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    Terence Member

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    All I wanted was your love. Deep inside
    of me I was too young to really know
    my heart wouldn’t see the tears that I cried.

    Since that first time we kissed by the hearthside,
    and my body felt such a warming glow,
    all I wanted was your love, deep inside

    my heart. But instead you cheated and lied
    about that boyfriend you once “used” to know.
    Didn’t your heart see the tears I cried?

    I threw you out then took you back. I tried
    to forget your lies yet through all my sorrow
    all I wanted was your love. Deep inside.

    Then one day I woke up and I realized
    how you had used me, and blinded me so
    my heart wouldn't see the tears that I cried.

    I’d always thought that one day we’d be bride
    and groom. Now I just need for you to go.
    All I wanted was your love. Deep inside,
    my heart has felt every tear that I’ve cried.


    Posted By Terence | Nov 17, 2007
    #1

    mangodroplet Blue Mango Puppy :]

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    This poem makes me really sad :(
    *cries*
    very nice wordbuilding...
    I'm just wondering why you did this :
    all I wanted was your love, deep inside

    my heart.
    But instead you cheated and lied

    I know you want to keep rhyme...but you don't need heart :]
    But I loved the poem nonetheless!
    I hope you don't get sad that I pointed it out, but that made the poem a little less smooth....

    *huggles*
    I liked it anyway :]

    Terence Member

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    Hi md, thanks for your reply, and question. One of the accepted ways of varying the repeated lines in a villanelle is to give them different emphasis. Enjambment also helps with that variance.

    Far from sad, I appreciate you pointing out that the interuption in thought also interupted the flow for you.

    Terence


    Posted By Terence | Nov 21, 2007
    #3

    mangodroplet Blue Mango Puppy :]

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    AHH! No!
    I didn't mean that the interruption made me sad-no, it was just how your poem moved me....
    i loved in :]
    Great job!
    Ahhhh-so it was a villanelle.... :]

    Bear JPiC Contributor

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    Heartfelt sad penning Terrence something I have gone through also it is magnificent write
    handshakes
    bear


    Posted By Bear | Nov 30, 2007
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    BekiLynn New Member

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    this is a decent villanelle -- your two repeating lines work well. I just think some of the line breaks are a little too choppy and interrupt the flow of the poem for me....the hardest thing about writing a villanelle is finding two lines that stand up well to the repetition and you have accomplished that!


    Posted By BekiLynn | Dec 1, 2007
    #6

    Terence Member

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    Thank you bear. I'm sorry that you have had to go through such disappointments.


    I really appreciate your feedback, Beki. I actually thought the enjambment helped smooth out the prosy flow of thought but now realise my 'experiment' hasn't worked out and that perhaps I should stay within more conventional bounds for this type of poem.

    Terence


    Posted By Terence | Dec 2, 2007
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    Benny New Member

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    Great poem!!!! Love sure ain't easy to have reciprocated...not at all.


    Posted By Benny | Dec 22, 2007
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    Terence Member

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    Thanks, Benny. True, love isn't always easy. But when it's strong ... wow.


    Posted By Terence | Dec 22, 2007
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    solo New Member

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    lovely effort terence...tho a sad poem:)


    Posted By solo | Feb 11, 2008
    #10
  1. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Terence, this is very sad...and I hope you are in a lighter mood...I noticed this was posted right before Christmas so I hope it wasn't a sad one for you. Very nicely done!

    Nomad

    inspir888 Cindy

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    Very touching and very sad, yet real... This one will touch many lives, I'm sure.

    Cindy


    Posted By inspir888 | Feb 11, 2008
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    Terence Member

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    Thank you very much, Solo, Therese and Cindy,

    I appreciate your concern about my demeanour but I was not in a bad place when I wrote this. I did feel the emotion as I was writing the words though. Many people do find themselves in this position but, for my part, I'm pleased the sentiments reached your hearts.

    Thanks, Terence


    Posted By Terence | Feb 11, 2008
    #13

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