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    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Song of David

    I am an enamored bathed soul
    sensations once thought taboo and extinct
    now a transcendent love takes a majestic stroll

    Galaxies glean amethyst rainbow potpourri
    when I hear your tranquil silken voice
    a caramel caged dove flies free

    I've never seen the Moon look so sumptuous
    when seen that night with you
    never seen that kind of Moon before
    from my heart to yours; reflection festooned

    Your mouth tastes love letters all over me
    preserve me in your empyreal bottle
    cast me in the tenderness of your embracing sea

    Aloft in ethereal spun sheets we lay
    silhouette consummating a hummingbird’s flight
    intrinsically accepting your liquid crystal marmalade
    secrets finally told on a lovers wedding night

    I've never seen the Moon look so sumptuous
    when seen that night with you
    never seen that kind of Moon before
    from my heart to yours; reflection festooned

    I will sing unto thee among the heavens
    when my hair’s painted wisdom’s gray
    aged hands slipping; holding your face

    Taking that sumptuous Moon to my grave.


    zaac Banned

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    this is kind of a celestial crescendo. i really like this part

    Your mouth tastes love letters all over me
    preserve me in your empyreal bottle
    cast me in the tenderness of your embracing sea

    Aloft in ethereal spun sheets we lay
    silhouette consummating a hummingbird’s flight
    intrinsically accepting your liquid crystal marmalade
    secrets finally told on a lovers wedding night

    this is sweet

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Feb 16, 2007
    #2

    mangodroplet Blue Mango Puppy :]

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    I *heart* this part

    Aloft in ethereal spun sheets we lay
    silhouette consummating a hummingbird’s flight
    intrinsically accepting your liquid crystal marmalade
    secrets finally told on a lovers wedding night


    it's so...romantic...

    i'm just curious...were you hungry when you wrote this...? ;)

    Jeez Banned

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    Ahhhh....

    You had me here:

    ""I've never seen the Moon look so sumptuous
    when seen that night with you
    never seen that kind of Moon before
    from my heart to yours; reflection festooned

    Your mouth tastes love letters all over me
    preserve me in your empyreal bottle
    cast me in the tenderness of your embracing sea""

    You then let me
    float tenderly till
    you got to here:

    ""I will sing unto thee among the heavens
    when my hair’s painted wisdom’s gray
    aged hands slipping; holding your face

    Taking that sumptuous Moon to my grave.""

    Awwwwwwwwwwwwww....

    Just Beautiful.... ahhhhhhhhhh. :yay:


    Posted By Jeez | Feb 16, 2007
    #4
  2. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Isaac....thank you for reading my poem.....this one is indeed special. :wub:

    Dear Ms Mango----->Thank you for reading & commenting, and uhhhhh no comment!! LOL!!;)

    Dear Jeez--->I alway look forward to your poems as well as your replies. I got my "Jeez" poetic stamp of approval!! Now there is NO stopping me now!! Love Ya' Jeez!! :D

    Benny New Member

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    What a beautifully expressed and delivered love poem...I feel the need to bring a tear vase near my eyes...just a perfectly written song from the heart! Does anyone know what a tear vase is? I bet Kim does...yeah.


    Posted By Benny | Feb 16, 2007
    #6

    ~Serenity~ ~Pixie Princess~

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    Painted!! Awwwh!! I've been reading a lot of especially-pretty pieces lately, but this is just... amazing! You had my attention and my heart through the whole thing.. but then..:

    "I will sing unto thee among the heavens
    when my hair’s painted wisdom’s gray
    aged hands slipping; holding your face

    Taking that sumptuous Moon to my grave."

    That just sealed it. I'm feeling teary =) Thanks for pointing this one out to me!!

    Smiles!,
    ~Serenity~


    Posted By ~Serenity~ | Feb 16, 2007
    #7

    Amzy A friend, Well met.

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    Interesting imagery, Painted Kim.

    In the first paragraph, something is taking a stroll, but I can't figure out if i's the love or the sensations. If the love takes the stroll, then there should be no comma. If the sensations are strolling, then "takes" should not have the 's'.

    I love the potpourri galaxy, that's an excellent description of a beautiful night sky, and it sounds so romantic.

    Good timing to bring in the sumptuous moon, and repeating the image at the end of the poem ties your work together quite nicely.

    The empyrean bottle is odd to me as well, as empyrean is the noun form of the word, but you are using it as an adjective. Do you mean empyreal?

    Your cherished brocade sheets paragraph is the only one that doesn't have some sort of heavenly feel to it, and it seems a little out of place. Until this paragraph I was picturing an outdoor scene, and the sheets bring the illusion to a crash.

    Your perspective changes from first person to second throughout the poem, which is mostly well done leaves ambiguity in the paragraph beginning "Never seen a moon...". You could mean "I've never" or "You've never".

    I love how you express how dearly you hold the memory by saying you will take it to your grave. Well done.


    Posted By Amzy | Feb 16, 2007
    #8
  3. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thanks Amzy-------->Going to rework it now!! Love Ya'!!!!!!

