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Discussion in 'Emotional Romantic' started by Eric, Apr 13, 2008.



    Eric New Member

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    She grips me
    like a warm friendly
    hand

    Her hair
    all around
    caressing us

    A silken nimbus
    embracing us
    entwined

    Our
    sweat
    mingles

    Our
    soul's
    mesh

    Fireworks

    A thousand
    poems
    bloom

    Angels swoon

    And we
    are
    one.


    Posted By Eric | Apr 13, 2008
    #1

    Moonchild Moon Goddess of Whispers

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    Nice imagery.
    A beautiful little poem Eric.
    Much enjoyed, thanks!


    Posted By Moonchild | Apr 14, 2008
    #2

    Eric New Member

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    Moonchild,

    Thank you very much your comments mean a lot. I appreciate you and them.


    Posted By Eric | Apr 14, 2008
    #3
  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Eric,

    This is beautiful and has strong imagery. I think I would look at using the word "us" twice and so closely together. I normally do not do this and that is to suggest additional words as I do not want an artist to feel that I am changing their piece. I corrected the spellings for ya...hope you did not mind.

    However, since you expressed that you don't mind I will proceed by saying that since you have the word "Fireworks" which adds depth and emphasis, perhaps you could experiment with having the word "entwined" separate as I have here for example.

    May help with the structure, flow and add more depth...try it different ways as you like as the author of this beauty, as see what you come up with. Love it!

    Kim :)

    solo New Member

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    Wo-o-o-o-ho-o-o-o-o Eric....very evocative!:)


    Posted By solo | Apr 16, 2008
    #5

    Eric New Member

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    Thanks again solo, I appreciate your feedback.


    Posted By Eric | Apr 17, 2008
    #6

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