Welcome to JPiC Forum For Writers! Please log in or sign up to interact with our Community.
  1. Welcome!

    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!

Discussion in 'The Rant Room' started by ~Serenity~, Oct 19, 2006.



    ~Serenity~ ~Pixie Princess~

    Member Since:
    Aug 10, 2006
    Message Count:
    254
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Home page:
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +0 / 0 / -0

    A Prayer Of Sorts

    A Prayer... Of Sorts
    The colors have all faded
    My sights become so jaded
    My smile is so freaking fake
    This pain I just can't take

    Yes I bleed to check and see
    If there's still a heart in me
    Why can't you believe what I've become
    After all I've seen and done

    I don't want your stupid sympathy
    I'll just return it with icy apathy
    You don't want to help, you stupid liar
    Too bad you can't put out this fire

    Too bad for you it's already out
    See the faded smile covering my pout
    I gave up oh so long ago
    How long it's been I just don't know

    Now it's all a twisted game
    You all act so the-goddamn-same
    I twist your little minds around
    And my reality is never found

    The reality that I live alone
    Would curl hair and shatter bone
    Darkness, pain, and devastation
    No trust, no hope, just molestation

    But blindly day by day
    You live, you laugh, you play
    While inside, alone, I cry
    And wish I could just fucking die

    I won't let you look inside
    To point and laugh or maybe chide
    I don't want your f**king 'cure,'
    Not from you, so fakely pure

    I'd rather die than live your way
    In fact, can I die anyway
    To leave this amazing unbearable pain
    Let loose the lightning with the rain

    There's nothing left to hold me here
    Why the hell do I still hold tears
    When all I want is a slice away
    Save the pain for another life, another day

    Why the heck can't I get out
    Instead I'm left to scream and shout
    Kicking and screaming, sanity in danger,
    No outlet for pain except my anger.

    Do you see it now, the reason for my badness
    It's a side-effect of this f**king madness
    Swirling around inside my soul
    So Lord, if you're reading, just let me go.
    ~Serenity~

    I wrote this a long time ago... Had to edit before I posted it on here... I don't think aunt Tree would like it the way it originally was lol! Just posted because I felt SO much better after getting it out! And feedback is always nice - hard to critique my own emotions afterall.


    Posted By ~Serenity~ | Oct 19, 2006
    #1

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

    Member Since:
    Aug 6, 2006
    Message Count:
    1,711
    Trophy Points:
    53
    Home page:
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +15 / 0 / -0
    twisted a bit well very much, had good rhyme I odn't think this was menat to put the reader at ease but my only complaint is some peopel it might make angry since you don't target a person you target the reader,
    mostly great write, disastrous pain, all with good flow and a specific messgae that was pretty not good but added shock value

    Altree94 VIP Member

    Member Since:
    Aug 8, 2006
    Message Count:
    842
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Tyendinaga Mohawk Territory
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Hey Sweetie!
    You didn't have to edit just for me! (I am glad you thought of me though!) If it helps you feel better, you just go ahead and write any damn thing you want!
    I was also much relieved that this is an OLD one! That seems to imply that things have gotten better for you since I have found you again, and there is no way I'm ever going to lose you again!
    I liked Erik's comments - although I don't agree that it should have a more specific target. He saw it as targeting the reader. I see it as ranting against the world in general and maybe against God as well. This is the Rant Room after all, and a good rant can lose something if you get too explicit with the details.
    So write on, Sweetie, and do whatever you gotta do to get rid of the crap and move on!
    LYL,
    Auntie Tree.


    Posted By Altree94 | Oct 21, 2006
    #3

    ~Serenity~ ~Pixie Princess~

    Member Since:
    Aug 10, 2006
    Message Count:
    254
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Home page:
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Hi Erik! You're right, some people might take it a little personally... In which case, they should stay away from a forum full of angry poetry and rantings, hehe. I know it's a bit of a downside, but it works with the poem.

