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Discussion in 'Creative Traditional' started by Ali, Jun 11, 2007.



    Ali New Member

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    The Final Cry


    Broken heart bleeds inside her breast
    Fingers clench bruising woman skin
    Tears on the headstone where he rests

    His last note crushed against her chest
    Sanity held by silk thread thin
    Broken heart bleeds inside her breast

    She curses God for His cruel test
    Arms long to hold her love again
    Tears on the headstone where he rests

    Why does death rip away the best
    Why not select the ones who sin
    Broken heart bleeds inside her breast

    Fingers stroke where he last caressed
    She longs to brush a kiss on him
    Tears on the headstone where he rests

    She cries for all the life he missed
    Shards of her screams carried in the wind
    Broken heart bleeds inside her breast
    Tears on the headstone where he rests

    ---

    Ali


    Posted By Ali | Jun 11, 2007
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    Terence Member

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    Hi Ali,

    A good attempt at a difficult form, the villanelle. In future you may want to have more association between the last line of a stanza and the rest of the stanza, but you have everything else down well.

    Welcome to JPIC, I look forward to more of your poetry.

    Terence


    Posted By Terence | Jun 11, 2007
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    Ali New Member

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    Thank you, Terence, for taking time to comment and suggest. Yes, villanelles are difficult to write, but I keep trying. One day, I'll be happy with the attempt too (grins). Thank you for the suggestion and I'll work on making a stronger connection.

    It's nice to meet you here and I look forward to reading your poetry.

    Ali


    Posted By Ali | Jun 11, 2007
    #3

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