
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    LOL Girl! You are FIERCE!
    But if it got the desired results ==> Long live the power of poetry!

    J.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Nov 30, 2012
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  10. Confused

    Wind WindXSaul

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    Well....o..o if i want make him cry that a different story...but yeah ^^


    Posted By Wind | Dec 1, 2012
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    So. Why do you want to slaughter with poetry?


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Dec 1, 2012
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  12. Confused

    Wind WindXSaul

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    Because...when i try to and speak normally i can't find the right words but when i write it into poem.....it better
    • Like Like x 1


    Posted By Wind | Dec 2, 2012
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Totally understand that. Poetry has helped me find my voice as well! It's not that my voice was hidden or lost or anything though. But rather because, during the most trying times of my life, I found it difficult to format thoughts into any coherent speech... So yeah - Poetry as cure and/or Poetry as therapeutic release is a concept I appreciate very much. Hope this makes sense...


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Dec 2, 2012
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  14. Confused

    Wind WindXSaul

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    Yes it does.I was told how to talk and i'm not use to my own free speech so,when i learned that poetry could help me...i'm sort of learning how to speak even without my poetry


    Posted By Wind | Dec 2, 2012
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  15. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    and that is why we have a 2nd chance too look at our work and re evaluate it before we hit the submit button. Without this option it makes folks like me, or anyone who wants to read and understand a piece of work, want to help out by correcting poor grammar usage. Now If you cannot see the errors then ask for help..... just correcting errors of Grammar is NOT changing the power of your words.....rather it makes your work easier to read and more enjoyable. And just because we offer help with Grammar does not mean in any way that we are condescending to you or looking down on you Wind. Just that we want to help
    • Like Like x 1


    Posted By Mysty | Dec 13, 2012
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Members uplifting Members!
    This is one (the most important...?) reason I created JPiC ;)

    J.

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