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    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


    Applejous New Member

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    This is old work, but one of my favs. Its hard to pick something for a first post.


    Elsewhere

    In the morning,
    a pig is jostled out the back of a truck, speeding along the freeway.
    It bounces.
    Twice.
    The startled city boy drops his convenient, hand-held, egg and bacon breakfast, (only $2.99).
    It lands with a soft pat.
    He does not forget that sound.
    Elsewhere,
    at a wake,
    the young girl stumbles in her sister’s shoes, breaks a heel, spills her sugary coffee on the carpet.
    ‘I am so dead!’
    Somewhere in the excruciating inappropriateness of that word, she finds she can still get away with being barefoot at a function.
    Somewhere in touching hot coffee with toes, she finds she is still alive.

    At noon, it still feels like morning.


    Copyright © 2006 - Applejous, Perth WA

    :heart: J
    14/5/03


    Posted By Applejous | Jul 11, 2006
    #1

    FaShaBaby Rhapsodist Pinay

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    I really like the way you set up this poem as little peeks into the someone elses world. I like that.

    It's those little moments in life that makes the big events make sense.

    "It lands with a soft pat.
    He does not forget that sound. "

    Good. This is like a foreboding of something else big that will occur in his life.

    "At noon, it still feels like morning."

    Another good line. You can search deeply in this one and get your own meanings.

    Really good. Truly enjoyed.


    Posted By FaShaBaby | Jul 12, 2006
    #2

    thelioness New Member

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    I like the imagery you created with this. You took such mundane things and made them seem important.

    "Somewhere in touching hot coffee with toes, she finds she is still alive."

    I thought this was a great line that somehow brought deeper meaning to the whole thing.
    Great!


    Posted By thelioness | Jul 13, 2006
    #3
  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Reading this, I felt like we were there, in the mimi-movie with the actress. Getting a small glimpse of someone else's crazy life, that is real, and close to real-life! I like the layering you have provided. Like stacking small hot-cakes one by one, till the big picture is on the screen!!!!! BRAVO!!!

    Much Luv'...~*Painted Diary*~

    eatmypen New Member

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    Nice!

    I liked your poem, Applejous. The structure in particular worked very well for me. There is almost a hurried, urgent beat to it that gives an idea of frantic activity. The way you've separated the sentences intensifies the imagery present too.

    "Elsewhere,
    at a wake,
    the young girl stumbles in her sister’s shoes, breaks a heel, spills her sugary coffee on the carpet."

    You separate the image and then give us the details. It's a nice delivery and it kicks ass.


    Posted By eatmypen | Jul 13, 2006
    #5
  2. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Hey J - I've read this poems numerous times - AND I still don't think I can understand the immediacy of your words. You talk about 2 different times, far away from each other.... But those 2 diff'rent times are sharing like such a synonimous (sp?) event -----> a "trivial" event and a WAKE?

    The last funeral I attended was in 1992. It was such a trumatic event for me that I have vowed to never attend another....

    The way you have linked the spilling of coffee with the "wake" is so special to me... It makes me relive (for lack of better word) my Grandma's last event... This poem almost really brought tears to my eyes - such is the setting that you've evoked. I don't know if I really get this one!

    What I do get is that this is a BRILLIANT write. I can definitely see how this is one of your favorites. It has the strength to become one of my favorites also! I'd definitely love to know your motivation and your inspiration to write such a beautifully haunting piece!

    This piece is almost beyond words - AND almost beyond my comprehension. You are the first writer to evoke such an emotion in me in a long time. I thank you for sharing this piece with us!

    Jacquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Jul 14, 2006
    #6

    michael JPiC Contributor

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    Hello

    This was so cool you have such a great style. like oldschool maybe. Anyway what seemed to stand out for me was the story it tells of the city boy and the young girl. Very creative. Great first post.

    good reading you
    michael


    Posted By michael | Jul 15, 2006
    #7

    TheBlackPoet New Member

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    I consider myself a poet with a well of wickedly wild imaginations... but.., you... took me in circles with this... and not one circle closed..... so...., i have to laugh at myself for taking that trip.......

    and then read it again......

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