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  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    I am writing this Dali Diary Entry #2 “very rough draft” in past tense as per the suggestion of Ms Jacquii…..and makes much more sense to me now.

    Dali Diary Entry #2, February 21st, 1949…..Crimson Bath



    The next night, I wrote "her" a poem expressing how desperately I wanted to see her, and drown in her mysterious sea. She loved me, touched me, and excited me like no man ever did before. I sketched her as mystical, erogenous, enchanting, and cunning. She was a perfect femme for a Salvador Dali painting. Then I thought, yes, Dali, was the perfect name for her.

    No one would have believed me if I told them that she was but a fine mist upon my skin. Dali was an erotic zephyr, with an ominous ancient fragrance. Bizarre scents which I became familiar with from reading, from researching, and from first hand experience. Creatures of myth and folklore were my preferred genre when reading as a child. I thought them to be extinct, not extant. Frightened by my speculations, I dismissed the thoughts that Dali was indeed a vampire.

    Upon arrival, her noctilucent haze glimmered like Sirius. She was slightly sobbing as she approached me, and I could feel her damp cheek brush ever so softly against mine. Whilst whispering "SSSaasscchhaa" in my ear, I felt a chilling breeze, gently closing my eyes. With the barest touch, she caressed me, nibbled my nape, my breasts, and slowly moved on to tease my ready lips. I was all hers, with arched back and eyes closed. Her tongue, wet and warm, left indelible trails of tender kisses inside my thighs. She gently lifted me closer. All I could see were Heaven’s most brilliant stars, and hear Heaven’s most harmonious symphony.

    Under her spell, I did not care about anything else, and my pleasure resounded in spiral galaxy echoes. When I opened my eyes, she was gone, and only a linger of what smelled like decay remained. I was left feeling sad, violated, and oh so satisfied. I embraced myself, pretending my arms were hers.

    Moments later, sharp pains inside my thighs abruptly replaced my ethereal reminiscing of her being there. Dribbling blood accompanied the stinging pain. I rushed to wash my inconceivable night away. My world shattered as I sat in a crimson bath. Vampires do indeed exist, and so did Dali.

    Painted ;):girlhide::curtsey::teasing:lol

  2. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    OMG! I could see everything, feel everything, want everything! Holy crap! I need a shower myself! WOW! There's no other word to describe how I'm feeling right now! The details here are simply fantastic. They're as tangible as the vampire Dali and as intangible as the tangible emotions here!

    Fantastic, Sis!!!!!!!
    Gail
  3. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thanks so much Gail for reading and commenting! I have more coming and an edited version of Entry #1. Like I said, you are so inspiring, and I am most grateful for you taking precious time to read my work. Love ya Sis!

    Kim :wub:

    zaac Banned

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    this is twisted in a special PD kinda way.

    z


    Posted By zaac | Apr 26, 2008
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    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    LOLOL...thank you Zaac...for taking time to read and to comment....twisted and demented you call me...and thank you...lol...

    Kim :)

    JolieH JPiC Contributor

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    There you go, you have the vampire element suggested. The last sentence in the first paragraph sounds a little awkward compared to the rest of the piece. Good luck, and let me know when further parts are posted.


    Posted By JolieH | Apr 27, 2008
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  5. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thank you so much Jolie for taking precious time to read and comment. I wanted to build upon the first entry and leave the element of mystery and raise questions since no one knew of the vampire element unless I told them. So I wanted to see if it could stand alone as a diary entry with mystery, then see if I could get away with introducing the vampire element in the second diary entry. I will be changing that last sentence as per your suggestion! Thank you! Take Care.

    Kim :wub:
  6. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Hmmm...I don't think zaac said "demented" PD...are you projecting your own thoughts ?LOL!! I think? hehe...of course you do have to be half way "de-mented" to write this, but in a good way.

    Here's some places that I ran into little bumps...

    I feel that if you are just going to be naming "her" in the last sentence of the first paragraph, then you can't call her by her name to start with, right?

    The next night, I wrote Dali a poem I would come up for something else to call her...even just "her" in quotes, assuming this creature is female, given my slim understanding that vampiric progeny were wont to take on any shape they desired.

    she was only but Can you choose only one of these words?...with both it makes it awkward.

    name Sascha in my ear what about putting quotes around "Sascha" with added "s" sounds...or something similar to make it more seductive sounding? Or accented?

    She was sobbing I feel like it's a bit of a jump to go from saying your name to sobbing..."she was trembling" maybe? Or something leading up to the sobbing?

