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Discussion in 'Spoken Word & Freestyle' started by Benny, Jan 9, 2007.



    Benny New Member

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    Morning comes
    slicing as hot schrapnet
    in desert dried eyes
    that stare unblinkingly
    at my life,
    replaying all failures
    like a broken record,
    reflecting against the
    pain of life.

    Morning comes
    crashing hard upon this
    cardboard life of mine,
    weak and fraudulent
    before you,
    unable to hide now
    this barren shell of waste
    simply proven to be
    only me.


    Posted By Benny | Jan 9, 2007
    #1

    lanaia74 New Member

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    :lol3: :cold: This was brilliant! Your descriptive words were totally AWESOME! VERY well done, indeed!:cheers:


    Posted By lanaia74 | Jan 10, 2007
    #2

    Altree94 VIP Member

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    Kind of hard on yourself, aren't you Benny?!!! "Barren shell of waste"?????? What's up with THAT????
    Or is it that "only me" refers to humanity in the face of God "the Morning"?
    Either way, and whether I agree or not, I still have to admire the way you have presented this poem. Not only is it richly descriptive, it is extremely thought provoking!
    BTW- what is schrapnet? shrapnel?

    :ff-boy:


    Posted By Altree94 | Jan 14, 2007
    #3
  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Benny,

    I agree with Ms Tree, wow is this thought provoking, as my mind meanders, and ebbs and flows. You have painted such a sad diary of someone. Very vivid, and real. I want to reach my hand through this screen and hold the hand that this poem belongs to. I do not believe you are the voice in this piece, just the poet. Thank you for this one Benny. Always something to see, that puts our lives, and sometimes our own problems in perspective, if we open ourselves to being sensitive of others. We are all soldiers in this. Take Care my friend.

    {{~~**Painted**~~}}
  2. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Hey BENNY - I love descriptive poetry AND this piece is definitely that. You may think of me strange (I mean who doesn't - right?) But it sounds to me like the morning after a wild crack-binge of a weekend... You're poem...

    Not that I know anything about that -- mind you -- but I've heard such binges described as "coming down" - that's what the crash signifies to me...

    Make me wonder though - What is your motivation/inspiration for writing this one?

    At anyrate - interesting write to say the very least.
    Thanx for sharing it.

    JAcquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Jan 15, 2007
    #5

    dazamaru Member

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    nice...very dramatic..


    Posted By dazamaru | Jan 16, 2007
    #6
  3. Angelic

    stardust JPiC Contributor

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    Dear Benny: Your Poetical Inspirations have indeed, touched my heart. But, I see a sad soul in this Poem. Are you sad, sweetheart, or is it just another Poem??...I wonder. Yes!! It is a sad Poem. Anyway, it is so LOVELY, in the way you put your thoughts into words!! Thank you for sharing it, sweet Benny!! Hugs. Sincerely, Stardust.:trombone:


    Posted By stardust | Jan 17, 2007
    #7

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