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    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I don't know where to put the pain,
    I'm still standing I remember everything,

    the door still opens waiting for your smile,
    the trees still rustle but the sparrows won't sing,

    I don't know how to stop existing, but
    its your heart that I've been missing,
    everything is out of my reach,

    the clock on the wall says I'm existing,
    but that's not what I call living,
    I'm erasing memories I couldn't place,

    the rain says I'm here again,
    you'll like to see me my friend,
    cause I've opened up but nearly drowned,
    and saw my feet run ocean bound,
    but I couldn't take away these days,

    the man next door proves I'm existing,
    but that's not at all what I call living,
    I could bleed prune dry,
    but you'd still be on my mind,

    my days not over today,
    but I'm being true I just want to see your face,

    when I think of how much, I've written down,
    it was all a clever waste,
    my soul is wreckage now,
    until its marooned on our fates.

    Aumakua Misunderstood

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    Reading this makes me feel so sad... but in a good way :)

    This is like a sad love poem ish... poem :D

    Hehe, i really like this one too! Argh i really like alot of poems on this forum o_O Everyone is such good writers ^.^

    Awesome job ^-^


    Posted By Aumakua | Nov 7, 2007
    #2

    zaac Banned

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    this is nice erik. there are a couple things that don't make sense in the flow. pm me and i'll help you if you like. this is a good set of lyrics and a nice piece of work.


    Posted By zaac | Nov 7, 2007
    #3

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    okay zaac I think I'll take your help on this one

    zaac Banned

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    you message in the song is very good. a lot of writing lyrics is word choice and meter or rhythm. you can get away without it in normal poetry, but you have to think of a song as a poem in a package.

    it kind of seems like you get a little stuck sometimes of how to write a line that rhymes and end up writing a line that doesnt accentuate the point of the stanza.

    The first four lines are very very good. Instead of writing I havent forgot anything, you can say I remember everything. then try (my) doors still open.

    and then something like...the trees still rustle but the sparrows just won't sing.

    so what you have is:

    I don't know where to put the pain,
    I'm still standingand I remember everything,
    my door's still opens waiting for your smile,
    the trees still rustle but the sparrows just wont sing

    tell me what you think and we can take one stanza at a time.

    with lyrics, the lines i just did would be either part of verse one or the whole verse. then the next part would be a bridge or the chorus. this echoes the sentiment of the verse and usually contains the "hook" or what makes the song attractive. a bridge is a transition from a verse to the chorus. try listening to some songs and see if you can find the bridge. every song has one.

    you don't have to take any of my advice. a lot of it is understanding that changing one word in a song can change the direction of the whole song. everything in the verses point to what you are trying to say in the chorus. basically the chorus needs to say that your existence is useless without her.

    ok thats enough for now. if any of this confuses you, just ask me. writing lyrics can be tricky business, but with practice and time you'll get it. i've not seen someone so young write the way you do.

    take care

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Nov 7, 2007
    #5

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I get this zaac, and I haven't told you how into music I am but I am,

    your suggestions were good and I changed the verses accordingly

    mangodroplet Blue Mango Puppy :]

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    I like the poem.....
    existing, but not living.
    very good message.
    doesn't look like a song just yet, but it's nice to see zaac is helping you :]
    It would be a beautiful song....

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    thanks mango,

    yeah we're working on it

    ctivnan New Member

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    I like the style you use in writing your poetry using commas! It's one whole story that you just allow the reader to stop a bit and feel you and what you are going through.

    Your poem made me thought about the time I was in love and the time i had lost the love of my life... I was alive and yet a part of me had just died...

    Love this poem! :yay::D


    Posted By ctivnan | Nov 8, 2007
    #9

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    ctivan it sounds like a very special time and experience your sharing,

    which makes me very happy that you read my poem.

    ctivnan New Member

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    It was! ^^


    Posted By ctivnan | Nov 8, 2007
    #11
  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Erik,

    You know just how to stir enough emotion for sure. This is quite a story and shaping up nicely. If anyone can help with lyrics Zaac can...nice to see you two working together.

    Kim ;)

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    yeah it is nice, I know zaac has helped allot already

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