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    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


    ~Serenity~ ~Pixie Princess~

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    Technicolour Dreams

    Technicolour dreams -
    Escape from the screams,
    The glaring neon lights
    Lighting the city frights.
    Here comes the black and white
    So act like all's alright
    Summon up a vodka smile
    Just until you taste that bile.
    And though demons rule the day
    At night everything's okay
    As you sink into prozac sleep
    Colourful dreams will slowly creep
    To the mind, it's such a shock -
    Colours that the real world mocks.
    Drift along, forget what's real,
    Take this dream, a chance to feel.
    Know you are safe, rest easy,
    Then the alarm blares, BEEP BEEP!
    Take your paints and draw yourself a smile
    In hope the colours will last a while.
    But they never do, as you well know,
    It's all just a cocaine induced show.
    Step into the grayish light,
    Try to fight a losing fight
    To bring the colours back to life
    But you can't paint using your knife
    It's already covered in innocent blood
    From the hope that you killed and left in the mud.

    ~Serenity~


    Posted By ~Serenity~ | Sep 3, 2006
    #1

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    your wowing me now, every verse here was awesome

    Amzy A friend, Well met.

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    Just...incredible.


    Posted By Amzy | Sep 3, 2006
    #3
  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Serenity,
    This was simply fabulous you know. So experienced and I felt I was in the poem! You have captured my interest with the title alone...then your talent knocked me off my volcano!!!!!!! Loved it. Please continue to spread your lyrical wings sister!! Take Care!

    Painted

    ~Serenity~ ~Pixie Princess~

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    Hehe, thanks guys! This is my favourite poem (of mine) by far, so it's great that it was recieved so wonderfully!


    Posted By ~Serenity~ | Sep 4, 2006
    #5

    Amzy A friend, Well met.

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    I can't believe I'm being chastised for not being critical...so by request, let the nit-picking begin. But I still love the poem.

    Slow the pace a little, you have some different ideas, so maybe put a space after each main point. Every four lines or such.

    Lose the commas, they are interrupting your smooth flow.

    Why did you abandon rhyme for the couplet:

    "Know you are safe, rest easy,
    Then the alarm blares, BEEP BEEP!"?

    I wouldn't change it, interrupt the sleep with an interruption of rhyme, it works, I'm just wondering.

    And maybe that rest would be better served with "'Til" instead of "Then".

    Your syllable counts are off with these two couplets:

    Take your paints and draw a smile, (7)
    In hope the colours will last a while. (9)

    But they never do, as you well know, (9)
    It's just a cocaine induced show. (8)

    Your choice of words are great, you've created some excellent phrases.


    Posted By Amzy | Sep 4, 2006
    #6

    Altree94 VIP Member

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    This was great, Sweetie! Hope you don't mind a couple of suggestions though. To get that S off of mocks try "colours reality would mock" and your rhyme is off with "easy" and "beep" - try "know you are safe, in your sleep". Overall, I gotta agree with Amz!


    Posted By Altree94 | Sep 4, 2006
    #7

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