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Discussion in 'Creative Traditional' started by Terence, Jan 22, 2008.



    Terence Member

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    maybe I Do

    I step into the waters – gingerly,
    a toe, and then a foot. It feels – just right.
    I let the lather wash all over me
    as, slowly, I immerse myself – neck height.
    A scented candle flickers silhouettes,
    its fragrance saturating every sense.
    Soft soapy bubbles wash away all threats
    and my ingrained resolve dissolves, relents.
    But as the waters rise around my head,
    back comes the feeling that I'll surely drown.
    Extinguished candle makes its promise dead;
    I let the waters slowly spiral down.
    And as I stand here, naked, soaking wet,
    hot tears are not from fears, nor from regret.


    Posted By Terence | Jan 22, 2008
    #1

    Moonchild Moon Goddess of Whispers

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    Well structured although the meter is a
    little shaky on the 11th line. I stumbled on that a bit.
    Other than that it's very good. Glad you
    found no regrets. Enjoyed!


    Posted By Moonchild | Jan 23, 2008
    #2

    Terence Member

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    Hi Moonchild,

    I appreciate the feedback, it's always good to know what doesn't come across to the reader correctly. I'm glad you enjoyed it otherwise. :)

    Terence


    Posted By Terence | Jan 23, 2008
    #3

    solo New Member

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    Hi Terence....I do think thats just fine as a sonnet...I am fascinated by poems written in iambic pentameter... so smooth are the lines... its like imbibing a glass of red wine....so soothing to the mind...

    I did not detect any problems with the meter the way I read it.....

    I did enjoy that...:)


    Posted By solo | Feb 11, 2008
    #4

    Terence Member

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    Thank you, Solo, the IP beat tends to flow in my mind when writing most of my poetry. The sonnet is a perfect outlet - a pity the words to fit the form don't always come to me so easily. :)

    Terence


    Posted By Terence | Feb 11, 2008
    #5

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