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  1. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Revision....Which is better?
    Sleeping Beauty


    In Stasis
    a sleeping beauty
    existing in the moment.
    Feeling expectation
    waiting.
    He has not arrived
    still her heart calls out to him
    sending visions of rose red lips
    moist and parted.. awaiting
    his urge to taste ...

    In Stasis,
    visions of family life
    sharing and pledging
    to themselves;
    a fulfilled sense
    of coming home .
    Within her heart
    she is awaiting his arrival
    with a longing to consumate
    this dream with reality.

    In Stasis
    the heart only dreams
    and visions wing their way
    to him.... soft supple skin,
    rose hued blushes
    hidden by cloth
    passion that burns
    like an eternal flame
    unending... in Stasis.


    © 2007 Mysty Johnson


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Original

    Sleeping Beauty

    In Stasis
    like a sleeping beauty
    existing in the moment.
    Feeling the expectation
    of something bound to happen
    and waiting.....waiting...
    He has not arrived
    and still this heart calls out to him
    sending visions of rose red lips
    moist and parted.. awaiting
    his urge to taste heaven.

    In Stasis,
    visions of family life
    sharing and swearing
    pledges to ourselves;
    commitment,
    a sense of coming home
    awaits his arrival
    and within her heart is
    a longing to consummate
    this dream with reality.

    In Stasis
    the heart only dreams
    and visions wing their way
    to him.... soft supple skin,
    rose hued blushes in places not
    visible over cloth
    passion that burns
    like the eternal flame
    unending... in Stasis.


    © 2007 Mysty Johnson


    Posted By Mysty | Oct 19, 2007
    #1

  2. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Hey MYSTY - this poem speaks of longing... Two lovers anticipating the ultimate reunion so that they may have their own personal heaven...

    I like the original version - There's much more description of WHY the anticipation and what is to happen during the union: "to taste heaven" really speaks to me, as I've been in this sort of anticipation for years really. Sleeping Beauty is a nice title for this poem, it gives off the essense of "waiting.....waiting..." Possibly even Sleepwalking Beauty (((don't ask me where that came from LOL)))

    In this poem though - I'd loved to have seen a resolution to the stasis - But a really nice write = Thanx for the sharing ;)

    JAcquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Oct 19, 2007
    #2
  3. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Mysty,

    :wow: Such an elegant piece of work here. Very rich in emotion and longing. I love the original version Mysty. The title is most fitting and just from the title alone you captured me. Then knowing your writing style, I was not disappointed with the content. You always give us something to ponder and the message in the poem is executed beautifully and the feelings of longing were crystal clear. I also love the word "Stasis" used, it was refreshing and added that depth we have come to love in your poetry.....that Mysty magic. Bravo Mysty!

    PD :)

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    very nice I'd have to say it makes me a geek but the word stasis was key and framed the scenario very well

    JolieH JPiC Contributor

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    I love Sleeping Beauty. It is my favorite of the classic, waiting for prince charming, fairy tales. Isn't she a timeless beauty suspended in a state of stasis. I like the first version too.


    Posted By JolieH | Oct 19, 2007
    #5
  4. Artistic

    Mysty JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    *sighs* ...... I like both versions but more and more become partial to the rewrite. I was told that the "Urge to taste heaven" is cliche'd and yes I can see it being a cliche' to use the word heaven in conjunction with pleasure but... any word I use there in place of heaven will also be cliche'd so I took the word out all together and left it to each readers interpretation. meh I still think it needs works ..... or is this the eternal self editor in me reacting excessively? Thank You for the wonderful comments Ms.Jacquii, Kim, Erik, and Jolie. I will think on this some more I guess.


    Mysty


    Posted By Mysty | Oct 21, 2007
    #6
  5. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Hmmm - Cliche or not - I think the phrase "taste heaven" offers a wonderful imagery to the poem and is layered quite nicely into the Sleeping Beauty motif :)

    Jacquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Oct 21, 2007
    #7

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