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Discussion in 'Spoken Word & Freestyle' started by yngst, Nov 21, 2006.



    yngst New Member

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    Love lost
    Anothers gain
    The pain hails down like torrential rains
    Tears, once distant in my memory
    Now occur more often than smiles do
    I still remember my I love yous
    The confession I made at the altar
    Has now been altered since you've changed
    Funny how instead of love, only hatred we now exchange
    Love costs nothing except commitment and trust
    Love sometimes is confused with infatuation and lust
    We, sold our soul to great sex and a weakened promise
    Who thought that two experts in life could ever be novice
    My problem was that I neglected to look at your faults
    And You neglected mines
    We thought that a wish would stand the test of times
    We thought our freestyles could stand the best of rhymes
    But our metaphors and similes, were too easy for comprehension
    Thought we had an intergalactic vibe, now its lost in a 3rd dimension
    You were once my exclamation, now you're the period at the end my sentence.
    No vengeance, no vendetta
    No quotes, no love letters
    Only salutations and hope you betters
    Maybe next time we'll both be clever...


    Posted By yngst | Nov 21, 2006
    #1

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    hello laurenance I assume this is your first posting,

    allot of an experience here I found it good the start was pretty
    underwelming,
    the rest built up nicely though showed charisma and sarcasm I liked it
  1. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Hmmm maybe you could revise the beginning to say

    "Our love's loss
    became anothers gain"


    will get back with more thoughts when I can think more clearly.


    Posted By Mysty | Nov 25, 2006
    #3
  2. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    I said WHOA!!!!!!! Hey YNGST - this piece is almost heartbreaking - It would be heartbreaking, but I'm just absolutely loving the rhythm this poem has and the way you laid the words down!

    Very impressive write - So many of us have fallen in that hole of thinking life is but a lily-white dream decorated with pigmy orchids and honeysuckle... This write makes some think twice before thinking that about life - But I wonder if there is some kind of middle ground to be had with the strife?

    I think yes - Love has been given a bad name - but you have dispelled all rumors with this line:

    Love costs nothing except commitment and trust
    Love sometimes is confused with infatuation and lust


    Very nice write! Thanx for sharing it with us AND Welcome to the JPiC Community - If you haven't done so already - please introduce yourself via the Member Introductions thread ;)

    Jacquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Nov 25, 2006
    #4

    Benny New Member

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    I liked what you had to say and loved the way you said it. It does have its own rythym and is easily followed. Clear and honest...I like it.


    Posted By Benny | Nov 25, 2006
    #5

    ladylyric New Member

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    Hey Yngst...
    I like MsJacquiiC too enjoyed this read....Actually Iloved it....I'll tell you why...I love poems that gives me visuals of more than one thing or more than what the believed topic at hand is... I too saw this as a"LOVE LOST" piece sort of sad and blue..But full of thought provoking lines...for instance:
    My problem was that I neglected to look at your faults
    And You neglected mines
    We thought that a wish would stand the test of times


    Beautifully written...so real in that when we speak about love and dream about love we sometimes get caught up in the fairy-tale world of EVERYTHING being perfect sometimes not taking the time to view things and people for what and who they REALLY are....overlooking imperfections and things that later on will affect our relationship with them.....very nice poet...

    I also look at this piece as a "peace" to poetry herself.....how beautiful she is and yet still you hit a bump in the road....seeming as if your relationship is over.(writer block perhaps) but these words here, again my favorite
    My problem was that I neglected to look at your faults
    And You neglected mines........

    We thought our freestyles could stand the best of rhymes
    But our metaphors and similes, were too easy for comprehension

    Thought we had an intergalactic vibe, now its lost in a 3rd dimension
    You were once my exclamation, now you're the period at the end my sentence.
    No vengeance, no vendetta
    No quotes, no love letters......

    Maybe next time we'll both be clever...


    I really love this work here...in terms of poetry not realizing all that's involved in this "art" and when you finally do its a bitter-sweet ending and beginning all in one...its a serious matter of expression and without a great appreciation for it you loose the love you once had for eachother....I fell in love with poetry and I'm so glad it loves me back...

    Anyway..I say all of that to say that I enjoyed the read...poetic love to you..


    Posted By ladylyric | Dec 4, 2006
    #6

    amachristian New Member

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    Now I'm 56 years old but I'll tell you what...as I was reading this, I could hear a rap song in it. Truly, I think it would make a great one and I'm not even into rap...smile. Some of my kids, even though the youngest is now in his twenties, listen to rap and as I read your poem, I couldn't help that the beat and flow was just coming in my head like one of the songs my kids have played on their CD player. Good job indeed!:yes3:
  3. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    AWESOME! Gives me goosebumps ((and the hint of a tear)) to think so fondly of this piece that MS LADY speaks so highly of!

    Now this is JPiC!

    Jacquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Dec 5, 2006
    #8

    yngst New Member

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    thanks ya'll...sorry for not being here more often, work is killing me!


    Posted By yngst | Feb 21, 2007
    #9

    mangodroplet Blue Mango Puppy :]

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    wow.....

    It's just amazing how you brought in life and love and everything else...


    and this poem is so true.
    so sad.

    Jeez Banned

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    Think this is a very good
    way to think and act, when
    the bridge opens wider
    on each end.

    Trying to harm somebody
    at the end of.. a time spent
    careing about that person.

    Gives no Compliment to
    the care yous both had.

    If we are here to improve
    our selves..

    then we must start with
    the actions that are the
    most basic and complicated.

    Only then can we say we
    have achived some real
    enlightenment.

    Just a personal thought
    of what life is and can be.

    Thanks for the read. :clapping:


    Posted By Jeez | Feb 21, 2007
    #11
  4. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    It's all been said on this one, Lawrence...but I have to add my 1 cents....it really pulls you into the whirlpool of feeling, chews you up and spits you out!

    Wonderfully complicated...ithat's love!

    Nomad

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