    Hey Aunt Tree! Yes, I did have to edit it - alot! Even as it is now, there was a lot MORE hm swearing and such. But yeah - I also wasn't too sure about the rules on cuss words for posting... Don't wanna get in trouble :) "Rant against God" How perfect - This is written at the time I stopped believing. Not gonna say things got better, but they couldnt get worse from that one night. You "found" me? I wasn't lost... You saw me every year! Except those few years I wouldn't come... But... that's all done. Don't plan on going anywhere either.

    Smiles!,
    ~Serenity~


    Posted By ~Serenity~ | Oct 21, 2006
    #4

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

    Member Since:
    Aug 6, 2006
    Message Count:
    1,711
    Trophy Points:
    53
    Home page:
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +15 / 0 / -0
    yes serenity i'm glad your not upset by my comments some people can be rather defensive about their poetry, my only point is you should make it clearer that God's the target which can easily be done, I took it as a poem not rant as it had qualities of apoem mostly, with rants in between lines,
    but this side is usually a hidden side of most people, but if its really how you feel it might be the most constructive and entertaining(for me) way to get it out so in mind mind this poem was top-notch
  1. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

    Member Since:
    Jun 8, 2006
    Message Count:
    5,998
    Trophy Points:
    198
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    In a cloud of smoke...
    Home page:
    Books:
    2
    Ratings Received:
    +134 / 1 / -0
    I know some fucking hypocrits that could well benefit from this, instead they sit on the sidelines fucking over each other ---- never knowing anyone to trust... Their fowl fuckers who really deserve nothing but an unanswered prayer and a swift death in the fire of this anger we seem to share.

    SERENITY - powerful piece.

    I hate pitful fuckers who laugh when the ache they soothe away with crack rock and cocaine... smiling fakely in your face while hating you with svengali tricks.

    To bad their more often than not what I have to call family.

    Life sucks - Good poem
    Thanx for sharing it!
    -----------------
    -----------------

    feels good to vent girl!
    thanx!

    Jacquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Oct 23, 2006
    #6

    ~Serenity~ ~Pixie Princess~

    Member Since:
    Aug 10, 2006
    Message Count:
    254
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Home page:
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Erik: If I was going to be defensive about my poetry, I would be better off keeping it to myself :) Hehe... And you have a good idea there, about specifying that it is towards "God" except that really, it is towards humanity as well. I mean, as Ms J pointed out, we all know people like that! And... guilty secret: When I wrote it, I wanted to offend everyone! ehehe. Nah, really, interpretation is entirely up to the reader. If they want to think I accuse them of offering false sympathies... Well it's a free forum :)

    Ms J: Glad you enjoyed my random outburst of anger :) And let out a little steam of your own - but that's the point of the rant room isn't it? :) But I think you're right on! Far too many people out there like that, and somehow we always seem to know these people personally. Yuck.

    Smiles!,
    ~Serenity~


    Posted By ~Serenity~ | Oct 24, 2006
    #7

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

    Member Since:
    Aug 6, 2006
    Message Count:
    1,711
    Trophy Points:
    53
    Home page:
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +15 / 0 / -0
    yeah its fine how it is then, its in the right place then

    Amzy A friend, Well met.

    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2006
    Message Count:
    196
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Now I am curious about the original. This was was pretty angry, and perfect for a rant. I don't think you need to worry about offending anyone, political correctness is the way of the dark side, it leads to weakness, and this is a strong poem.


    Posted By Amzy | Nov 2, 2006
    #9

    ~Serenity~ ~Pixie Princess~

    Member Since:
    Aug 10, 2006
    Message Count:
    254
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Home page:
    Books:
    0
    Ratings Received:
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Hey - I didn't edit for "political correctness", I just toned down the language. As for the original... I have it somewhere still. I like it better than this version lol. But I don't show the original version - it's password protected on another site. Just so I don't lose it. lol. Thanks though - "strong" I like that word.

    Smiles!,
    ~Serenity~


    Posted By ~Serenity~ | Nov 7, 2006
    #10

We hope you're enjoying our forum!

Only registered Members have access to posting priviledges. Registration here is 100% FREE. Use the button below to begin registration or the form on the right to login to your account.

Forgot your password?

Share This Page

GreetingsGalleryOnline.com