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    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


    Åströmmer New Member

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    For a blink of an eye …

    Closing …

    I am small, very tiny, near vanishing
    All things are out of my reach
    Secrets behind the fence keep their nature
    I can’t see things on the top shelf

    My eyesight is weak, very poor, near blindness
    Water is too clear, I need to touch it to know it’s there
    I stare the sun bare eyed and it seems dim
    I have totally lost the moon

    I hear poorly, only weak voices, near silence
    Truth escapes my ears and I live make-believe
    My facts lack content and my thoughts direction
    I can’t hear warnings and I meet danger

    I am quiet, very silent, near mute
    Words left me and I suffocate
    Things lose their names and get evacuated
    I feel void

    … Opening

    After it all I still love, would you believe!


    Posted By Åströmmer | May 4, 2008
    #1

    Tha-Emissary Black Knight!

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    Whew! the loss of it all. You have a nice form in this the poem has that draining effect that makes you spiral down with it as it progress. I think you set a poetic precedence for the tone of emotions that involve loss and love.

    SarahNSH New Member

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    Review

    Hello Astrommer!

    Well, I remember that you reviewed a poem of mine ("Laughter") and here I am returning the favor. I really do like the format of the poem that you have going and how you have it starting with the For a blink of an eye …

    Closing …
    And also the spacing you have with the beginning and it caught my interest with how you started it. I do have a suggestion though:

    My eyesight is weak, very poor, near blindness
    -

    Since that you used very in the first stanza I would suggest maybe removing it because I think that the line reads much stronger without it. Also, it makes the usage of "very" not as redundant. Also, I'd remove "poor" since this also repeats with it and I feel like it reads much crisper. So, your line would read:

    My eyesight is weak, near blindness


    I also would suggest the same for the second stanza as well, but, of course this is just my opinion and completely up to you. I would suggest alternative words if they've been used before and to mix up what words your using to describe things. One of my favorite lines was this one below:

    Truth escapes my ears and I live make-believe
    My facts lack content and my thoughts direction
    I can’t hear warnings and I meet danger


    I think that you did a great job with the description and I like how it feels from one line to the next. I really do like how you say "I live like make-believe" since I could imagine this line and I think that you described it really well. The lines just read smooth and I find this to be a poem that has me thinking after I've read it and reading it again... which I love when poems I read make me do that.

    Altogether, I liked how you began with "opening" and finished with "closing" to complete the poem. I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for sharing it with us. Keep on writing away!


    Posted By SarahNSH | May 8, 2008
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    Åströmmer New Member

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    Thank you SarahNSH! I'm glad you like my poem.

    The suggestions you made I was kind of thinking my self as I wrote the poem. I made the poem have certain kind of horizontal sentence structure:

    "I am small, very tiny, near vanishing" compare with line
    "I hear poorly, only weak voices, near silence" as you see it like "da-da-da"

    Vertical line structure was in my mind too with opening line of every part & then 3 lines to tell more about the feeling in an concrete manner. And as you notice I did put something to open and to close the poem too. The Main visual structure of the poem is very easy to see, it had like 4 major strikes.

    The point might be that I built too much structures into this poem or/and I was too orthodox about them, thus being unable to release all the potential the poem had.

    Thank you for your comments they helped a lot! I have to add this, I'm back writing poems after 20 years break.

    Åströmmer


    Posted By Åströmmer | May 9, 2008
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    SarahNSH New Member

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    Well, with such a break from writing poems I think that you are really doing a great job with it! Yeah, I could tell when reading the poem that it had a certain kind of rhythm to it and it'd sound very nice being read outloud. That kind of "da-da-da" which I notice even more now that you pointed that out. I'd definitely like to check out more of your work too whenever you post it cause' I definitely really did enjoy this!


    Posted By SarahNSH | May 9, 2008
    #5
  1. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Honey, if you could've read my first poem after thirty years you would've cried at the emotion and laughed at the structure! lol

    I understand how it feels to put that first work down on paper after a long time and feel for you! I thought this read like a first poem, but (as my dad says) "You done schwell!"

    Poetry is about image and emotion, I think, and you managed to convey those both quite well. You didn't say, but I would suggest following Sarah's advice, AND consider reading what you write out loud! If there's any problem with it, you'll notice it immediately.

    I do write some poetry but concentrate on prose more. When I write anything, my poor, long-suffering husband listens as I read it out loud. If I have trouble such as hesitating or stumbling over sentences, or 'huh?' sentences, then it's time to sit down and revise, lol.

    I'm lookiing forward to reading more of your work, if it's as good as this.

    hugs,
    Gail


    Posted By butchiesmom | May 9, 2008
    #6

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