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    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


    GreaterValues New Member

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    Hey gang. My name's Andrew. I'm a 15 year old white male in a less-than-fine neighborhood in Southern Ontario. I've only written two pieces of writing since I've begun a few a months ago, but I'm very proud of my work and enjoy rereading it. I never change my work after it's been written because it all comes from the heart, it's all soul. I feel that if I change anything in my writing at all that it is hardly worth referring to as "pure," or "genuine." Well, anyway..this piece of writing is called Not Sheep, But Shepherds.

    Not Sheep, But Shepherds
    The sky is the limit for men with no goals
    And Hell is the goal for the man with no soul
    These men are voted into seat through polls
    Misguided votes cast into boxes for lies
    They say their aim is for the betterment of lives
    But I see through the fake facade, through the disguise
    I know their true intentions for my people
    I know of their plans to tear down homes and religious steeples
    Words with no genuinity that are not true, nor meaningful
    And so I grab the hand of my fellow man
    And we will take an absolutely righteous stand
    Opposing the defiling of our sacred native land
    Because of broken, corrupted politics, we are not fans
    But of those who preach the Spoken Word
    The real, heartfelt, verbal spurs
    We are not sheep, but shepherds

    Give to me only brutally honest feedback. I seek only the betterment and progression of my own writing abilities.

    Azekiel-Horizon New Member

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    Whats good my fellow poet? I really enjoyed this piece I like the whole vibe of the piece it had like a political theme to it. The first two lines of the piece really stood out to me. Which is a good thing because if a piece of work as a great opener then I'm hooked and your piece was good from begining to end. Continue to write and dropping gems like this I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.

    aztek New Member

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    I enjoyed reading it and the political context makes it interesting.


    Posted By aztek | Feb 17, 2011
    #3

    GreaterValues New Member

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    Wow, what a positive reaction! Thanks a million guys, you'll be glad to know that I'll be posting a poem called "Sticks and Stones," it's about my criminal history and how I've changed over time.

    Curtis Spider Lee Curtis Spider Lee

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    Ok, i've read your work and I have found it to be quite interesting.
    As a young man, you think very deeply. You seem very keen about your physical and spiritual
    environment. WELL DONE!
    Although your work is free-style, I believe it may fare better in the JPIC's "Spiritual" form.
    Thanks for sharing Andrew!
    :welcome:to the JPIC Family!
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Hi Andrew = Welcome to JPiC :jpicwelcome:
    Please familiarize yourself with the JPiC Posting Policy. Feel free to edit your avatar, as well as update your profile info to include your current info.

    Just a brief comment about the underlined portion quoted above... You'll eventually gain a deep appreciation for the editing process. As a writer - it's always sweet to have that pure, genuine idea. It's what keeps us writing. It's a high of sorts and we are addicted to it: the pure, genuine idea. BUT - perfecting your work through what can sometimes become a tedious editing process is what will get you published, if in fact publishing is something you're interested in. Just my 2 cents :)

    About your poem:
    Wow --nice flow. I'm super-impressed at how naturally and delicately your rhyme scheme flowed. Sometimes rhymining poetry can be somewhat "expected" as if you can sense the next rhyme. You know what I mean? But your piece didn't force the rhyme at all and I found it a nice read because of that.

    As for the politics of your piece = we do love writing about those things that gall us rright LOL - where there's passion and opinion co-mingled together, there's the makings of passionate poetry.

    Yeah! Definitely liking the flow ==> seems like strength through perserverance.

    I'm a bit confused though... I don't know you or your background, so I'm confused by what this "sacred native land" is that you speak of. Well perhaps "confused" is not quite the word - "curious" is a better word - I'm curious about what inspired this piece. Care to break it down for us?

    Whatever the case may be - thanks for the share - this was a delightfully inspiring piece to read, in a totally "fight the power" type of way of course:orc:

    Jacquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Feb 17, 2011
    #6

    GreaterValues New Member

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    [MENTION=159]Curtis Spider Lee[/MENTION]
    Hey, thanks for the input. I'll take a gander at the "Spiritual" section and decide if the feel of those poems are to my style.

    @Jacquii
    I refer to my country, to my neighborhood, to the areas I hung around as a kid and the areas that I hang around now. These are the things to which I refer as my "native land."

    Also, thanks a million for the input. Thanks another million for this forum. I've been dying to share my work with an experienced poet and get some legitimate insight. Which is not to say that the others who have left their comments aren't also seasoned poets.

    jakeminick McGonagall's Ghost

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    pretty cool. keep workin. i like the "But of those who preach the Spoken Word" part, as i think some of the most amazing truths have been passed on by "bards". peace.


    Posted By jakeminick | Feb 20, 2011
    #8
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Ah - that explains a little bit. Makes me wonder what's going on in your neighborhood though. Something's gotten you riled up LOL.

    And you're welcome - Indeed there are quite a few extremely talented and seasoned writers here at JPiC - So thanks so much for the kind words!


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Feb 21, 2011
    #9

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