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How do you feel about this poem?

It is well-executed. 1 vote(s) 50.0%
It is passable. 1 vote(s) 50.0%
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    R.J. Robledo New Member

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    Renaissance and a Birthday

    Happy Birthday, Dad, we say

    On this rightly honored day.

    Pomp and splendor are not here;

    We have love and common cheer.

    Where are the trumpets, flags, and rings?

    Does not this party need these things?

    Here are the hearts that love you dear.

    Can not you see it year on year?

    Where are the dainty and hearty foods?

    What’s festivity without these goods?

    Here is the simple birthday cake,

    Which your own son and daughter baked.

    Where are the carpets, riots of silk

    That signify festive persons’ ilk?

    They are absent, I must confess,

    Yet does that show our loving less?

    Nay, it’s not by trinkets, nor by tack,

    That one’s love is known or shown to lack.

    It’s not that we would balk at price

    If once we found a gift was nice,

    But that there’s little, at attainable cost

    That would befit you, and so the case is lost.

    And yet again, what could we buy,

    But with money that you supply?

    God gives us, through you, our needs;

    Thus our gifts are empty deeds.

    Really, what can creatures do,

    Lest their Maker see them through?

    All good there is comes from on high;

    We of ourselves will only die.

    We are unable to commit good

    That’s not been afore ordained we should.

    Yet in His mercy, love, and grace,

    He does regard our kind and place.

    For we are but asked to trust his Word;

    It suits us best to obey our Lord.

    He is the Great Composer of the Heavens;

    We are his servants, his diverse musicians.

    Therefore, we see, in plainest sight

    That God’s the source of all that’s right.

    We thank Thee, Father, Lord of Hosts,

    Of all we love, we love Thee most.

    Thank you, Lord, for the father we have,

    Who helps us, teaches us, makes us laugh.

    And, Dad, we wish to thank you, too,

    For everything you’re kind to do.

    There also is —but should I tell?

    Yes I shall, for you know this well!

    In days to come, less than a week,

    Great festivities we shall seek.

    On we go to the Renaissance Fair!

    To seek out mirth, like a dragon’s lair.

    There the times of old are shown;

    More than that —they seem to own

    The very ground on which they sit.

    What greater place a party fits?

    We, God-willing, shall celebrate there,

    Joyful in heart, diminished in care.

    A time to remember the past,

    Not as it was, but how it has last.

    And so we wish you, dear Dad, the best.

    Happy Birthday, and may you be blest!

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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Nice write = I voted passable, mainly because it is passable. Besides if I'd voted "It is well-executed." - that'd leave very little room for improvement :p

    I like the sentiments in this piece though: love, respect, admiration, gratitude:

    I'm sure your Dad appreciate these sentiments too!

    Some rhyming poetry (when not executed flawlessly) can seem a bit forced, unlike natural speech pattern. This is the challenge of rhyming poetry: to make it seem natural and unforced. That being said, there are a few spots in thsi piece which do seem forced.

    Perhaps it also has to do with the formatting as well though. You've left the piece as one huge block of text. Formatting into stanzas may make the piece "click" more sweetly for the reader. Especially when you pivot from the original motif into the spiritual/religious realm...

    At anyrate = A nice first share with the community ==> Thanks!

    J.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Feb 17, 2012
    #2
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    Wind WindXSaul

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    it so sweet..make me think of my daddy


    Posted By Wind | Feb 19, 2012
    #3

    R.J. Robledo New Member

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    Thanks, everyone, for the kind words and helpful critique.

    Okay, here comes for a much more despondent, much less structured, "free verse" experiment.
    I am not very proud of it, but here goes: Tourism by R.J. Robledo

    [modnote]As per the JPiC Posting Policy = only one written work per started thread please... ;)[/modnote]
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Looking forward to reading the new piece, which I've moved to it's own thread ;)

    J.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Mar 2, 2012
    #5

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