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    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


    athlone www.poetrypages4u.com

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    Your silken hand so smoothes my brow,
    your plush and luscious lips brush mine,
    a glimpse of heaven, revealed now,
    your presence headier than wine.

    If I could choose to die in bliss,
    this cold, harsh world to leave behind,
    I’d choose your sweet departing kiss
    to draw the curtains of my mind.

    But if in charity you turn
    to save so mortal one as I
    then look with favored, sweet concern
    in knowing and discerning eye.

    For I have loved you from the first,
    your sweetness captivates my heart.
    You calm my hunger, quench my thirst,
    to fevered thoughts such peace impart.

    So take my trembling hand in yours
    and guide me in your gentle way,
    but ever often stop and pause,
    my fears and sadness to allay.


    Posted By athlone | Dec 8, 2006
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  1. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    looovely rhythm! almost perfect beat. I think you could lose the commas you put after various lines as well as the comma in the third line...and drop the "and" here - "and to fevered thoughts such peace impart." this has 9 syllables as opposed to the 8 in the other lines and breaks the rhythm right there. Wonderful sentiments...beautiful writing!

    athlone www.poetrypages4u.com

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    suggestion accepted - with thanks

    nomadicrhymer - I thank you most sincerely for your astute criticism. as you suggest, I have dropped the "and" from the "fevered brow". at present i am still reluctant to let the commas go, i shall mull that over for a while.


    Posted By athlone | Dec 10, 2006
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