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    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    My life,
    gets to me,
    it's grinding my bones,
    occasionally,

    Everytime I run to you,
    you say you're already used,
    who knew that smile that sucks you in,
    could be so cruel,

    No matter who you are,
    I feel we share blood,
    yet some of you,
    some of you,
    won't recognize us,
    I do it all myself,
    put it on my mind to sit,
    while you immediately judge,
    I'm not worth a cent,

    When you reach the forest or those treasured orange groves,
    realize I've beat my mind dead,
    to make you understand it's not a show,
    I'm not your stepping stone,
    step on me and into the water you'll be thrown,

    I guess you imagine that,
    I'm sitting here doing all I can,
    if I'm not enough find your own damn way to paradise,

    here we are skipping stones,
    across the water,
    must you know my very soul is so hollow,
    because I spent all my mind on our private time,
    and I spent all my spirit just to hear that
    your really mine,

    All's well just read the no vacancy sign,
    I'm not your stepping stone,
    or the guy you tell your girls you own,
    say look at that dog who borrowed a rock,
    Ms.Cinderella guess what its 12 o'clock,

    it's all fixed no more risk,
    and I never got to know what I forgot,
    how to love,
    is oblivious to everyone.

    Echoes Poetic Princess

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    I like your emotion and tone

    in the second stanza, second line, it should be "you're" or "you are"

    this is my favorite stanza:

    here we are skipping stones,
    across the water,
    must you know my very soul is so hollow,
    because I spent all my mind on our private time,
    and I spent all my spirit just to hear that
    your really mine,


    nice write:yayjpic:


    Posted By Echoes | Dec 7, 2006
    #2

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    thank you echoes I corrected the mistake, the fact that you have afavorite part shows that you care thanks allot,

    I think david Blaine is frickin cool too

    lanaia74 New Member

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    You paonted a great picture here, your pen being the brush! Totally AWESOME!


    Posted By lanaia74 | Dec 8, 2006
    #4

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    thanks Lania, thats a prety good complement one of the ones I like the most,
    since I wish I could paint well

    mbironneau Member

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    I love the way you seem to use two different types of style in this poem. Some lines (e.g. 4th stanza 1st line) you use a lot of visual imagery and, as Lania rightly put it, you paint a very detailed picture, and on other lines, you seem to jolt the reader back to reality (e.g. the repeated "I'm not your stepping stone"). Great work!


    Just a detail: I think in lines 3, 36, and 37, you meant to write "it's" instead of "its".


    Posted By mbironneau | Dec 8, 2006
    #6
  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Erik, This was very exquisite. You went down to the abyss of your muse, and surfaced to paint utter magic. Yes, the second stanza stands out for me as well. However, overall this was very well executed, and the message was clear, and visuals were on point. Thank you for sharing such an intense piece with us!!! Great Erik!!


    P.S. I'm painted, and I paint to! LOL

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    thanks mbrinonaeu, I corrected the it's,

    yeah I guess this piece is a rebeliion of sorts,
    your right in its not my usual work it seems to add more
    views of mine in there which I like,

    Painted yes but do you realize i've neevr seen any of your paintings as you've never seen any of my sculptures oh yeah and i've never seen any of your sculpture I still remember that one convo,

    but glad you liked it and it justs proves that i keep adfvancing in writing i hope

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