Welcome to JPiC Forum For Writers! Please log in or sign up to interact with our Community.
  1. Welcome!

    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!

Discussion in 'Emotional Romantic' started by Amzy, Aug 19, 2006.



    Amzy A friend, Well met.

    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2006
    Message Count:
    196
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +0 / 0 / -0

    I hate this poem. It doesn't flow very well.

    Heartache

    To all those who have been fallen out of love with.

    When my heart breaks, I can feel it.
    It''s not romantic expression.
    Inside my chest, on the left side
    there is a squeezing sensation.

    I hear it described, a dagger
    piercing the chest. Not what I felt.
    A dagger would be taken out,
    Hot blood where the wound had been dealt.

    I feel a strong squeeze, and a twist.
    I do not romanticize pain.
    I know there is no emotion
    in the heart, its part of the brain.

    I have the headaches, and the knots
    in the stomach that come with stress.
    But still I cannot understand
    this terrible pain in my chest.

    A romantic would say "heartbreak."
    A doctor, "more tests we must start."
    I say maybe this pain is why
    love must surely come from the heart.


    Posted By Amzy | Aug 19, 2006
    #1

  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

    Member Since:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Message Count:
    4,653
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Channeling Rainbow
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +20 / 0 / -0
    Dear Amzy,

    You said--->I hate this poem. It doesn't flow very well.

    I say that I LOVE this poem... so real, so raw, so honest, and coming from a man speaks volumes! I love this little storem (my word for story and poem combined). Interesting how you chose to express it as a denial because (I know there is no emotion
    in the heart, its part of the brain). What the "norm" says a "broken heart" should feel like, and make sense out of it. Then you enlighten us with your your analysis, to conclude that --->

    A romantic would say "heartbreak."
    A doctor, "more tests we must start."
    I say maybe this pain is why
    love must surely come from the heart.

    I loved this last stanza, it is strong, summs everything up, and ties in prior thoughts. Perhaps the "non-flow", that you speak of, is because there is limited rhyming here and there. This is more freesyle, in my opinion. I loved the honesty, and the spoken from (a man's point of view), style Amzy!!!!!!

    Painted Kim




    Painted Kim
  2. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

    Member Since:
    Nov 14, 2006
    Message Count:
    1,980
    Trophy Points:
    53
    Location:
    Claremont, CA
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +14 / 0 / -0
    well thanks for this one Amzy...been there done that...and vice versa...life in all it's peculiarities...still goes round in circles...this is excellent and I think if flows perfectly. It's hard sometimes to see in your own poem what someone else sees and feels. Flow is not a problem :)

    Therese

    Amzy A friend, Well met.

    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2006
    Message Count:
    196
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Thanks, Therese and Painted Kim.

    Kim, are you suggesting that men don't know how to express themselves? That's a little sexist, don't you think? Ok...so what if it's true. I think you hit the nail on the head with this one...it SHOULD be freestyle.

    Therese, I'm glad it was clear enough that you could relate, but sorry that you are able to.


    Posted By Amzy | Dec 7, 2006
    #4

    zaac Banned

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 2006
    Message Count:
    583
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    i think it's very well worded. i can kind of see what you mean though. the first thing that struck me was maybe not try to rhyme it in anyway. it kind of makes it sound halting or you are being forced to make it rhyme. This is not a train of thought or flow of emotion and words that can be constrained like that. Try it without rhyming.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Dec 8, 2006
    #5

We hope you're enjoying our forum!

Only registered Members have access to posting priviledges. Registration here is 100% FREE. Use the button below to begin registration or the form on the right to login to your account.

Forgot your password?

Share This Page