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Discussion in 'Final Edit' started by Sartor, Feb 16, 2007.



    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    IF I SHOULD DIE
    .
    Should Death at midnight take my hand
    Have me depart this windswept land
    Death from thee then, my love would keep
    Would’st thou but...weep.
    .
    Slow funeral marching draws uphill
    But to a single bagpipe trill
    Neath stormy darkened skies I leave
    Would’st thou but...grieve.
    .
    This dry husk lowered in the pit
    And e’er they shoveled in the grit
    Could’st thou but bring a single rose
    The one I...chose.
    .
    That scented rose to thee I sent
    When yearning for thy sweet consent
    In pages of thy book thee press
    Thou told me...yes.
    .
    In sweet submission thee to me
    Thee know thee always held the key
    That would unlock the locks of pain
    But wear the...chain.
    .
    The flat dry rose still holds the scent
    Of all the times that we have spent
    Thy smiles, thy laughter and thy lust
    Now crush to...dust.
    .
    Upon my casket in the grave
    Let rose dust sift on this poor slave
    Thee always knew the truth to be
    I slave...to thee
    .
    SARTOR


    Posted By Sartor | Feb 16, 2007
    #1

  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Sartor,

    Please let us know if you plan to publish this or publish within a book, or whatever the case. There is nothing to change except change for a dollar in my pocket. The "Old English" tone was spot on. This was exquisite, flawless, executed beautifully, rhyme superb, meter spot on, fluidity was perfect, images were well balanced, structurally nice, and my eyes set comfortably with each break of stanza. Bravo dear friend. This is magnifique.

    Kim :)

    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    Hi Kim...........The Poem "If I should Die" was published in 'Poetry Of Sartor' in 2006. It has always been one of my favorite writes. Thanks for letting me know you enjoyed it also.
    Have a great day.............Sar


    Posted By Sartor | Oct 21, 2007
    #3

    JolieH JPiC Contributor

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    Sartor,
    This is lovely, brings to mind Michaelangelo as he wrote many many poems about dieing, and death. I must have your book of poems. I plan to collect all the poem books of my JPIC friends. I really like your style too. Some of the newer poetry is so slight on meaning, I have trouble feeling passioned by it, but your poetry is easy to understand and the language and rhyme are romantic.


    Posted By JolieH | Oct 21, 2007
    #4

    zaac Banned

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    sometimes i i just read your stuff on a whim. i'm glad i did on this one. this is some of your better stuff. this flow works very well for you. it rolls right out your fingers onto paper. i would try this with other subjects, but hey what do i know.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Oct 21, 2007
    #5

    JolieH JPiC Contributor

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    I didn't realize this was in critique,
    In college we are required to make suggestions even if we think the work is great already. Here's my suggestion:

    In sweet submission thee to me
    Thee know thee always held the key
    That would unlock the locks of pain
    But wear the...chain.

    In this stanza you repeat thee three times. perhaps remove the second thee beginning line two.


    Posted By JolieH | Oct 28, 2007
    #6

    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    Zaac...............Thanks for your words. I do try to make all my poetry easily read. If the rhyme and the meter are wirtten correctly, then the reader will have that sense of the words just rolling off the page like a well oiled machine. Have a great day Zaac.


    Posted By Sartor | Oct 29, 2007
    #7

    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    Jolie.........I too am surprised at where this poem ended up being placed. I did not intend it to be here, and whether I made a mistake in placement or if it got moved, who knows. Regardless of the reason, thanks for your comments. As for the three 'thees' in a single stanza, they were written that way to keep the context the same throughout the poem.

    If you want a copy of my book, drop me an email at hoagland13@cox.net and we can make arrangements to send you one. The cost through me would be $10. If you went through Amazon I believe it would be 13.95 plus S & H.


    Posted By Sartor | Oct 29, 2007
    #8

    BloodyTea New Member

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    This is great! I love your choice of words. The average writing in English uses a mere pitiful 1000 word vocabulary. You work has surpassed this standard of normal.


    Posted By BloodyTea | Mar 17, 2016
    #9
  2. Angelic

    rachels New Member

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    This is so sad


    Posted By rachels | Sep 19, 2017
    #10
  3. Angelic

    rachels New Member

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    Great :( I'm crying


    Posted By rachels | Sep 19, 2017
    #11

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