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    mountainpepper Member

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    Twisted, gnarled, bent and broken.
    Dead limbs belie the tortuous years when thrived.
    Eroded landscapes display, layers of eons passed by
    Where nomadic mans footsteps, once trod and so survived.

    Jewels of desert beauty hang, and use their scent to reach,
    Through beckoning colour, the nomadic bird and bee who need
    To be tantalized to fertilize, so when each flower dries,
    A fruit is formed to hide, the need for traveling seed.

    Late summer breezes dance, across wavering grasses,
    Far as the eye can see now yellowing straw,
    With heads emptying, dispersed by wind, or eaten,
    By finches, parrots, doves and more.

    Where all around this death before decay,
    Lies hidden embryo's sheltered in a protective case,
    Defying browsing stock, which trample and churn the soil.
    The seed lives waiting, dry and hard in a hiding place.

    Shifting, drifting, migrating with the wind,
    Scattered grains of dust are rife.
    Crevices, cracks or any rocky fracture,
    Fill and cover…becoming a grave for dormant life.

    'Tis the gentle fall that lasts all day,
    Infiltrating the particles, seeping in between,
    Changing the land from pink to shades of brown.
    In three short days a billion seeds, display a landscape green.

    SarahNSH New Member

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    Hello again!

    I really like how you look at nature and the first line of your first stanza started off your poem nicely and got me to ask the question of "What?" is twisted, gnarled, ect. My mind immediately wanted to know and find out the answer to this question, thinking of a tree, a person, and many other different images that could fit with your descriptors.

    Crevices, cracks or any rocky fracture,
    For this line above it reads better to me without the or, but this is completely up to you and just my opinion, of course. So, it would read:
    Crevices, cracks, any rocky fracture,

    The line after the one highlighted I really did like how it said "become a grave for dormant life." This is a great description and a unique way of thinking with where the seed ends it's not actually the beginning where it can grow, but places like these it ends up being the grave for the seed.

    I liked how you ended it as well and I think you did a good job overall with this poem. Thank you for sharing it with us and keep on writing away!


    Posted By SarahNSH | Apr 22, 2008
    #2

    mountainpepper Member

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    G'day SarahNSH again...
    Thanks for reading and commenting again on a poem of mine, and I appreciate what you had to say on leaving out 'or'. On reading the poem again I think you have a good point on deleting the word 'or' and I'll give it a go. It is good to get feedback like you provided with a positive point of view.

    Thanks again Sarah.

    Lindsay

    JolieH JPiC Contributor

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    I really enjoyed this,
    The landsacape is painted so well. The fall described beautifully.


    Posted By JolieH | Apr 23, 2008
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    mslit New Member

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    Elegant approach to the cycles of life. Good title, too.

    I have two suggestions: First, I think you have many more commas than you need, and sometimes they interrupt the thought. (I know I get into editing too much). Second, in the third stanza, last line, drop "and more" or use the name of a bird (s).

    Favorite line: The seed lives waiting, dry and hard in a hiding place.


    Posted By mslit | Apr 25, 2008
    #5

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