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    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    I Went To See My Love Today
    .
    I went to see my love today
    To visit for a while
    To touch her tresses where they lay
    To frame her lovely smile
    .
    I spoke to her with quiet words
    I told her of my love
    About us chirped the spring songbirds
    And gentle cooed the dove
    .
    I spoke about the desert air
    And how the sun was warm
    And how my heart was in her care
    To keep it safe from harm
    .
    I laughed about the day we met
    I loved her from the start
    I told her never to forget
    That we are not apart
    .
    Then I softly bid farewell
    And walked away alone
    leaving my teardrops where they fell
    Upon my love's tombstone
    .
    Sartor


    Posted By Sartor | Nov 13, 2006
    #1

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    lovely poem here sartor nice twist with the tombstone part in the end,

    very playful writing style in the rhytm for the beginning and throughout Overall I liked it

    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    erikestabrook...........Thanks for the comment.......glad you enjoyed the poem. The twist was intentional and was written to come as a surprise to the reader.


    Posted By Sartor | Nov 14, 2006
    #3

    zaac Banned

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    This is nice in that it has almost a Robert Frost feel to it. However, I was kind of shocked by the last line. It left me thinking "What?". I somehow think the piece could have faintly alluded to it earlier, if not in statement of loss, to the fact of being alone without her or yearning for her. My vision while reading it was exactly as you described laughing, maybe even in the summer sun with her. I was not ready for that, and I'm not sure I liked it. But structurally and in terms of flow, it was quite refreshing.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Nov 24, 2006
    #4

    Lindamay JPiC Contributor

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    Loved the twist, reminds me of what I do a lot with my own writings. The words flowed together beautifully.


    Posted By Lindamay | Nov 24, 2006
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    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    zaac....the final two lines were meant to shock the reader. No hint was given in eariler stanzas other then the fact that only the storyteller did all the talking yet there were no responses given. Thanks for commenting.

    Lindamay......I am glad you enjoyed the poem. Thank you for your comment.


    Posted By Sartor | Nov 27, 2006
    #6

    jasmine321123 New Member

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    i really liked this one, very nice love poem, also liked the way it flowed nicely great work :)

    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    Jasmine........thanks for the kind words.


    Posted By Sartor | Nov 27, 2006
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    zaac Banned

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    thats what i meant sartor...as Jasmine said, its a very nice love poem. i just thought it should have ended that way.


    Posted By zaac | Nov 28, 2006
    #9
  1. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Strange...as soon as I read the title I thought of my "love" my baby girl who passed on at 30 days old. I somehow knew right away what it was all about. It is beautiful!! Thanks for sharing this one.

    Therese
  2. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Hey SARTOR - excellent writing... Seems the message may be to value the one you're with, as time is sometimes fleeting at best.

    Your word/stanza structure and the rhythm/flow is just magnificent in this poem. The title of the poem works well with the "body" of the poem, and IS the "allusion" that ZAAC spoke of...

    I enjoyed this read very much and then the last couple of lines gave me that "oooo!" feeling. It's nice that a poet can evoke such a feeling in the reader. I tend to wonder if the inspiration for this poem is personal...

    At anyrate - very eloquently stated verse!
    Thanx for sharing it with us!

    Jacquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Dec 2, 2006
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    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    nomadicrhymer....I am sorry to hear of the loss of your baby, but rejoice, your baby is in God's keeping and awaits your reunion. Huggs for you.



    MsJacquiiC...To hear your praise of my work is an early Christmas gift for me. Thank you for your kind remarks. To bring about strong feelings of emotion is truly the mark of a well written poem. I envy those that can cause my emotions to flare up, for they are the poems I read over and over again. I therefore try to bring that response to others in my writings.

    Merry and Happy to you and yours !


    Posted By Sartor | Dec 2, 2006
    #12
  3. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Sartor,

    Wow!!! Wow!!! and Wow!!! This is brilliant writing. You captured my full attention from the title to the last heart felt line. Beautifully executed, balanced, just exquisite. As Ms Jacquii stated, to invoke such "feelings" is truly one who has perfected their craft. Bravo Poet. If this is personal...I am so sorry. Makes me also think of how we need to tell and show those that we love while on this Earth, before we are beneath the Earth. I am in awe of this poem, and read this several times. Just Brilliant!!! Thank you for sharing!

    Painted

    Dear Nomadicrhymer....I am sorry for your loss as well. When your little angel's wings could not fly anymore, the angel's above cradled your baby home. God Bless.

    Painted

    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    To anyone who may read these few lines........My poem titled "I Went To See My Love Today" is only a poem and has no relative relationship to my personal life.


    Posted By Sartor | Dec 4, 2006
    #14
  4. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Oh...Ok..sorry
  5. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Hiya Sartor,

    The twist came as no surprise to me lol.. I rather expected it. Just the hints .. each last line or two..... they forespoke the end result. But then lol maybe you and I think along the same lines .... I don't know. I may have seen this somewhere before. Have you ever posted this anywhere else?

    ~Mysty~


    Posted By Mysty | Dec 5, 2006
    #16

    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    Painted.........not a problem......LOL.....just clearing up a few remarks on this thread.

    Mysty......You are right...there are a few subtle clues prior to the final two lines. I have posted this poem on SplashHall Poetry Boards and it is in a published book, The Poetry Of Sartor, which is available on Ebay or from myself. Perhaps you saw it in one of those places.


    Posted By Sartor | Dec 5, 2006
    #17
  6. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Possibly Sartor :) hmm has anyone told you ..... You look remarkably like
    one of the sexiest actors I have ever laid eyes on lol, Sean Connery? Just teasing Sartor :)


    Posted By Mysty | Dec 5, 2006
    #18

    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    Mysty........but of course it is Sean...I'm better looking. Just teasing Mysty. Have a happy holiday season.


    Posted By Sartor | Dec 6, 2006
    #19

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