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Discussion in 'Emotional Romantic' started by erikestabrook, Mar 26, 2008.



    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    YouTube - Josiah Leming -To Run



    you tell me this feelings not healthy,
    that I'm high on my own smile,
    and that I never listen,

    I treated you like a nun,
    I kept you in your own monastery ,
    meanwhile you've grown away from me,

    I guess I felt you needed protected,
    from every word without care or blessings,
    my heart sank like a blimp,
    what would I do?
    with me not having you,

    the last thing you said was listen,
    our two hearts have made a prison,

    and I heard every single word,
    flashbacks from the days you knew me,
    every thought was we we're such strange company,

    I heard fights back and forth,
    I never meant to let you feel rejected,
    I guess this time I really wrecked it.

    Moonchild Moon Goddess of Whispers

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    Ouch...painful write full of emotions
    that you express so very well.
    This was well done but sorry you are feeling down*hugs*
    At least you have poetry to vent it and you did a super job with that!


    Posted By Moonchild | Mar 26, 2008
    #2

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    thanks moonchild,

    well I felt I had to emote this,
    its based offa the rhytm of Josiah Lemmings
    version of To run,

    well life is constant heartache for me,
    a happy mood is just something to delay the feelings,

    and imagining not having poetry or this place,
    I'd feel much worse,

    I'm so glad you enjoyed this moonchild
  1. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I read this and then I read your response to Mysty. Because I wanted to understand it better, I decided to google Josiah Lemmings and hear his version of To Run, though I had no idea who sang it originally, lol. I was impressed! It did help that the words for it was at the side of the video so I could follow along.

    What I discovered, after coming back and reading your poem with that video in mind, was your poem, more or less goes right along with what I had just heard. It also goes along with the message of the song...not an easy thing to do.

    I've sent a pm to you with a few changes and a thought about the shroud in the song. I hope it helps.

    This is my thoughts:

    you tell me this feelings not healthy,
    that I'm high on my own smile,
    and that I never listen,


    This is the beginning of love. You smile a lot because you're so very happy! Words? What's words? All I can hear is your voice and it's so very lovely!

    I treated you like a nun,
    I kept you in your own shroud,
    meanwhile you've grown away from me,


    "Like a virgin..." comes to mind here. She's so special! Never had sexual thoughts, can't touch a virgin because they're so rare and precious! Keep her safe on a pedestal of love yet while you hold her at love's arms length, she grew tired of waiting for you to make the first move and moved to someone who would. Shroud? A burial cloth?

    I guess I felt you needed protected,
    from every word without care or blessings,
    my heart sank like a blimp,
    what would I do?
    with me not having you,


    I protected you whether you needed it or not without asking you first. Did it matter to me, at the time, whether you wanted it or not? No, it was important to me that I did. My heart is heavy now! I don't have you anymore. My feelings, one sided, didn't matter to you as much as they do to me.

    the last thing you said was listen,
    our two hearts have made a prison,


    You finally said, "Listen I feel like I'm in a prison! Your love holds me prisoner though I've said I want out!"

    and I heard every single word,
    flashbacks from the days you knew me,
    every thought was we we're such strange company,


    I, finally, heard what you were saying. Flashbacks to the happier days washed over me. We were a strange sort of couple but that really didn't matter to me. I was happy and thought you were too.

    I heard fights back and forth,
    I never meant to let you feel rejected,
    I guess this time I really wrecked it.


    I, finally, heard the angry words spoken. I remembered the fights we had. I realize now I hurt you though it's too late to make amends.

    When you hear the song you're referring to and then read this again, it's obvious how close you came to the message of the original song. I loved the message to begin with but with the addition of listening to Josiah singing it brings an extra meaning to each verse.

    Great job, Erik!
    Gail

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    maybe I'll add the video to the poem I think I really should?
    I had no idea they were that close to each other
  2. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Erik,

    :wow: This is a powerhouse of emotions and raw feelings! I viewed the video as well. The stanza I highlighted was the crutch of the storem. Each stanza itself is radiating with depth and demands attention. This is a powerful write, yet sad, and one can be easily moved by the words you scribe. That is a skill in itself is for poetry to be as "affective" as can be. Great job in executing this Erik and thank you for posting!

    Kim

    solo New Member

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    emotions running deep there erik... things i recognize....lotsa things to work thru....good luck with it

    sol


    Posted By solo | Mar 29, 2008
    #7

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    thanks Kim and solo

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