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    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


    Melismatic New Member

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    As my form lies in repose
    The mind drifts to an oasis
    Where both the individual and his doppelganger await.
    The binary soul emblazons its image upon my inner eye.
    As the vision increases in clarity, a river begins to overflow the mouth of the cavern that encases it.
    A flame is ignited by an unseen spark.
    It reaches the epidermis and blazes throughout as the senses recall the taste of the ocean’s salt.
    The nucleus quakes and trembles as flashes of a liquid embrace of orators stirs at the depths of the core.
    A leisurely trail of lava escapes from the dome of the volcano.
    Blazing a heated, sensory path upon its descent to the base of humanity and what was once vibrant and pulsing,
    Now lies in peaceful and
    Dormant.


    Posted By Melismatic | Aug 23, 2006
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    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I'll give ya a review i didn't like becuase I need you becauser of teh format and style used, this poem though was pretty good, the flow wasn't consistent but the detail at parts were very enigmatic and stood out, Its still seems to me that this could use somemore spice to it like alittle more lenth or a couple good phrases but it was fun to read and examine don't be upset if you don't get too many reveiws yet this site is sporatic and i'm sure at the laest paintediary and Ms jaqui will reveiw you soon as well

    Melismatic New Member

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    elaborate on the "format and style used" that bothered you about "because I need you" so I can maybe re-work that one.


    Posted By Melismatic | Aug 23, 2006
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    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Well most people find the repeating lines annoying in because I need you half the poem was because I need you, what was good about it was teh change of feelings in it, mainly I didn't like it because of teh simplicity of teh write and structure and format, you see its just my opinion I think their should be more description more text before the because I need you and because i needed you parts If you think about it if soemone else could write that easily withoput question then its not a good enough write not original enough in my opinion your other two writes however I feel diffrenetly about dante's inferno and most importantly the last gem I read have what I like and look for

    Melismatic New Member

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    ok - i c what you're saying with that first one - it's supposed to be simplistic though or at least that was actually my aim when i wrote it. it was meant to be a very basic summation of what i feel and then felt "because I needed you" so it was meant to be that way - but as the author it makes sense to me - looking at it from a reader's perspective I can see areas I could beef it up - i really appreciate your input :)


    Posted By Melismatic | Aug 23, 2006
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