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    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


    GreaterValues New Member

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    Sticks and Stones
    Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me
    My spirit refuses to be rattled, not by pain, suffering, nor battle
    Because the mustang of independence is ridden without a saddle
    Genuine, bareback freedom, my steed and I trot
    Having won insurmountable wars that needed not be fought
    But I claimed insanity after being left alone with my thoughts
    When my mind was as straight as a circle and my stomach was in knots
    But one faithful day that I was brought into the light
    I no longer had the ambition to hurt others or to fight
    But I still had this deep, dark, empty space in me
    Letting others fill that space with their over-the-top complacency
    This brought to me a revelation of who I once was
    And who I once was has decided he's no fun
    And now who is here to tell it how it is?
    The new man with a soul who is but only fit
    And that's it.

    Again, only the most brutally honest feedback

    jakeminick McGonagall's Ghost

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    not bad. some good stuff in here. predictable beginning as i imagine you know. that with the title kind of kills it before it starts for me. good expression through the middle, just could use some work with syllable placement. "who i once was has decide he's no fun" is a little confusing in tense...maybe what your presence has decided about who you once were or, something that brings some unity in tense. "tell it how it is" could probably be expressed in a better way. Overall, i think the write shows good expression. it shows change; evolving; mutating, which your writing will do if you keep pounding it out. so that's a brutal analysis, which is one perspective among the infinite. i was tryin to offer some feedback without putting words in your mouth. i'm not too experienced at "judging" someone's art to them so, just shrug it off if you're offended. peace.

    ---------- Post added at 10:08 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:05 PM ----------

    oh, and i would've told you if it really sucked, being that you asked for brutal. peace.


    Posted By jakeminick | Feb 18, 2011
    #2

    GreaterValues New Member

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    Yeah, alright man! This was my very first piece of expressive writing, but hey, thanks for the legitimate input.
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    I loved those 2 lines! Enpowerment for sure - bareback freedom - my steed and I - yeah - I like that.

    Overall though - I felt the rhyme was a bit forced and unnatural and the rhythm was off a bit, some lines much longer than others syllabically.

    I enjoyed the read though - there's some novel concepts and it's a feel-good, self empowerment testimony. Thanks for the share ;)

    Jacquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Mar 13, 2011
    #4

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