    {{{{~~~***PAINTED KIM~~~***}}}}
  4. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I know I commented verbally, but Kim, this is a loving and lovely song that you have sung...you keep strumming the right strings - play on..play on, Queen Painted!!


    brocade sheets - what about starlit sheets?

    Nomad

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    lovely poem too romantic for me, jk

    I liked lots of parts and found it very sensual and intriguing

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    too add acouple things
    the moon part is very good,
    and its so clasic when peopel love each other they find soemthing they love in nature or the backround so they have something to hold onto
    so great poem kim,
    and your defantly branching the right way

    Intricate soul intricate soul

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    will sing unto thee among the heavens
    when my hair’s painted wisdom’s gray
    aged hands slipping; holding your face

    Taking that sumptuous Moon to my grave.




    Kimberly,
    That thought of forever lingers on in my mind, like my first kiss; a truly special moment that needs to be treasured for what it was then. LOVE IT!!

    Jeez Banned

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    Kim,

    Your improvements only
    bring out the lights....

    of what was already
    there.

    Thanks for this intense
    melody.


    :swoon:


    Posted By Jeez | Feb 17, 2007
    #14
  5. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thank you Ms Serenity, Erik, Intricate, Benny, Ms Nomad, and Jeez for sharing in my first song. Thank you for taking precious time to read and comment. Tis what keeps me going, and my ink well full. ;)

    Kimberly
  6. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Hey KIM - :wow: You've got some FABULOUS commentary for this "Song of David" So I shall add mine as well...

    The quoted above, especially the "Galaxies glean amethyst rainbow potpourri" line, has to be one of the most beautiful phrases in ALL of poetry! Your use of alliteration works EXTREMELY well in the stanza... "caramel caged dove flies free"

    Now - that line for me seals it! Gotta love the essense of the caged-dove embracing his freedom! Of course I'm all about the emancipation from the "ball & chain" --- And of course the dove represents a kind of supreme serenity/freedom... To think that Freedom can possibly be free - Just an interesting concept. Novel idea.

    This poem is so "free" --- Seriously the rhythm and flow of the poem is right on point to the very last line.

    The image you present with the very last line is UNFATHOMABLE STRENGTH. It's like you've stolidly concluded "Freedom is mine, until my very last breath. And even then it will still be mine!"

    When you put all these concepts together - this poem (to me anyway) is about embracing freedom not only for youself, but for Your Self (which is possibly your own soul mate) Courageous gesture - no doubt!

    Very nice poem MS KIM - I enjoyed this one immensely!
    Exquisite piece of poetry Girl - You betta work!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanx for the share!

    Jacquii.
  7. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Ms Jacquii.....I must come back to type my reply, gettin all misty here.
  8. Angelic

    stardust JPiC Contributor

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    OH!! My dearest Ms. Painted, Kim!! WOW!! WOW!! WOW!! You have transported me into a Flight to the Moon. Some magical views, you conveyed in your majestical MASTERPIECE. You indeed, have GREAT TALENTS INSIDE YOU, that you´ve never discovered before. Now, in your attempt of discovering new things inside yourself, you might stand in awe. You nourish the readers with your most inner Spiritual Wealth. Your poetical nourishments enchant the readers. The MUSE inside the Poet, you, just overflow. You inner essence glows across the words, in the lovely way you make them flow. Your MASTERPIECE is Praiseworthy. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ, our Saviour!! A Great Poetess was Born!! God bless you, sweetheart!! I would like to INVITE YOU TO READ MY LAST POEM/ SONG, in the Spiritual Poetry Forum. I called it: "MY SEEDS ARE FREE, AT LAST." Let me tell you that, I am not as good as yourself...I must improve a lot to become the one, I really want to be. However, I am doing my best. Congratulations on your work, Ms. Painted, Kim!! Kind Regards. Sincerely, Starry.:serenade: :serenade:


    Posted By stardust | Feb 19, 2007
    #18
  9. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Ms Stardust :giftrose:,

    I am in awe of your comment, and yes, you have no idea how discovering new things now are such a part of my life after twenty some years of internal turmoil churning. This made me cry as did the other posts. I owe it all to AMZY, who has been there for me always to help me write the best way I can. He is a tough and lovable critic and I love him. He helped me craft this to Master Level. I always look for ways to improve as well. I am a teacher yes, however, will always be a student. I do thank God for ALL my talents for I have many. It is time to show the world------>Painted Diary. Thank you so much for the humbling comments. I cannot see the board for I am misty, so having said that take care, and it will be a pleasure to review your poem. Much love and many hugs to you.


    Love,

    {{{PAINTED KIM}}}
  10. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear AMZY:giftrose:,

    Thank you so much for helping bring the best out of my song. From the beginning I asked you to help, you said you were tough, i said great, and you said...ok you asked for it, lol. Now look what you have helped me achieve. My song may not be great, but it is great to me, and I owe it all to you. So I want to personally thank you my friend, and I love ya to.

    {{{{~~~***PAINTED KIM***~~~}}}}

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