    I have to say that a thread of humor pervades in the middle (or my twisted sense of one?)....who would have thought that a "vampire" would lead you to hear "Heaven's harmonious symphony" I LOVE IT!! :roflmao:

    Nomad

    SarahNSH New Member

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    Hello!

    Well, I enjoyed the first part and you grabbed my attention with the beginning story of this so I thought that I'd check out the second part. I was not disappointed either! I really do enjoy this and how your expanding upon the story... I do have a suggestion though for one of the sentences that I read: Creatures (if ever was) I thought to be extinct, not extant. -

    In my opinion the part in the parenthesis kind of makes the sentence an awkward read and I would maybe suggest removing it because I feel like it interrupts the flow of the sentence when reading it. Or, you could reword it and here is my suggestion for rewording the sentence since I don't believe you need to repeat creatures again since it was mentioned in the sentence before:

    Creatures of myth and folklore were my preferred genre when reading as a child. I thought them to be extinct, not extant.

    But, of course, this is just a suggestion and completely up to you. I was wondering why the vampire came to her sobbing... was it because the vampire knew that she was going to change her and what that would do to our main character? Or, was it that she finally got to meet the woman she was haunting and the feelings from finally meeting her? Definitely had me interested in that and also if this vampire will return and if the main character will stop having the haunting visions/dreams now that she has meet her spector.

    Anywho, all of this to say that I really did enjoy this and I'll be following along for your next installment too! I'm also wondering where Dr. O'Hara will play into the next part or if she'll come back into her life again after what has happened. Keep up the great work and keep on writing away!


    Posted By SarahNSH | May 2, 2008
    #9
  7. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thank you Ms Nomad and Sarah for taking time to read and to comment. I will be plugging in the suggestions shortly. I like your questions and how the questions are related to future events. Yes, I do have tidbits of humor weaved in as well, as I could not help myself. Some of the suggestions I was already working on in my journal. Thank you both for helping me bring this to being polished and hopefully publish-ready.


    Kim :)
  8. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Awesome Kim..... Please continue ...... dear god ..... I had at first thought she had a succubus visiting her. But vampires are very sexual creatures too. My favorite vampire character right now is on Moonlight or Moonlighting ..... plays on tv on friday nights up here. My god he is one Hawt man. I am totally drawn into your story .... I wish there was more to read.

    argh .........I need more Kim lol....

    Love

    Mysty


    Posted By Mysty | May 3, 2008
    #11
  9. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Mysty,

    :roflmao: at the HAWT man! lol.....thank you for reading and commenting Mysty...more coming later today hopefully! ;)

    Kim :p:girlhide:
  10. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Ist - let me say HUMPHH! This is wild - Perhaps I mean HMMM! Yeah - it's more of a hmmm! moment - You're like welcome to #2 Bitches! LOL..... OKOKOK.... Wow! Let me settle down.

    I am loving this 2nd entry - very much... The writing does seem a bit tighter than the 1st posted version/ prior to the edits... There's a bit more mature in this #2 entry... Like you can actually tell the psychiatry sessions are working and Sascha's inhibitions are swept away. Interesting thing - You didn't sign it with Sascha's name o_O lol.... OK - one suggestion I noticed that IMO needs to be changed:

    I'm liking the beginning of this - but I don't believe a person can be "erogenous" - a person can have an erogenous zone... I think perhaps you should edit to say "mystical, sensual, enchanting, and cunning." - OR just to add an adjective that better describes a person...

    I'm in love with this beautiful passage. Yes - I'm a Dali fan - and this part is most captivating to me. Beautifully written KIM.

    Now when nearing the end of this 2nd entry - I'm like OMFG wow! Yep - you wowed me - And I'm still thinking - what a beautiful name is Dali for a vampire - but perhaps Dali can be a Vampiress with capital "V" = hmmmmmm? Meh - perhaps vampire is more than sufficient. And you've established the hook.

    Moving on to #3... I'm liking this intriguing series KIM - And I see that you've taken a bow LOL - Well deserved - Well done!

    Jacquii.
  11. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Had to read the other comments :blush: - Oh yes - Vampires are definitely sexual creatures LOL - could be the supreme modus operandi - Well at least the way I think in terms of vampirism anyway :blush2:

    Jacquii.
  12. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thank you ladies so much for reading and commenting...I am excited about this series and hope that I can deliver! Love ya!

    Kim :huggles:

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