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    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    hello I haven't written a haiku or senryu in along time,
    so I'm going to you guys for help, if I submitted these now I'd look foolish,

    but with your help I'll polish these into gems,
    and get them published, so please help me with these


    Free Floating

    breeze blowing serene
    opening trumpet flowers
    petals scatter free

    Majesty

    dead, leaf-less, grand trees
    scarecrows dwarfing the lamp posts
    return to bloom Spring

    Frozen Love

    a shower of snow
    recants the frozen smile
    prismatical you

    Rain and Sun

    rain clouds fill up, dewy
    letting down fits of soft tears
    joy peeks up, sun

    Familiar scent

    perfect blossoming
    not a rose or wish
    but my lily's scent

    Time Couch

    sound waves weaving through
    defining shadowy shapes
    sonorous couch time

    Flower Queen

    a spectoral bloom
    applause held for the queen
    of bells and bulbs

    Dig your own Garden

    sinking below ground
    I'm scooping handfuls of dirt
    pushing up daisies

  1. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    AWESOME Erik :D These are really great!!!! I quite enjoyed these two especially

    This one is short a couple of syllables though so but if you said "Not a rose, flower or wish but my Lily's scent"


    and here......... "Sinking below ground I'm scooping handfuls of dirt, pushing up daisies. "

    Just some thoughts you can use or lose hon..... but these two were the two that made the most impression on me for the sheer beauty of them.

    Love

    Mysty


    Posted By Mysty | Feb 22, 2008
    #2

    Altree94 VIP Member

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    Hi Erik!
    What a treat to come back to!

    Best suggestions I can make are:

    1) Try avoiding the "little words" like: a, the, of, but, for etc. wherever possible. It isn't always possible to avoid some of them (like in: queen of bells and bulbs) but most times they can be omitted. "a prism of you" for example, could be "prismatical you", thus avoiding the "a" and "of".
    By omitting these little words you create syllable space for more descriptive words and unique description is really what haiku is all about.
    Also avoid words like "their". Haiku #1, last line. Try something like: "petals scatter free" or use a descriptive word in place of "their".

    2) Watch your syllable counts. Although both haiku and senryu do not necessarily have to have a 5-7-5 count, they are most often written that way so as to promote a good rhythm and flow to the whole thought being expressed. Your 4-8-4 count on #6 isn't bad but look at it with a few changes to make it 5-7-5:
    sound waves weaving through
    defining shadowy shapes
    sonorous couch time

    3) The last line (called the satori line) should be a summation of the first two descriptive lines. Satori actually means "a sudden enlightenment". You have a perfect example of this in haiku #8 (although I think that may be more of a senryu than a haiku - anything describing or dealing with humans is senryu).

    4) Presentation: haiku, senryu, miku or any short poem begs to be center aligned! Poetry is a visual art too!

    Hope this has been of some help and not too harsh. You've got some good thoughts happening here and they deserve to shine, so read them over and put some polish on them!
    - Tree.


    Posted By Altree94 | Feb 23, 2008
    #3

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    thanks Mysty I took your advice,
    thats exceptional how you and tree understand haiku and senryu so well,

    Tree you have a real knowledge of this thanks for sharing it with me

    Nikos Tselepides New Member

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    A few general comments first:

    1. Haikus do not always have to be exact in syllable count, esp. if the poem is strong enough to make that look secondary. Some variation in sumber of syllables is allowed.

    2. They usually do not have titles--the majority at least.

    3. Haikus are based on an opposite idea to the main body, suddenly expressed, and often unexpectedly: they spring a surprise on the reader. Here is a famous haiku by Pulizer-prize winner Gary Snyder:

    After weeks of watching
    the roof leak, I fixed it tonight
    by moving a single tile.


    The opposition is there: weeks-single/long time -- a second only.

    Some of the haikus here do not have any opposition at all:Familiar Scent, Time Couch, Flower Queen (there may be others too). Altree calls this opposition the "satori" and he means the same thing. Literary critics have called it with various terms over the past 60 years or more, each using words of his own taste.

    4. Altree is right in saying one must avoid small words--they usually have no content of their own and flatten a poem or line. The line

    of bells and bulbs

    is a good example. A verb would make miracles here.

    5. My previous point brings me to another important aspect: the verb. Verbs are the moving power in haikus and have to be well-placed, and, if possible, in the simple present tense, which is the strongest tense. The writer could count how many of the verbs are strong and how many are weak here.


    6. Clarity. That comes from using words all understand. A Chinese master had once said "you must not write anything that your cleaning lady would not understand", meaning we are to use simple, clear language.
    In my view, the words "spectoral" , "recants" and "prismatical" bring in problems. Two of them need a dictionary, and the third one--recants--sounds flat and belonging to a pharmaceutical laboratory. Prismatical derives from the Greek, means "many-sided", and even though I am Greek and fluent in Ancient Greek also, I am having a hard time trying to make it work for me in the poem. (I do suspect that these words were used with the best of intentions, and out of inspiration to use a "refined" word in the poem which the poet could not resist. When this happens, best policy is to write it, let it sit for a few days, and go back to reread and make corrections. Most flaws become evident after a day or two of waiting before finalizing.)

    7. Correctness of form, syntax, grammar: :lily's" and not "lilys". Of self-evident importance in any piece of writing, whatever the genre, poem or prose, haiku or whatever. We all understand such mistakes, some come from haste, and we all make them from time to time. But they cause wastage and often deflate a poem or line.

    All that said, I enjoyed reading these and on the whole I find them remarkable and a good group of short haikus. I enjoyed them and thanks immensely.

    Nick

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    thanks Nick you know allot about haikus, I submitted these to FrogPond,
    I agree with what your saying, large words in a haiku make one think, overdone
    afterall a flower in nature is a flower, to call it an hybiscus tansanie just for example I don't actually know what that is but thats something only a scientist would appreciate
    and certainly a cleaning lady wouldn't understand,

    thanks for your help Nick, I'll see how the submission turns out I'm thionking it might've been too soon, but if its rejected I'll revise it even more or just make better new ones

    Nikos Tselepides New Member

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    Erik,
    I did my best, and as I said it was a joy to read your work.

    What is FrogPond, by the way?

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Frogpond is the magazine by The haiku society of America
  2. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Erik, I really enjoyed these...especially after the revisions. I have nothing to add except :wow: they are exceptional!!

    Nomad

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